Forum Discussion

NaturalBel's avatar
NaturalBel
Member
10 years ago

3 YEARS LATER AND HOW I HAVE CHANGED

Having just had October return and gone through my 3rd year since I had Cancer removed and treated, I felt compelled to go on-line again.  To touch on a subject of how having had this and survived has changed me.  Before I had had Cancer I would have thought myself outgoing, confident and ready to take on the next challenge.  I believed that life would eventually get a bit easier, there would be plenty of opportunities and I still needed to aim high in my Career.  I saw myself as a social butterfly who could talk to any-one and  loved a party with plenty of alcohol on the odd occasion.

How I have changed.

 I have felt like I am lost and finding out who I am all over again, at times.  Quieter and not as fun or happy-go-lucky.  I constantly have to pull myself up from being negative and stop myself thinking about what I lost or how horrible that year was.  To me, I felt like the magic was taken away, that feeling that "I will be fine" each time I had a check up at the doctor.  My subconscious hoping like hell it will only ever be the once.

I am less materialistic now and not as focused on fashion or how I look, just happy to look the best I can look but certainly vanity has gone.  But as I got all of the news that I am still ok, I cautiously pull out a revised attitude of "Stop complaining!", "Plan your next Career option" and ask myself what I want to do, who I want to be, and what the hell would I like out of life again.  Now I am settled in a job that helps pay the bills each week I ask "I survived Cancer, just to go back to the same routine I had before.  How can that be right?".  I no longer want to focus on that  - I want to have my positive attitude back, I want to laugh more often and have my hopes and dreams back.  I want to feel like life is worth something, and that there is still something for some one approaching 50.

So now in the last month I have returned to walking 5 days a week, started singing around the house and returned to painting.  As Christmas approaches and I push to the back of my mind that 3 years ago I had Cancer and hope like hell it never returns, I send a prayer up and say "Please grant me the patience to accept life each day as it comes." Accept that after all that has happened a piece of my old self has gone, and hope like hell I can appreciate surviving more than I have.  Relieved I had the all clear, and now rebuilding who I once was.

emotions
exercise

14 Replies

Sort By
Show More
  • rowdy's avatar
    rowdy
    Member
    10 years ago

    Hi yes our lives are very different, I used to love work and now struggle each day. I have just got back from a holiday and feel good. Before my holiday I had a couple of meltdowns at work so made the decision that I need to work less so I have lots of leave booked so I will only be working a couple of months and then having a break. Every day I tell myself to be positive and it can be hard. Hang in there I'm sure it will get better. 

    Make sure you celebrate turning 50 it is a milestone, I'm closer to 54 but celebrate every birthday.

  • Deanne's avatar
    Deanne
    Member
    10 years ago

    Hi Bel

    Must be something about this time of the year and anniversaries of diagnosis/treatment etc that have a few of us oldies (as in opposite of newbies rather than old in age lol) checking in. Congratulations on 3 years clear!

    I too am approaching 50 and yes, having had Cancer does change us just like any major life event I guess. I know I have trouble planning too far ahead. Maybe it is that we have learnt that sometimes your life changes in the blink of an eye. But I like to think that maybe the good side of this is that I have learnt to be more spontaneous. I used to have everything planned out, now I just go with what seems like the best option at the time. Sometimes this works out better!!

    I don't have the same level of energy that I once had  but that means I choose to do less of the things that take that energy and more of the things that give me joy. 

    Sometimes I just want to have less because more means more effort (and that just exhausts me). I get happiness from simple things and hope that life slows down so I can have more time to enjoy those simple things. I have become more involved in volunteering and using my skills to help others. I feel my life has more meaning now.

    Hope you have a wonderful Christmas and hope you have lots of good things ahead of you in 2016. It was great to read your post. :) Deanne xxx

     

  • adean's avatar
    adean
    Member
    10 years ago

    Hi bel, no life never is the same I questioned so often why did I return to work I thought it would bring normality and it took me 3 years to realise I had to leave, that was 3 weeks ago, now I will do what I want, finally I've found the peace the only thing that bothers me is you just want to yell at your loved ones and say remember I had ffff breast cancer I will never return to my normal self when they complain. I hope 2016 brings positives and like us all good check ups and test results. I fully understand where your at, big hugs adean. Xxx

  • Michelle_R's avatar
    Michelle_R
    Member
    10 years ago

    Hi Bel,

    Lovely to hear from you!  And congratulations on the 3 year milestone - it's a big one.  Yes - we are changed.  We no longer think we're immortal the way we did before diagnosis, and we are wiser and perhaps a little sadder, as you say.  But we do value life and health more than before, watch our diet and exercise more, cherish our partner and our friends more than ever.  We make the passing time count more and feel thankful for the all clear when we have our checkups.  We all get it.

    I hope you are still enjoying Sydney and have made loads of friends there.  Your job was going well last time you posted.  There are so many newbies on the site now, and it's good that the "oldies" check in from time to time so that they know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    Happy Christmas, Bel, and all good things in 2016.  I don't visit the site as much any more either, and was so glad to see your post when I did.  You are another warrior!  Big hug xx  Michelle