Highs and Lows ... WAVES of whacky emotions..

The 'stay positive' line is, without a doubt, the most irritating thing anyone ever says to me. I'm convinced that a positive attitude--or a good performance that mimics one--doesn't help me at all, but it does make the people I deal with feel better. Sometimes I'll play nice, sometimes I wont.

I'm a year on from being told I had a recurrence and have finished active treatment and am now wrestling with the aftermath. Am I unhappy? Nah, not really. I've never been a ray of sunshine but, like most classic clowns, I have a very black sense of humour that helps me cope when I'm pissed off--which is a good deal of the time. Being an Olympic grade old grouch has it's advantages; I don't suffer fools, have no problem calling bullshit when I encounter it and rarely have to repeat myself when I want someone to stop doing something (that can be because they are disappearing into the distance in a cloud of dust, never to be seen again)

You know, I don't think cancer really changes who you are. Once you get through the grief and loss process you will revert to coping with your disease the same way you have always coped with adversity. For some that means transferring responsibility and authority to someone else, others stick their fingers in their ears and chant 'la la la' and others figure out how to adapt themselves to the challenge. Classic personality type stuff.

It doesn't really matter in the end which approach you take, you will figure out a way of 'finding' yourself again. It just takes time.

Seeing a counselor can be really helpful. It may take a couple of tries to find someone who 'gets' you but it is worth the effort. Don't stay with a counselor who doesn't suit you and don't worry about offending them if you aren't comfortable--this is all about you, not them. Being able to unload on someone who is not going to take it personally, or worse still throw it back in your face at a latter date, is invaluable.

Good luck, Lori. This is a good place to vent. As you have seen, it takes all types to make a village and this is a pretty diverse community--you will find many approaches to the trials and tribulations of enduring breast cancer and will come to realize there is not right or wrong way to go about it. You just need to find your way. Marg xxx