4th chemo today & struggling

Hi Mia 1965. My first treatment was horrendous. I could not keep anything in my system for 9 days and ended up in hospital for 5 days. Next treatment was better as they gave me the dissolvable anti nauseas but I was still nauseous for 12 days, vomiting for 6. I also started giving myself the neulastin injection as my white cell count dropped to zero. So then they decided to change the carboplatin for cytosomethingorother. So much better but I ended up with shingles. I had a portacath installed on Thursday and chemo straight after. I have been a bit more nauseous this time round but a fair bit of pain with the port. It just seems to be like the magic pudding. I ended up at the hospital on Tuesday as I had a bleed. My platelets have dropped but not enough for a transfusion unless I have another bleed. Every treatment has been so different. I ended up with a cold and conjunctivitis this time too. I am going to ask for some counselling at my next treatment. Just knowing that others feel this way has made me feel better. My anxiety about my treatments has increased as I just don't know what to expect. I have really struggled with the exhaustion this treatment. I have been a good girl and taken all of the meds when I'm supposed to. Years of experience. I have had autoimmune pancreatitis for the last 7 years and I have to be very strict to manage that. And of course that complicated my treatment now. I'm on TCH for the cancer. I just couldn't believe that I went from upbeat, still managing to work part time, still doing a fair bit of what I usually do to a sobbing, can't do anything because of exhaustion, feeling completely useless, lonely, frustrated, scared all in the space of a week. I have certainly freaked my family out this week and I think they are wondering what the hell is going on too! I have told them that I need more support and need to be able to rest more. Boy they really do mean it when they say this a roller coaster! I have been writing down things for the doctors so they know exactly where I'm at. I find it quite cathartic. It's just so hard when you are a complete control freak to be so out of control! I think the rest is a huge thing I need to get my head around as well as asking for help. Oh it's all learning curves. Funny you should say that you weren't going back after the first treatment. The onc said to me that at least I came back and I couldn't believe it when she said lots of people don't. Up until this week I have been telling myself that it is only 6 months out of my life and if I have to be as crook as a dog then so be it. It's short term pain for long term gain. Just giving myself permission to feel this way has uplifted my mood and I don't feel quite so pathetic. Thanks again for the wise words and support. It really has helped. I hope your friend Anna comes through it all ok. Xoxox