Forum Discussion
Not the midlife crisis I was planning on...
A few months ago I realised that my 40th birthday was looming and becoming harder to ignore. Mild panic started setting in - what have I done with my life? I'm running out of time to have a second child, I need to find a career I love, I need to bite the bullet and buy the acreage of rolling hills and start the farm I always dream of... and what on EARTH am I going to do to celebrate my 40th in April 2018?
Then, 2 months later while breastfeeding my son I found a lump.
And here I am, wishing I wasn't.
But I am here, I can't change that, and I'm so very, selfishly, grateful that you are all here with me. I've read so many beautiful posts of support and encouragement from so many women going through similar scenarios. It's helped me immeasurably already and I've only just begun this shitty little journey.
I have two medium sized tumours in my right breast. One is grade 3, one is still being tested. I'm triple negative. I'm taking the neoadjuvant chemo path and started last Friday. My treatment plan is weekly paclitaxel with 3 weekly carboplatin for 12 weeks followed by dose dense AC (doxorubicin and cyclophosphamide) for 2 months. I have my fingers tightly crossed that the chemo runs as smoothly as it can. Following chemo it will likely be mastectomy, possibly bilateral. Given the grade and triple negative status as well as my age as a 'young women' for breast cancer, I don't want to risk any chance of second primaries let alone recurrence. Genetic testing is also in the pipeline. It's a long pipeline apparently...
The irony of being a 'young woman' for breast cancer doesn't escape me. Two years, while attending antenatal check-ups I was considered positively geriatric as a first time mother.
I'm becoming used to the hollowness in the pit of my stomach, the heaviness that drags me down when I'm tired and forces me to contemplate the worst. The idea that I'll abandon my son, that he'll have to grow up without his mother. There are hours in every day where this is unbearable, where the idea that I even entertained the thought of a midlife crisis is laughable. Luckily, now that treatment has started and I have something to work towards, it's getting easier to slip into this 'new normal'. Isn't it amazing how strong we are? Our ability to dissolve into a hopeless, helpless puddle of tears for a time, then pick ourselves up and say "right, lets get on with it" (closely followed by another puddle of tears, and repeat).
So that's me - 39, mother of one and now unlikely to be mother of 2 or 3. I'm full of anxiety and doubts and filling up on research I never thought I'd need. I'm not exactly up for this challenge but I don't have a choice so I'm really glad I've found you all to help me through.
Have a beautiful Christmas with your friends and families,
Cheers
Imo
Then, 2 months later while breastfeeding my son I found a lump.
And here I am, wishing I wasn't.
But I am here, I can't change that, and I'm so very, selfishly, grateful that you are all here with me. I've read so many beautiful posts of support and encouragement from so many women going through similar scenarios. It's helped me immeasurably already and I've only just begun this shitty little journey.
I have two medium sized tumours in my right breast. One is grade 3, one is still being tested. I'm triple negative. I'm taking the neoadjuvant chemo path and started last Friday. My treatment plan is weekly paclitaxel with 3 weekly carboplatin for 12 weeks followed by dose dense AC (doxorubicin and cyclophosphamide) for 2 months. I have my fingers tightly crossed that the chemo runs as smoothly as it can. Following chemo it will likely be mastectomy, possibly bilateral. Given the grade and triple negative status as well as my age as a 'young women' for breast cancer, I don't want to risk any chance of second primaries let alone recurrence. Genetic testing is also in the pipeline. It's a long pipeline apparently...
The irony of being a 'young woman' for breast cancer doesn't escape me. Two years, while attending antenatal check-ups I was considered positively geriatric as a first time mother.
I'm becoming used to the hollowness in the pit of my stomach, the heaviness that drags me down when I'm tired and forces me to contemplate the worst. The idea that I'll abandon my son, that he'll have to grow up without his mother. There are hours in every day where this is unbearable, where the idea that I even entertained the thought of a midlife crisis is laughable. Luckily, now that treatment has started and I have something to work towards, it's getting easier to slip into this 'new normal'. Isn't it amazing how strong we are? Our ability to dissolve into a hopeless, helpless puddle of tears for a time, then pick ourselves up and say "right, lets get on with it" (closely followed by another puddle of tears, and repeat).
So that's me - 39, mother of one and now unlikely to be mother of 2 or 3. I'm full of anxiety and doubts and filling up on research I never thought I'd need. I'm not exactly up for this challenge but I don't have a choice so I'm really glad I've found you all to help me through.
Have a beautiful Christmas with your friends and families,
Cheers
Imo
21 Replies
- Hi @Imo, Just sending you a big hug. And do keep making plans for your future and also your families, you're here and there are still so many things to enjoy. Xx Cath
- Oh, that is so right. Fall down, get up... fall down, get up and so on...
- Hi Imo, I can relate so well to everything you're saying (except hankering for the acreage - I'd gladly give that up for town life!). I'm older than you but still have kids doing their growing up and I don't want to leave them early. All I can say is, let the lovely ladies here support you with their experience, let your family and friends support you with their love, and try to take one day at a time even when you feel you can't breathe for the panic. I say that as an old hand of exactly one week since diagnosis! In a minute, I'll probably be in a puddle of emotion. But I've taken on board the advice that women on this site have given me.
- Dear Imo,
Best wishes from a 63 yr old oldie (still feel 43 most days). Yes, this is a wonderful network of special people isn't it. - Only a few hours ago I sat down to say hello, to reach out and thank you in advance for all the support I know is here. But I had no idea how thick and fast that support would come flooding in!
Thank you for the quotes and the poem, especially Sarah Henderson's. That woman was nothing if not tenacity personified.
@primek I understand your fears, certainly the fear that, without the linchpin to family communication (must be a maternal thing?) family closeness might start unravelling. I couldn't wish for a greater best friend for my son than his own father but without me I do worry about my son's emotional growth, no matter how well he will be able to handle power tools by the time he's 5.
Thank you everyone for helping me feel more normal in a situation that feels so far from normal.
- And here's another 5 year survivor! I had my only child at 36, elderly primagravida indeed! But she was 30 by the time I was diagnosed, and yes it makes a big difference. Your child is always your child but she was old enough to fully understand and to talk with. You can only think positive, the other option isn't worth giving house room to, because you have treatment options and time. Your capacity to articulate the issues and analyse how you are thinking will hold you in good stead. I found writing those feelings down useful. You'll have rotten days. And you'll get over them. Attitude may not be everything but it makes this unwelcome journey just a bit easier. We all like to plan but as the old saying goes, life is what happens when you were making other plans. Your life has taken an unwelcome turn, but it will take other turns.
And it's still your life, your story, still to be revealed. My best wishes. - Yes @Joannie inboxed me about it ..... silly typo work phone and busy and typing don't go together....
I AM A SURVIVOR
- @soldiercrab I think you might have meant I AM a survivor of 5 years :D
