A new member and really wishing I wasn't
Received diagnosis on Feb 24th of Ductal Invasive Carcinoma Grade 2 in left breast after Mammogram with Breastscreen. Fortunately Dr de Viana was the one who gave me my results and I later found out ...
Forum Discussion
thank you so much for your posts...... My latest update s it seems to change daily - or hourly sometimes.
I contacted the oncologist regarding payment and pension and to my absolute delight found out they bulk bill all chemo and the actual Doctor sees me after each treatment (included).
With the radiation they have a place in the same building for private patients but also the same company has a facility at the public hospital, however, as he said there is a waiting list. So I intend to approach the company for "private patients" and negotiate a mutually satisfying cost. :).
I contacted the oncologist regarding payment and pension and to my absolute delight found out they bulk bill all chemo and the actual Doctor sees me after each treatment (included).
With the radiation they have a place in the same building for private patients but also the same company has a facility at the public hospital, however, as he said there is a waiting list. So I intend to approach the company for "private patients" and negotiate a mutually satisfying cost. :).
I am finding like most of you suggest feelings and emotions change many many times - I think its part of the grief cycle, where I found out it was cancer but I blocked it as being real as I had stuff to do before I could have it removed etc and managed to keep it at the back of my mind. Then when they found more lumps I was too scared and anxious to cry, kind of like "holding on" with NO IDEA if the results would be good or bad. Then the surgery, and the relief that was over - still no tears. In fact great excitement I felt so good. Knowing I had to go back for results I could NOT feel in my gut if it was good or bad... I just did not know.. Then to find out it was in the lymph node (The only one he could or X-ray people find) or as Dr advised there was lymphatic invasion.... Shock..... Then Dr mentions the only word I did not think I could ever deal with - chemotherapy!!!!! Dr says its good that my cancer was 100% oestrogen receptor positive - Her2 negative so can be treated with medications too. Whatever that means. As we are driving home I cannot help but cry and feel sorry for myself.... Ive had enough illness in my life - I deserve a break....... That day and night I cry on and off and feel devastated and as per my last post, like Im not sure I will or want to fight on..... It feels like the more bad news I get the more that is to come.......
For the first time )possibly ever) I talk to my sons and cry and speak of my fears, without covering up and being the strong Mum who can handle anything. They're both around 40 after all. Time to start being REAL and looking after myself in lieu of protecting everyone else. But that's been habit for over 60 years so gonna be hard to retrain.....
Off to the heart specialist to have a heart echo to see if I can have the chemo next. Results will be faxed to oncologist but I felt the results would be good by the persons VIBE. That's another road crossed so on Monday its off for a CT & Bone scan to see if its spread anywhere else. Then on Wednesday to oncologist to start the treatment plan.
I am back on track today and feeling more positive again (at this moment) but it is such a roller coaster ride and as Im passing each hour, day I hear of so many other people who have had and survived breast cancer. Thats great but doesn't give me 100% confidence I will be okay. People say to me that Im not sick, remember before you knew you had this you were really well......... Yes, I did feel really well, before I found out, but I don't now. I know I am not well now.... I have had cancer growing inside of my body and there may still be some there anywhere stalking my body...... The treatment of chemo, meds and radiation is such an assault on a body I am fearful my body is going to be strong enough to cope... Ive had a lot of illnesses and take a lot of meds... just hope my body can carry on to fight this fight too.
Sitting while the chemo liquid is fed into my body I cannot help but feel Im having the worst sort of poison you can ever have without killing you, and I wonder how I can be "appreciative" or grateful of this fluid? Ill need to turn it around to make it a life saving syrup somehow in my head so my body won't reject it, that's going to be tough. Visualisation, a recording of my voice telling me how good this will be may help.
Has anyone else had these thoughts? If so how did you handle them?
Wow. Its been such a huge "vent" or BLOG again. But other than the question above I think it was more about me downloading the stuff that has happened in the last couple of days that I needed to "deal with"
AGAIN thanks to all of your wonderful people on here supporting us newbies and having patience with what must seem like extreme rambling - maybe some not even lucid........
For the first time )possibly ever) I talk to my sons and cry and speak of my fears, without covering up and being the strong Mum who can handle anything. They're both around 40 after all. Time to start being REAL and looking after myself in lieu of protecting everyone else. But that's been habit for over 60 years so gonna be hard to retrain.....
Off to the heart specialist to have a heart echo to see if I can have the chemo next. Results will be faxed to oncologist but I felt the results would be good by the persons VIBE. That's another road crossed so on Monday its off for a CT & Bone scan to see if its spread anywhere else. Then on Wednesday to oncologist to start the treatment plan.
I am back on track today and feeling more positive again (at this moment) but it is such a roller coaster ride and as Im passing each hour, day I hear of so many other people who have had and survived breast cancer. Thats great but doesn't give me 100% confidence I will be okay. People say to me that Im not sick, remember before you knew you had this you were really well......... Yes, I did feel really well, before I found out, but I don't now. I know I am not well now.... I have had cancer growing inside of my body and there may still be some there anywhere stalking my body...... The treatment of chemo, meds and radiation is such an assault on a body I am fearful my body is going to be strong enough to cope... Ive had a lot of illnesses and take a lot of meds... just hope my body can carry on to fight this fight too.
Sitting while the chemo liquid is fed into my body I cannot help but feel Im having the worst sort of poison you can ever have without killing you, and I wonder how I can be "appreciative" or grateful of this fluid? Ill need to turn it around to make it a life saving syrup somehow in my head so my body won't reject it, that's going to be tough. Visualisation, a recording of my voice telling me how good this will be may help.
Has anyone else had these thoughts? If so how did you handle them?
Wow. Its been such a huge "vent" or BLOG again. But other than the question above I think it was more about me downloading the stuff that has happened in the last couple of days that I needed to "deal with"
AGAIN thanks to all of your wonderful people on here supporting us newbies and having patience with what must seem like extreme rambling - maybe some not even lucid........