Forum Discussion

Jeannette's avatar
Jeannette
Member
12 years ago

Waiting...

After being diagnosed in December I have been waiting for my surgery, which is now less than a week away. I was interested to view the video on the BCNA page about other women's experiences and surprised to see how similar - and also different - my own response has been. Yes, guilt is a big factor. I don't know why, but I feel I must have done something to bring this upon myself - and yet in 2013 I took up walking, long walks every day along the beach and around the local streets. Generally I am feeling depressed, nervous, not positive, pretty negative and alone. But I have also found great inspiration in reading the stories of others - people like Geraldine Cox, and another Australian woman who does work with disabled children in China, and the former Queensland Premier, Anna Bligh. To read about other people who have come through cancer and gone on to do wonderful things makes me able to 'hang in there'. Also my dear nephew who is taking leave from his busy job to come and care for me post-surgery. Gives me a little chuckle to imagine me sending this tall, strong, silent type off to the bra shop or somewhere similar on a personal errand. Also some very dear friends who came with me to important doctor visits to help absorb all the information that was swirling around my head. So, I am at once miserable but also very grateful for what I've got - and especially the great doctors, nurses and surgeons working on my case.

10 Replies

  • Janey235's avatar
    Janey235
    Member
    12 years ago

    Always hang onto your hope Jeannette. It's one of the things that can slip from time to time but just jump on here and you'll have plenty of lovely ladies giving you back your hope.

    I'm so sorry that your daughter is such a long way away from you now when you need her. It's hard for someone to understand unless they have experienced it themselves. She is probably a little in denial herself that her mother is going through it. Give her time. It's early days for all of your family. We Pink Sisters are here for you though and anytime you want to talk, jump on and we will be listening.

    I love quotes and this one is pinned to my pin board in my kitchen. I though you might like it.

    "YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE UNTIL BEING STRONG IS THE ONLY CHOICE YOU HAVE" Bob Marley.

    Love and hugs Janey xxx

  • Janey235's avatar
    Janey235
    Member
    12 years ago
    Hi Jeanette, The memory of that call back day at breast screen is burned into my mind. It was in St Vincent's Hospital in Melbourne and there were many women there. We were all given blue robes to wear while we sat waiting. The nurse could see my fear when I arrived and she told me not to worry as "nine times at a ten, there'd be nothing wrong". I'd have another mammogram showing the tests would be clear and I could go home. I didn't have any symptoms before my original mammogram so this eased my mind a little. After the mammogram I waited to be told I could go home, then they gave me a physical examination and again I waited to be told I could go home, then needle biopsies and by that time I knew I was that "ten". It was the most terrifying day of my life. Two days later it was confirmed. But today just over a year later I'm done with waiting and well and truly out of that chair. The year actually had flown by even though it was filled with treatments and surgery. I can't believe that it's done. I'm sure this will happen to your year too Jeanette and before you know it you'll be looking back and everything will be done. Love Janey xxx
  • Jeannette's avatar
    Jeannette
    Member
    12 years ago

    Hi Janey. Your words have perfectly encapsulated my feelings. I remember sitting in the call-back room at Breast Screen with 7-8 other women. I thought it's odds on one of us will 'have it', little did I think that I would be the one. We were such a nice, mixed bunch of women, some with loved ones, some alone. One of the women's daughters kept making us cups of coffee and handing around biscuits. A small thing really but I'll never forget her. When I returned after the biopsies, etc., they'd all gone and I hoped they'd been given the all clear. Thanks for your wonderful words, Janey, Love JJ xx

  • Janey235's avatar
    Janey235
    Member
    12 years ago
    Just read your blog and you sound like all of us when we first started out on this awful ride. December is a hard time of year to be diagnosed. Not that any time is not hard but because of the holiday period and shut downs, it's a slow and frustrating wait. I was diagnosed on the 20th Dec 2012 and the wait for my lumpectomy on the 22 Jan 2013 seemed like an eternity. I'd like to share with you my poem that I wrote during my journey as I thought you might like to read it. The link to the post is http://www.bcna.org.au/user/12607/blog/62506. Just putting my thoughts down helped me so I hope it touches a cord with you and helps you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sending hugs to you and glad you have your wonderful nephew to give you love and support. Love Janey xxx
  • adean's avatar
    adean
    Member
    12 years ago
    If we knew why we wouldn't be here, why me why me what did I do, what could I have done, nothing it's just how it is. We all hope everyday, we all get down.for now concentrate on being well and getting better, you will get there eventually, Iight does come at the end of the tunnel.You just have to allow yourself to go on the ride, be kind and forgiving to yourself. Regards adean
  • Jeannette's avatar
    Jeannette
    Member
    12 years ago

    I was so happy to read all of the positive comments made in response to my post. I have been hesitant about doing this but am now reassured by the very intuitive remarks you have made. Yes, my nephew is very, very special. He is like the family 'guardian' (well very small family, he lost his mother and his father at a young age). As a result of your comments I decided to email our local BC support group and the convenor called me straight away and we had a long chat. She was able to help me out on a couple of questions I had and was generally reassuring. It is very helpful to be able to speak to people who know what this is like, not judging just understanding.

    Best wishes to all of you - on your down days and on your special days. Love, JJ xx

  • Hazel_M's avatar
    Hazel_M
    Member
    12 years ago

    All of the wonderful ladies are right in regards to why? I always expected to be diagnosed sometime in my life, tragic family history. But when it came, i still asked the question. On my down days, I still wonder, what have I done to deserve this? Then I just move forward and think about all the wonderful family and friends I have and the people I have met throughout this process. Your nephew sounds like a treasure, good luck with your surgery, let us know how you go, 

    Hazel xx

  • Mich_x's avatar
    Mich_x
    Member
    12 years ago

    Hey Jeanette

    Welcome to this site huny and so glad you have found us.

    That big question we all want answers to, why?????  No one knows yet.  Just remember if you did something to make this BC diagnosis then so did the thousands of women that get this dreaded disease every year.  There are no answers to that question so no sense beating yourself up over it.

    Deane has put everything beautiful in her post to you.

    How blessed are you to have such a beautiful nephew of all people willing to sacrifice his job.  You must be a very special aunt in his eyes and he must be a beautiful nephew.

    I also enjoyed reading other poeples travels and where it has taken them following their BC diagnosis and I still do 2 years on.  So if you know of any good books I would love to hear about them.

    I hope you have managed to get your My Journey Kit through BCNA to be of a great help for you through your travels.  I find it so helpful and used my diary every day.

    Good luck for next week.  Just remember it is normal for you to have all these emotions going through your head.  It is a very difficult time.  Once you start your treatment you will then just concentrate on being well and getting well.  Read back through any of the previous posts by going to the search button at the top of the page.  Join groups on here that you feel will help you or if there are groups that are in the area you live.  There is the Cancer Council Help line which are fantastic on 131120 should you require someone to talk to or assistance in some way.  They can help financially, legally, emotonally and any other way.

    BCNA is a wonderful organisation which can also assist you with resources which are at the bottom of the page which you can order on line.  The online network is here for you to give you as much emotional support and to answer any questions you have.  We are here for you every step of the way through your travels and beyond.

    Lots of love, Mich xoxoxoxo

  • NaturalBel's avatar
    NaturalBel
    Member
    12 years ago

    I had some one whisper in my ear, who works in an organisation that deals with Cancer, who said "Its random"  so dont blame yourself.  Whats the point of that.  I have asked this question before, and there are some women who get on here who really are very close to being Angels and still have it.  So they give you warnings, and hereditary basis, but no one could tell me why.  There isnt a test for why our immune system lets us down and at what moment.  So because of that, I am just leading a normal life, similar to before, and trying to exercise consistently as recommended, and drinking way less wine, as recommended.  Not having sugar when possible.  Avoiding chemicals in foods, which is impossible, and hoping for the best.  There is no Crystal Ball, so if you ask Why?  or Will it come back?  they wont be able to tell you!  

    Remember, we are here to support you, and its ok to be angry or to cry.

    X Bel

  • Deanne's avatar
    Deanne
    Member
    12 years ago
    We are all a little bit different in how we handle this. I'm glad you have found this network as it is a great way to get support on what can be a scarey and lonely time. How wonderful that your nephew is coming to give you a hand while you recover from surgery! You will find that is one of the positives that can come out of this awful situation. So many people will want to help, from relatives, friends and even people who you meet along the way. I found that it did not help to spend too much time on the why. Even the experts can't answer that one yet. I tried to focus on what was in front of me and what I could do to help myself. I read up on what to expect regarding treatment and prepared for each step as best as I could. It is inspiring to read of other people's experiences and to know that many people go onto lead healthy lives after treatment. Wishing you all the best for your surgery and whatever treatment you may need after that. I hope you feel welcome to use this network for support whenever you need it. Let us know how you go. Deanne xxx