Out of control and in shock

Good evening wise and wonderful ladies. Im in a pickle again. My story is one of chaos confusion pain and rapid decline. In a nut shell 18mnths ago started the battle of all battles. Hit with all they could give me. Triple neg gal i am. November last year all done. All good. “The success story” of my oncologist i quote. Then march got a stiff shoulder n lymphodema occurred. Within a few weeks mt arm was huge my chest was red and hit and swollen and hard and argony. I had all the appropriate tests. All done in a timely professional manner. All the while i was not in the slightest frame of mind that anything was sinister. At the last i had a petscan. Three days later was told in no uncertain terms. I had masses of tumours all in breast area, where id had my mastectomy. Dozens n dozens wrapped around my nerve endings in front and behind my lungs, lymph nodes effect and some in left breast. This was one week before my 6 mnthly routine check up. I was sll clear at three mnths. I was so well, firing on all cylinders. Happy and content andcpushing on with “the new me”. They meeting with my oncologist told me. Inoperable as wrapped like cobwebs around nerve system, hence the increasing agony. So option was more chemo, more radiation AND maybe, we can get you tonsee xmas. Part of me died there and then. I have a beautiful family, beautiful husband, amazing daughter 29 yrs young and our precious 6 yr old grand daughter. Parents sisters friends the works. As im sure squilions of us do. Ive kept such a positive pro active slant on my situation from word go, determined to get through it. To be arrogant i gues never once thought it was going to kill me. I was already back to ny fundraising and volunteering rolls. Now, now what do i do? Ive got a good team if nurses, palliative and oncology, social worker, mcgrath nurse. All superb. Ive got all the right info on how to properly help all my family cope with my demise as healthily as can. But now, what about me? For the first time in all this hell im terrified. Im so so angry. Yes even ungrateful. Steaming filthy, why me? Not fair kicking n screaming howling!! Ive suffered depression anxiety n panic attacks throughout my life, but never once through this whole ordeal did my demons grab me. But now, raging fever of night panic overwhelms me. I cry n cry, but that only chockes me as my breath is short. Im really loosing my well built well supported foundations. Im furious. Im in antidepressant meds, and heavy painkillers, which all makes me feel ill. Gastric, constipated, nausea, no appetite, just hell has hit with 4 weeks. Whats even more ridiculous ive ranted on here, now realising im probably making some one rlse feel yuk! Which was not my intention. So i suppose i shall continue. Can anyone tell me firstly, does it happen to them, secondly, how the hell do tou walk around of a day with this living hell in your mind 24/7. ? Everyone says im doing well and im “so amazing” honestly? What rot...what choice do we have but yo keep on keeping on. Ive always said there are a lot worse off than me. Ive raised my girl, i dont have little children i have good support, but that doesnt cut it anymore. Im pissed off!!!!! And i hate feeling this way, especially when my days are on a count down, i dont want to waste any more than i have to being sick or unhappy. I want to say in advance how very grateful i am to all you lovely kind ladies who take the time to read my twaddle. It really is somewhere you can vent. It truly is a blessing. Love and light yo you all. ❤️