2 weeks ago I had breast cancer
2 weeks ago I had breast cancer, and now I don’t. There was absolutely no indication that anything was wrong, just something noticed in routine screening. Thank goodness for the keen eye of the radiologist, and medical testing that allows for early changes to be detected.
2 weeks ago I had breast cancer and now I don’t. Apart from having one less breast and that pain associated with that, I really don’t feel any different. How is one supposed to feel after such a quick romance with an often deadly disease. It seems almost fraudulent to accept such compassion and well wishes as I have been granted, as I really am ok. I feel for those who have a daily struggle with this disease, whose cancer cannot be taken away so easily, and who have to go down the path or chemo and radiotherapy.
2 weeks ago I had breast cancer and now I don’t. I wonder what would have happened if I had not gone for screening. Would my otherwise nicely contained cancer have found its way out into other parts of my body. Would I then, like others, be facing months, years of grueling treatment, where this disease takes the center point of my life, and the light at the end of the tunnel does not shine so bright.
2 weeks ago I had breast cancer and now I don’t. Nothing I did or didn’t do created this. It just is what it is. I don’t believe any amount of ‘clean living’, happy thoughts or meditation can prevent things like this happening to those of us who are susceptible to it. And it can and does happen to ‘me’. And we are all ‘me’. With all our flaws, our loveliness, our spiritual and other beliefs. Life can throw things at us that we are totally not prepared for, and the best we can do is surrender to that particular chapter and hang on for when the road gets bumpy and unpredictable.
2 weeks ago I had breast cancer. And in the 2 weeks between then and now, not having breast cancer, it has not been easy. Recovery is hard, the pain sometimes almost unbearable, and the lack of independence is frustrating to say the least. And hospital, well, its just not home. Seeing to worry on the faces of those who love you and hearing it in their voices in confronting. Confronting because in times like this you realize how very loved you are, and that in itself is not something that we as adults are conscious of everyday. I, at least, was not conscious that so many cared about my well being. It is humbling to realize this.
Today I don’t have breast cancer. For a brief moment in time I did. I have one less breast, now with a tissue expander nestled behind the muscle, which will be regularly expanded, slowly stretching the space to get it ready for reconstruction. A new left breast. This will take a few months, and it will hurt. But thanks to the wonderful surgical care team I had, I know I am in good hands. But I don’t have breast cancer anymore. And I am very grateful for this.
