Forum Discussion
3 YEARS LATER AND HOW I HAVE CHANGED
Having just had October return and gone through my 3rd year since I had Cancer removed and treated, I felt compelled to go on-line again. To touch on a subject of how having had this and survived has changed me. Before I had had Cancer I would have thought myself outgoing, confident and ready to take on the next challenge. I believed that life would eventually get a bit easier, there would be plenty of opportunities and I still needed to aim high in my Career. I saw myself as a social butterfly who could talk to any-one and loved a party with plenty of alcohol on the odd occasion.
How I have changed.
I have felt like I am lost and finding out who I am all over again, at times. Quieter and not as fun or happy-go-lucky. I constantly have to pull myself up from being negative and stop myself thinking about what I lost or how horrible that year was. To me, I felt like the magic was taken away, that feeling that "I will be fine" each time I had a check up at the doctor. My subconscious hoping like hell it will only ever be the once.
I am less materialistic now and not as focused on fashion or how I look, just happy to look the best I can look but certainly vanity has gone. But as I got all of the news that I am still ok, I cautiously pull out a revised attitude of "Stop complaining!", "Plan your next Career option" and ask myself what I want to do, who I want to be, and what the hell would I like out of life again. Now I am settled in a job that helps pay the bills each week I ask "I survived Cancer, just to go back to the same routine I had before. How can that be right?". I no longer want to focus on that - I want to have my positive attitude back, I want to laugh more often and have my hopes and dreams back. I want to feel like life is worth something, and that there is still something for some one approaching 50.
So now in the last month I have returned to walking 5 days a week, started singing around the house and returned to painting. As Christmas approaches and I push to the back of my mind that 3 years ago I had Cancer and hope like hell it never returns, I send a prayer up and say "Please grant me the patience to accept life each day as it comes." Accept that after all that has happened a piece of my old self has gone, and hope like hell I can appreciate surviving more than I have. Relieved I had the all clear, and now rebuilding who I once was.
14 Replies
Long time no see hey! Lou I have been so grateful that my Cancer has not returned and quietly have my fingers crossed it remains that way.
I have surprised myself at how I was able to find the perfect job for me once I got to Sydney. I don't have to do any manual labour, I just sell and advise all day. I secretly wish for a new Career next year. I just know that I should be speaking for a living, not selling products any more.
Time will tell.I still have not found my ideal job, there is still time hey!
Happy, healthy Christmas. Lovely to catch up briefly.
xx Bel
Depending on where you work and the people you are working with will give you an idea of how well you will settle back into work. Where I was, I felt a "tolerance for the lady who came back after having had Cancer" and "lets not give her too much to do" I guess it was as hard for them as it was for me. Eventually when my husband told me we were moving to Sydney instead, I found a position in another Pharmacy that was totally different. Fun, friendly and welcomed me with open arms. I didn't tell them for 6 months that I had had Cancer, and when I did they were fine about it. I was dreadful when I first went back after a year off, so I can't be too harsh on my old job staff, it was tricky. For example I was told I was not suited to a particular roll I wanted to work in, and yet here, 11 months later I asked if I would be suitable to be trained in the same role and they said definitely. Perhaps it was because now I am more confident and capable.
No part of this is easy, but it just takes the same guts and determination to go back to work as it does to go through any of the treatment. It is do-able, and I wish you success in that. I started off a couple of days a week and built it up. I only do 4 days a week now, as I stand all day.
Take it one day at a time, it is different for every one. Be kind and honest and it will all work out!
Merry Christmas!
Bel
Nice to see you and thank you for the message too Robyn. We all experience this situation differently. I guess that it teaches us so many things, and that is what life is all about. We are slowly adjusting to Sydney, and I am getting my old Mojo back. I am optimistic and glad we shifted. It reminded me that some times our mindset is wrong, and a change always brings new things to discover about ourselves. I don't know how I feel about that year I had to take off to remove and treat Cancer. A nightmare comes to mind ! (smiling).
Wishing you a wonderful Christmas. Congrats to you too for remaining well. May the year ahead be fabulous for you too!
xxoo Bel
I am continuing to paint and each picture looks better than the last. We moved to Sydney and I am yet to make a "social" friend close by. But have a great team I work with and looking forward to finding some one to go to the movies with soon.
The thing that is crazy, having shifted around so much, for once in my life, Cancer gave me instant friendships. Now back in the real world it is a bit trickier in the big city. Work as per usual is dominant even at only 4 days a week.
Wish you a safe, healthy and happy new year!
Every year is a bonus, as we all know that too well these days. Now if only I could win lotto and actually do all the things we want to do....in the mean time....back to the life I had before. Gotta be grateful though. cheers and Merry Christmas to you too !
I found that having shifted from Launceston to Sydney quite the massive change. Settling into my 4 day a week Pharmacy Assistant job has been challenging. I have had emotional ups and downs, not sure whether it is from instant menopause or my missing any one I know be it family or friends left behind. I have appreciated the fair kick in the pants it has given me, we simply had to get me back at work and the week end work provides a weeks wage, so I don't have to do the 5 days a week. I wasn't sure about my energy level so over the last month I have made myself get up at 6am for a walk before work, no excuses. What a massive difference it has made to my energy. So it has been quite the lesson of learning to manage how much I can do. Getting the all clear lately certainly lifted my spirits, it is hard to remain focused on being positive all the time of course, but I am now more prepared to be more hopeful than I was before. I guess what I learnt is that once I got better I still had to go back to what I had left....until I can work out what I would rather be doing instead (career wise), I shall continue one day at a time!
I wish you luck, health and happiness for 2016 and have a safe and wonderful Christmas. As always, I am thankful for the emotional support BCNA always provides via wonderful women, such as yourself. xx oo Bel
Hey you....nice to hear from you. Getting back on that horse is hard hey, I hear you. I haven't been on mine yet XXX
Hi Bel,
Omg, you've nailed it. 3 years is such a major milestone and an incredible achievement. I feel I'm not my happy positive energetic self. Diagnosed just last April, with all the treatments, I'm due back at work next week and very nervous. I hit 49 next month, and want to start thinking about a new boob recon after my 50th.
Thanks for being an inspiration,
Karen xx
Hi Bel:):):How wonderful to come on here and see your post.It is an interesting piece of writing.You are one year ahead of me,but I know exactly the feelings that you are talking about.I still walk every day,and I really do make a conscious effort to smile and talk to people every day:)I always feel better even if I talk to complete strangers.I have found that just lately I am returning to the person that I was before BC.The only difference for me,is that now I am so much stronger,and I actually know that if anything like it ever happens to me again,I will meet it head on...NO FEAR!!!! I feel very much in control now.I hope that you have a lovely Christmas Bel,and please stay in touch.It was really great to see your name here tonight:) Cheers Robynxox
We have all been there, Bel, and it can be very disheartening..
If it's any help at all, it's taken me about the same time as you to realise that we don't necessarily get our old life back, but we can sure as hell carve out a new one we like!!
I worked full time through surgery, chemo, lymphoedema, heart problems and funny feet, all about proving I could do it. It was good for me too, with all that going on , I needed to feel in control. But after the hair grew back, and my feet improved, and I had got used to the compression garment, and so forth, I began to get - not sad, but also not very content. A good counselor for a few months helped. At 68 (you have a ways to go!), I cut back to a 4 day working week and a new job, with new challenges, revived lunches with friends, reduced my interaction with unhappy staff who wanted me to carry their problems, rediscovered cinema, convinced myself my husband and I could travel overseas again and in short got a new life. It's not vastly different from my old one, but it's calmer, happier, and I have fun. At 70, I intend to work at least for another 3 years all being well, but also have to find more time for my new grandson.
Take heart, and keep doing at least one thing a day that makes you happy. Singing and painting sound like terrific options to me. Then three or four.........cancer is a bugger, so don't keep company with it (mentally) any more than you have to.
Best wishes, happy Christmas.
