4th chemo today & struggling

Oh you poor dear girl!!!

I too, have an Autoimmune disease called 'Polymyalgia Rheumatica!' Had it since my early 40's, so about 9 years now+ played absolute havoc with my treatment too!!! I will have this condition for ever I think. Coming to terms with adversity & pain have made living with it much easier. My rheumatologist monitors me about every 3-4 months, including blood test and follow up visit a week later. It really annoys me but I am alive which is all that matters I guess? Lol!!! Acceptance with anything like illness or suffering helped me so much. I seriously considered offing myself on occassion with the PMR. So I decided to get off my butt & get a job. I worked at K Mart for 4 years & no one even knew I was ill. I just kept it to myself. I loved the work but when I got the cancer it got a bit too much for me. They were great giving me the odd 4 hour shift, but ultimately I just rested.

You sound so much like how my treatment went hun. I had dramas with my white cells & had to have a jab in the butt with every treatment. I was too chicken & got my GP to do it. Lol!!! I had a PICC line but it caused dramas within itself. Blah! Blood Clots & other tantrums.

My famliy were all trying to help me & sometimes I accepted it, but sometimes I just wanted to be left alone. Up & down on that emotional roller coaster you talk about? When I first started to lose my hair I felt lost, alone & totally ugly & pathetic!!! I just had to stop myself from being an emotional wreck. By reading anything I could find & doing puzzles. Visiting friends & family when I felt ok helped me too!!! Light, gentle exercise in the fresh air was good too!

The doc requested 'Genetic Testing' which gave me some peace of mind where my children were concerned. I don't have mutant genes apparently? But of course there are only some of the BRACCA genes they can test.

Ask your doctors everything & anything you need to know about your treatment. I always took hubby with me with the chemo except the last one my youngest went with me. It sure gave her a greater appreciation of my pain & sickness!!!

 Just keep crossing off those days on the calendar huny. Small goal maybe but the most important one you can do at this time!

And REST as much as you can.

Take care always & good luck. OXOXMiaOXOX

Hi Mia 1965. My first treatment was horrendous. I could not keep anything in my system for 9 days and ended up in hospital for 5 days. Next treatment was better as they gave me the dissolvable anti nauseas but I was still nauseous for 12 days, vomiting for 6. I also started giving myself the neulastin injection as my white cell count dropped to zero. So then they decided to change the carboplatin for cytosomethingorother. So much better but I ended up with shingles. I had a portacath installed on Thursday and chemo straight after. I have been a bit more nauseous this time round but a fair bit of pain with the port. It just seems to be like the magic pudding. I ended up at the hospital on Tuesday as I had a bleed. My platelets have dropped but not enough for a transfusion unless I have another bleed. Every treatment has been so different. I ended up with a cold and conjunctivitis this time too. I am going to ask for some counselling at my next treatment. Just knowing that others feel this way has made me feel better. My anxiety about my treatments has increased as I just don't know what to expect. I have really struggled with the exhaustion this treatment. I have been a good girl and taken all of the meds when I'm supposed to. Years of experience. I have had autoimmune pancreatitis for the last 7 years and I have to be very strict to manage that. And of course that complicated my treatment now. I'm on TCH for the cancer. I just couldn't believe that I went from upbeat, still managing to work part time, still doing a fair bit of what I usually do to a sobbing, can't do anything because of exhaustion, feeling completely useless, lonely, frustrated, scared all in the space of a week. I have certainly freaked my family out this week and I think they are wondering what the hell is going on too! I have told them that I need more support and need to be able to rest more. Boy they really do mean it when they say this a roller coaster! I have been writing down things for the doctors so they know exactly where I'm at. I find it quite cathartic. It's just so hard when you are a complete control freak to be so out of control! I think the rest is a huge thing I need to get my head around as well as asking for help. Oh it's all learning curves. Funny you should say that you weren't going back after the first treatment. The onc said to me that at least I came back and I couldn't believe it when she said lots of people don't. Up until this week I have been telling myself that it is only 6 months out of my life and if I have to be as crook as a dog then so be it. It's short term pain for long term gain. Just giving myself permission to feel this way has uplifted my mood and I don't feel quite so pathetic. Thanks again for the wise words and support. It really has helped. I hope your friend Anna comes through it all ok. Xoxox