A tougher time than I thought

Hi Paula

What you describe sounds very normal to me.  I was diagnosed with BC in mid Sept 2015, didn't get surgery until early Dec - the waiting was horrible!  Again, waiting for the results from surgery was hard - finally arrive Xmas eve (clear margins and clear lymph nodes phew).  Then it was more waiting until mid Jan for an oncologist appointment - and chemo started 3 days later.  I have existing depression so I knew it was going to be hard, but didn't realise how hard.  I have spent some moments sitting in the garden staring into space... watching the cat and dog, or wandering the house pointlessly from room to room.  I have found going out for a short walk helped me greatly - even though I really didn't want to leave the house at all.  Some days I started by checking the mail box/touring the garden. I  am lucky in that I have a positive partner who comes for walks for me - and just having him with me really helped.  I can now go for walks on my own, or I take the dog (she's really helpful as well).  The hubby and I started going out for tea together, and after a few times I could do on my own (even though some days I don't feel like going out so I don't).  Then just when I think /feel like I'm doing OK, things come crashing down again; I take some time and make myself remember that this will pass.  Sometimes in a couple of hours, sometimes longer.  Eating small meals/'healthyish...' snacks every couple of hours seems to help (blood sugar maybe?).  I know getting outside certainly helps me twerk out of a funk a bit.  I also made myself txt a few friends (even when I didn't know what to say apart from 'how's things your end?') and it's been a good way to keep in contact with others when I don't want to /can't get out. I know I am not through this yet but hearing and talking to others online has helped me so far.  It's hard to realise that others, no matter how caring, don't really understand what dealing with BC feels like unless they have been through it themselves.  Even health professionals can be a bit blaise at times.

Thinking of you, hugs and take care of yourself

Leanne xox

Hi Paula,

I'm Jen, 43 now but was 41 when diagnosed. You are in limbo, that waiting between the lumpectomy and the next step is huge. You get your initial BC diagnosis and bang they are onto it with scans and lumpectomies and sometimes even chemo. Then there is that pause before the next step and by that time you've had a chance to stop and breathe and the BC reality check hits you in the face with force. It really is like a roller coaster with the dips and turns.

Fact is you have to give yourself time to process, you have to learn how to live with the shadow of cancer in your life, some people do this faster and easier than others. I took the attitude that I could curl up in the corner and cry or I could put on my big girl panties and plow through, either way I still had to travel the same path. Even with that attitude I lost it a couple of times along the way. My undoing was the genetic testing results, took that way harder than the BC, couldn't look at my daughters without crying for a couple of days, and my husband likes to remind me that even at my worst I said to him "I'll be fine, I just haven't quite finished feeling sorry for myself". You are allowed and entitled to adjust, just don't let yourself drown in it. Good luck with the Oncologist. Jen x

Hi Paula.  I was diagnosed at the beginning of Feb and am having chemo first for 5 months then surgery.  I am finding the anxiety the worst part.  I was in a very bad way right at the start - thinking my life was over (I already had anxiety and undiagnosed depression).  I saw my GP and then a psychologist the next day and it helped a lot.  I have seen the psychologist weekly and also have a fantastic McGrath nurse.  GP also wanted to prescribe meds but I think I am already taking on board too many drugs.  As so many people here have said one day at a time - maybe easier said than done.  All the best,  Helen.