I was so looking forward to a works Christmas Party this weekend to catch up with people I hadn't seen for a quite a while as well as friends who have been there for me since the beginning of this shitty BC journey. I got the old glad rags on ready for a fun night but once having got there I just felt I didn't belong. Like some sort of out of body experience when you are there but not there?? It was lovely to see people but I couldn't muster up one ounce of fun or enjoyment for the evening when everyone else was so obviously enjoying themselves. With the realisation all I wanted to do was go home I left early with plenty of tears driving home thinking what the hell is wrong with me. I know in my heart it will get better, I guess it was just one of those moments when you want your old life back and some sense of normality.

B4 this happened to me i was literally terrified of breast cancer. Flipped straight past any magazine article about it, was sick with fear seeing any pink washing in the media and totally upset by the amount of reminders of cancer around me. I didnt need all these reminders im a total stickler for pap smears and mammograms and was scared witless by the constant bc narrative.My mother died of agressive lung cancer only 6 weeks after diagnosis , her only symptom was she was a little bit tired. Shortly after that a friend was diagnosed with throat cancer. I literally avoided her. I only visited once or twice not because i was mean and didnt care. I didnt feel able to look at her and tell her she was going to b ok after the shock of my mother's sudden death at the age of 68. I felt that i couldnt b a positive presence at that time so i was better off not to b there. I Was terrified at the evidence people my age were also getting this horrible disease. Weak? Maybe. I am universally known as very strong this particular thing i just couldnt cope with. Mayb because i see my strength as so integral to my identity, any reminder of the possibility of being vulnerable terrifies me. Selfish? Probably. Something to work on . Yes!! ( i have since explained and apologised to her. Things probably wont be the same but thats ok thats life) After that, For my own bc experience originally i only talked to one friend because i knew she had also been through bc fairly recently and i wanted to ask her about her experience at the local hospital. We talked a couple of times but she has never mentioned it since, never asked how my surgeries went. Should i be offended?? I prefer to think its her way of putting her own experiences in the past and coping the way she needs to cope. We talk about our shared passion of music and bc is never mentioned. Most people i know still hav no idea of what happened to me ( including my now recovered friend that had the throat cancer) as i hate talking about personal stuff. I just dont get as into the sisterhood vibe as much I would dearly like to. Any way im admitting this hoping to provide a different perspective in understanding someone who might not have given the support that was wanted. And maybe lessen a tiny bit of hurt. I hope every one is feeling 'as good as can be expected' today. X

I too had the friend baling out issue,best friend since primary school,I got cancer December 2016,after telling her heard nothing for 5 weeks,not even a text, then a short text saying hope you well,that’s it. In 2 years since then 2 more texts,I was quite bitter for awhile,then about month ago we meet for lunch, things are different and will never be same between us but the lunch gave me a something like closure and I left it thinking we will happily go our own ways now.like you said there are many other who were there and stepped up,I just move on a invest my time with them.

The disconnect that you feel is something most of us have experienced. Emotional level is totally different to your work colleagues at present - as you get through treatment and settle into the new you perhaps that connection will present again! Please don't feel sad about it, it is what it is and as well meaning as everyone at work maybe they truly are not on your emotional level and hence that appears to be your struggle at present. It will pass and you will settle! In the meantime you have this forum full of all of us who get it!Take care

A woman after my own heart @Elizebeth. Listening to dweezels rabbitting on about which movie star, singer, sports legend etc is humping whom, who has or hasn't had a facelift, or uses botox ...which unemployed Brit (that is member of the Royal Family) is up the duff, somehow gets me hopping mad. That people would spend minutes or hours of their lives enraptured by this drivel astounds me. Different strokes I guess...

@Elizebeth sounds like my staff atm. If they keep it up I’m slapping their heads together. I told my boss last week that I think looking your mortality in the face changes the way you think and you have no time for fools! My staff are being particularly stupid currently which is annoying the crap out of me. If someone came to my office to complain about how someone looks at them I’d have told them to grow up or go back to primary school

The New Me. | Online Network

Sister
Member
7 years ago
It does seem bizarre, doesn't it. I've been fortunate that nearly all of my close friends have been supportive. The only one who hasn't been is part of the group because of history and has issues that we have all recognised for many years - she has to invent melodrama to make herself the centre of attention at all times. She's taken off in a huff from everyone, not just me, and none of us have the energy any more to try to talk her around.
Flaneuse
Member
7 years ago
Thank you, @kmakm and @kitkatb. I'm sure it's been said elsewhere on this forum often that the bc experience really achieves the friend-sifting. For me with that friend, it came earlier and for another reason. But with bc, I'm so grateful for the friends who have clung to me over the past 14 months and propped me up continuously. My best male friend - in fact I describe him now as my best friend - (32 yrs) and his wife have been amazing: meals, lifts, daily phone calls and texts to check on me during chemo, hospital visits, shopping, books, videos, etc. seems to have been particularly solicitous throughout. It occurred to me a few months ago that he might be afraid that I'll die, because another male friend to whom he was very close - they'd collaborated for years on projects - died of pancreatic cancer a few years ago after having all the treatments, and it was devastating for him. It's rather sweet to think that he might fear losing me.
In June this year it will be 30 years since I chose to leave a 24-y/o marriage. After 10 yrs I had a party to celebrate 10 yrs of singledom and thank the friends who'd stood by me during that process of creating a new life for myself; and I hope to muster the energy to do it again to celebrate the 30. :)
Kiwi_Angel
Member
7 years ago
@Elizebeth I have absolutely no tolerance for whinging about inconsequential things anymore. I do work with animals but unfortunately those animals have owners and some of them can be very intense and draining.

I was surprised how people reacted when I got diagnosed. People I thought were good friends didn’t get in touch at all - just “liked” my social media posts and some acquaintances were checking in constantly.
kitkatb
Member
7 years ago
@Flaneuse we so do get it. What a challenging time for you it must have been and how sad. xox
kmakm
Member
7 years ago
That is so sad @Flaneuse. I know in life there's often a season for friendships, but it's sad when ones you think will weather the storms don't. K xox
Flaneuse
Member
7 years ago
Thanks @arpie and @iserbrown.
iserbrown
Member
7 years ago
@Flaneuse
Strength to you!
Our virtual companions on the forum get it! Thank goodness!
arpie
Member
7 years ago
:( @Flaneuse That's a real bummer :( Big hugs from me to you xx
iserbrown
Member
7 years ago
What a so and so! But that's how it unfolded

separate the wheat from the chaff
Flaneuse
Member
7 years ago
Different things sort friends out, don't they? My best female friend for a couple of decades was diagnosed while I was working in Europe and I offered to come home. She refused, but I offered as much emotional support as possible from a distance. She had previously visited me twice in Europe and we'd travelled together quite a bit. She had a lumpectomy and made an energetic, engaged life afterwards. She's never been a person who shows emotion or discusses emotions. If anyone has a problem she wants to provide a solution immediately and tends to be quite bossy. When I finally came home after working in Europe for nearly eight years, we were close; she helped me settle into my new house. Then a huge problem arose for me because my ex-husband was dying and I was under a lot of pressure from his family and a couple of his friends - no need for details; but it was a horrendously stressful time. I was experiencing counter-culture shock anyway, and was suddenly under extraordinary financial and emotional pressure. I fell apart and expressed my distress. She couldn't deal with a "me" who wasn't my usual rational, strong, coping person. She distanced herself gradually. I told her I needed her friendship and she was off-handed. I made a couple more overtures but gave up in the end, very sadly. We've not been in touch for a few years.