Warning... long, self-indulgent, self-pittying post. Please don't read on if your emotional plate is full. Self pitty is completely contra to my normal mantra, but a huge vent is needed. Recently I turned 40. This year I had all my ideas about mortality and life thrown under a bus. Not necessarily a bad thing, as I'm coming to understand the importance of looking after myself instead of taking on the problems of others and muddling through life taking care of everyone else but. I had a tit lopped off (Marg's @Zoffiel descriptive words). I endured 6 rounds of heavy duty chemo, hair loss, weight gain, 30 zaps of rads, tamoxifen, palbociclib.... All the while pushing and struggling to keep a normal pace for my 2 kids (2 & 5) and keep a brave face whilst my narcisistic, drug addicted partner of 20+ years repeatedly left me in the lurch and emotionally, verbally and psychologically abused me. I powered on, as that's what mothers do, with the thought that I can leave when I'm healthy enough and there'd be plenty of legal support for me. Well, turns out because he's not bashing me, and he can plausibly deny abuse as I have no 'evidence' I can't do much to protect myself, or more importantly, my kids if I leave. The system sucks. I'm so angry and disappointed and just sad, which is not like my usually optimistic self. I have plenty of support in the way of a listening ear, psycholigist, family, church, but NO practical help. Anyway, vent done. I will now dust off, pick myself up and figure this out, as I always do. Can't bring me down, baby. Oh, and he completely failed to acknowledge my bday whatsoever. What a winner!

I am not sure things come in threes - more like whole dozens sometimes, but very rarely one by one in a calm and orderly fashion so you can deal with them in the same way. Timing's all off, the law's an ass but I am glad you have some support even if it's sympathy and a shoulder, if not something a bit more practical. I am sure you do not wish to do this, but you may have to push some of those more passive supporters to do more. You will figure out what to do, and it may not be easy but staying in the situation you are n now doesn't sound viable either. We may not be able to do anything practical here, but we can sympathise too, feel for you and wish you all the strength in the world. And you can post what you like to help get things off your chest (no awful breast cancer pun intended!).

Dear Molly001,First, you are amazing. Second, you don't need 'evidence', your words, your story are the evidence. Family violence has a wide legal definition, and includes verbal, psychological, emotional and financial abuse, not just physical. Somewhere in your area will be a community legal service who will be able to link you to what you might need. Your local council will be able to tell you about it. Also, and I don't know if this is useful, but in Victoria there's: http://www.womenslegal.org.au/ If you're not in Vic, there is likely to be something similar in your state. They will do free advice over the phone! With an actual solicitor!All the best to you.

Thank you all so much. I'm overwhelmed with how understanding and caring all the ladies on the network are. @SoldierCrab great idea getting an agency to back me up. I will check out those links. @melclarity I do believe years of anxiety and stress at his hands contributed to my diagnosis and I want to get out so it doesn't come back. My kids need one sane parent alive and well! @LMK74 I despise him. I can't figure out what I ever loved there lol! I'm feeling so much less defeated than this morning. Thank you!

Oh @Molly001. No words but sending love your way. <3 <3 <3

Hi molly big huggs..seem to me that yes it is time ..you do not have to have evidence if partner ship is not safe psychological abuse ..is abuse many decisions to come ..you have come this far you are a very strong person your life revolves around young children your health and security are of the utmost importance to your familyall best B

Woe is me | BCNA Online Network

20 Replies

adean
Member
8 years ago
I know why l love the online network. All these amazing woman xx
primek
Member
8 years ago
Oh yes. And Happy Birthday.
Molly001
Member
8 years ago
Thanks @Brenda5 . I never listed my bday here.
Brenda5
Member
8 years ago
In case we missed it here, HAPPY BIRTHDAY <3
Payne
Member
8 years ago
Oh Molly, as if you don't already have enough to worry about without having to deal with a selfish, abusive partner. I can't add to the advice the ladies have already given you but I wanted to let you know I wish you well and hope the way out of this mess is not far away.
primek
Member
8 years ago
Hi.

I just wanted to include this link.
You do have rights. You just need to speak with tbe right people.

https://www.police.sa.gov.au/your-safety/domestic-violence

Please note the description if donestic violence. An AVO can even be taken out regarding his behaviour and a DOCS notification can be made also. The hassle might be enough for him to go.
But if not...every time he breaches it...ring police. Then there is the evidence.

Women's shelters prioritise women with children.

Take care. Kath x
PatsyN
Member
8 years ago
@Molly001 - my ex was a covert narcissist and quickly moved on as soon as I got cancer. I did a lot of reading about narcissism and one thing was made very clear to me from everyone. ONCE A NARCISSIST ALWAYS A NARCISSIST. There is no cure... make plans for a future without him without delay - your children will be affected otherwise. I would go to a shelter before living with a narcissist ever again.
Molly001
Member
8 years ago
Thank you all so much. I'm overwhelmed with how understanding and caring all the ladies on the network are. @SoldierCrab great idea getting an agency to back me up. I will check out those links. @melclarity I do believe years of anxiety and stress at his hands contributed to my diagnosis and I want to get out so it doesn't come back. My kids need one sane parent alive and well! @LMK74 I despise him. I can't figure out what I ever loved there lol! I'm feeling so much less defeated than this morning. Thank you!
SoldierCrab
Member
8 years ago
http//anglicaresa.com.au/children-families/parenting/family-support/

http//raisingchildren.net.au/articles/sa_services.html/context/1013

http//www.rasa.org.au/services/fdv/support-services-training/

@Molly001 in NSW but it was my family support worker who helped me see that I was living with Domestic Violence. I didn't see it as he wasn't hitting me.
that was back in 1999.

I understand the struggle it is to leave but get an agency involved to support you "as you are going through treatment" and they will pick up on things and that will also be evidence
Hugs and energy to deal with the crap this type of relationship brings with it.

Soldier Crab
Molly001
Member
8 years ago
@SoldierCrab I'm in SA