I was so looking forward to a works Christmas Party this weekend to catch up with people I hadn't seen for a quite a while as well as friends who have been there for me since the beginning of this shitty BC journey. I got the old glad rags on ready for a fun night but once having got there I just felt I didn't belong. Like some sort of out of body experience when you are there but not there?? It was lovely to see people but I couldn't muster up one ounce of fun or enjoyment for the evening when everyone else was so obviously enjoying themselves. With the realisation all I wanted to do was go home I left early with plenty of tears driving home thinking what the hell is wrong with me. I know in my heart it will get better, I guess it was just one of those moments when you want your old life back and some sense of normality.

B4 this happened to me i was literally terrified of breast cancer. Flipped straight past any magazine article about it, was sick with fear seeing any pink washing in the media and totally upset by the amount of reminders of cancer around me. I didnt need all these reminders im a total stickler for pap smears and mammograms and was scared witless by the constant bc narrative.My mother died of agressive lung cancer only 6 weeks after diagnosis , her only symptom was she was a little bit tired. Shortly after that a friend was diagnosed with throat cancer. I literally avoided her. I only visited once or twice not because i was mean and didnt care. I didnt feel able to look at her and tell her she was going to b ok after the shock of my mother's sudden death at the age of 68. I felt that i couldnt b a positive presence at that time so i was better off not to b there. I Was terrified at the evidence people my age were also getting this horrible disease. Weak? Maybe. I am universally known as very strong this particular thing i just couldnt cope with. Mayb because i see my strength as so integral to my identity, any reminder of the possibility of being vulnerable terrifies me. Selfish? Probably. Something to work on . Yes!! ( i have since explained and apologised to her. Things probably wont be the same but thats ok thats life) After that, For my own bc experience originally i only talked to one friend because i knew she had also been through bc fairly recently and i wanted to ask her about her experience at the local hospital. We talked a couple of times but she has never mentioned it since, never asked how my surgeries went. Should i be offended?? I prefer to think its her way of putting her own experiences in the past and coping the way she needs to cope. We talk about our shared passion of music and bc is never mentioned. Most people i know still hav no idea of what happened to me ( including my now recovered friend that had the throat cancer) as i hate talking about personal stuff. I just dont get as into the sisterhood vibe as much I would dearly like to. Any way im admitting this hoping to provide a different perspective in understanding someone who might not have given the support that was wanted. And maybe lessen a tiny bit of hurt. I hope every one is feeling 'as good as can be expected' today. X

I too had the friend baling out issue,best friend since primary school,I got cancer December 2016,after telling her heard nothing for 5 weeks,not even a text, then a short text saying hope you well,that’s it. In 2 years since then 2 more texts,I was quite bitter for awhile,then about month ago we meet for lunch, things are different and will never be same between us but the lunch gave me a something like closure and I left it thinking we will happily go our own ways now.like you said there are many other who were there and stepped up,I just move on a invest my time with them.

The disconnect that you feel is something most of us have experienced. Emotional level is totally different to your work colleagues at present - as you get through treatment and settle into the new you perhaps that connection will present again! Please don't feel sad about it, it is what it is and as well meaning as everyone at work maybe they truly are not on your emotional level and hence that appears to be your struggle at present. It will pass and you will settle! In the meantime you have this forum full of all of us who get it!Take care

A woman after my own heart @Elizebeth. Listening to dweezels rabbitting on about which movie star, singer, sports legend etc is humping whom, who has or hasn't had a facelift, or uses botox ...which unemployed Brit (that is member of the Royal Family) is up the duff, somehow gets me hopping mad. That people would spend minutes or hours of their lives enraptured by this drivel astounds me. Different strokes I guess...

@Elizebeth sounds like my staff atm. If they keep it up I’m slapping their heads together. I told my boss last week that I think looking your mortality in the face changes the way you think and you have no time for fools! My staff are being particularly stupid currently which is annoying the crap out of me. If someone came to my office to complain about how someone looks at them I’d have told them to grow up or go back to primary school

The New Me. | Online Network

Blossom1961
Member
7 years ago
@kitkatb You will certainly be getting a lot of understanding on this forum. I dont even like to answer my phone unless it is from one of my new BC friends. I even ignore family members except my kids and hubby. I could push myself, but why bother when this is where I am most comfortable at this point of time. The new me will gradually embrace some of the old life but just at the moment I am trying to learn to like the new me. If that makes sense. Sorry if it doesnt. My brain knows what it is trying to say. You will get to where you will be happy again with some of the old things.
Sister
Member
7 years ago
Totally get it - coming up with conversation is just so hard. And who has the energy...
Annie_C
Member
7 years ago
@kitkatb
I too would like my old life back. I know it is not to be, but gee I still hanker for it.

I haven't yet adjusted to the new me. Maybe I never will.

@Blossom1961
Thankyou for normalizing my feelings regarding telephone calls from family members. I am so "over it" with being lectured to by my older sister and brother. Join the club, brother and sister, then you can tell me what to do.

Today I realised what the new me means. Decided that we would go to Broome for a spot of shopping. 440 kms round trip. 2 years ago not a problem. Home now and "stuffed".

How on earth I managed driving to Broome and then flying to Perth for treatment and then back home every couple of weeks has me wondering.

I must have been tougher than I thought or I just worked on autopilot to get through treatment.
primek
Member
7 years ago
I love to socialise again but even 2 years on from chemo and I still find I'm ready to go earlier and just slob in my lounge.

I think initially chit chat small talk is so hard. We've been on an incredible ride and the little things that bother people seem so trivial against it. The art of small talk takes practise too. It's a skill you will quickly re-learn again. Kath x
iserbrown
Member
7 years ago
The disconnect that you feel is something most of us have experienced. Emotional level is totally different to your work colleagues at present - as you get through treatment and settle into the new you perhaps that connection will present again! Please don't feel sad about it, it is what it is and as well meaning as everyone at work maybe they truly are not on your emotional level and hence that appears to be your struggle at present. It will pass and you will settle! In the meantime you have this forum full of all of us who get it!

Take care
arpie
Member
7 years ago
I totally 'get it' @kitkatb - I find socialising quite difficult too. You can only 'fake it til you make it' for 'so long'!

We are going to a dinner on Sat - and I am also not really looking forward to it. Tho i shall get thru it. I've become a real home body!

I am with you, @"Annie C" - where is my 'old self'? I could drive all day too - tho I must admit in recent years to preferring only 4-5hrs a day now, not 8-10 as in the old days! Yep - you were on Auto Pilot - cos it had to be done.

You wouldn't want to be a fly on the wall when those bloody nuisance calls come in ..... I am getting very short & sharp with them these days ....... F Off!

Take care everyone - specially if out driving over this silly season!! xxx
Afraser
Member
7 years ago
For many people, diagnosis and treatment radically changes day to day life. It's not so surprising therefore that there may be a post treatment period of uncomfortable limbo. I didn't go through it myself, so I can't pretend to 'get it', but I can understand how confusing, limiting and difficult it could be. @iserbrown makes a good point that these adjustments can take longer than you might think to work theough. We feel for you, it's a rough path but time may make it smoother and happier. Best wishes.
kmakm
Member
7 years ago
Totally get it @kitkatb. More than once I've had that sort of out of body experience and thought 'what the f**k am I doing here?'
Sister
Member
7 years ago
One of the things I struggle with is the constant "How are you?" I know people are trying to show that they care but honestly, I can't be honest and still be socially acceptable. I'd much rather something like, "Hi! Good to see you!" and then move on to another topic. I've gone through a shit time but I'd rather talk about something else and really, most people wouldn't want to know how I'm actually feeling.
kmakm
Member
7 years ago
Hear hear @Sister. I have fully adopted 'As well as can be expected' which was @primek's suggestion I think. Or @Romla's. Sorry, can't remember... I continue to be a genie's bottle; too often the enquiry is accompanied by the person rubbing my arm...