What is going on with my mood? I feel like a crazy, miserable cow.... Can we blame others for our meltdowns or is it all about our own choice on how we deal with things? So, over the past 6 months......first, cancer diagnosis, 2 days later my beautiful Mum passed away! Had Mums funeral & my mastectomy in the same week. Have just completed chemo & now on Tamoxifen......balancing my grief and and trying to deal with bc has been challenging and I am missing her more now than ever! As well as this I am struggling with my expectations of others. And try as I might I can't seem to shrug off bad manners & disrespect! I accept & appreciate there are some people who find it hard to talk or deal with us who are going through a cancer diagnosis....however, I have been so upset this weekend with a couple of instances where family/friends I have come across but not seen prior to 6 months ago did not acknowledge me or just ask "How are you going?" As well, it seems that once chemo is finished people expect you to be back to the way you were before having to stare mortality in the eye! I guess only those who are part of the club would understand we will all be living a new normal....which means constant worry, loss of femininity, early menopause & heaps more! Thank goodness for this fab website where we can rant, rave & let off steam....and know we are not alone! Hoping my negativity will be replaced with positive thoughts soon.... Note to self: Live in the present....!

You have every right to rant. Losing a parent is really tough, let alone having to deal with a diagnosis at the same time. As for other people, I think it is our society - they don't know what to say so they say nothing without realising how that hurts. Isn't a side effect of tamoxifen mood swings? I've heard of a few people really struggle taking it. But give yourself some credit - you've been through two major life changing events. There will be an end to it and it looks like you've got the support of a beautiful little girl. My girls are 15 and 12 and gosh i hope they don't have to go through it. Be proud of yourself and you rant any time you want *^_^*

You have been through a tough time all round. Finding our new normal is difficult. I'm not through all my treatment yet but my mind sometimes wonders what life will be like after. I'm not sure if it's our choice on how to deal with things, i think it might be a mixture of other people as well. Hope you do get your positive thoughts back, i'm sure you will, take care, Hazel xx

I know exactly what you are talking about.Physically I am feeling pretty great.Yes I have hot flushes,but I was having those before,so they are nothing new for me:( The emotional stuff,I can relate to Jen.When I was diagnosed,we had 2 gorgeous little children living with us.They had been with us for 10 months.Because of my diagnosis,and the uncertainty of what lay ahead,they were transitioned to a new family very quickly.On the day we took them to their new family,(4 days before my mastectomy) I just gave them a brief hug,and walked away.Usually I would be breaking my heart,and I was amazed at my own self control.I realise now though,that it was my body's way of helping me cope at such a stressful time.It is only now(6 months this week) after diagnosis,surgery and chemo,that I am starting to miss them,and I think about them a lot.I get teary when I remember them ,and wish I could have one more little hug.I think I am feeling like this,because now I can finally let go a bit,as I am 'on the mend' so to speak.My husband says I am crankier than before,or quick to get annoyed at things,and I know he is right.Thank goodness he is patient!! Tamoxifen for me ,is fine,but who knows if it contributes to our moods a lot Jen.Do you mind if I suggest,that perhaps now,after treatment is over,you really need to spend proper time,grieving for your Mum.Not easy when you have a family to care for day to day,and as you said,people that assume you are totally back to normal!It will take time Jen,and for you,it will take longer,because you had more than most of us to deal with,at the time of your diagnosis and treatment.Sending you a big smile,and a gentle hug!!:) Robyn xoxo. P.S.Stay on this network Jen,if you have time. I find it very helpful,and it only takes a few minutes out of my day ,to check it,and see if there is some one that maybe I can help,or perhaps get some reassuring information for myself,from people ahead of me in their journey.It is VERY healing to have somewhere that you can offload your feelings ,and know that you won't be judged.Only people that have been through the same thing,can truly understand the complexities of this .xox

I too find that everyone thiks that treatment is over and I am back to normal. I get exhausted, I am back working full time and sometimes just trying to get through each day is a challange but these are things that we keep to ourselves. My step daughter who I had always believed I had a good relationship with stayed away throughout my whole year of surgeries and treatments, I was so hurt, she has not once since asked me how I am. I know some people struggle with illness but thats a copout, she wasn;t even supportive of her father through that time. I agree its just plain rude! Anyway my answer to this is now that they have to live with their actions, I have moved on, I acknowledge them but I no longer put myself out for them either. The drugs do play havoc with our systems, be a little kind to yourself and accept that its going to take sometime. Sending hugs Donna

I think the other ladies have given you excellent advice. Most of us have an emotional time at the end of treatment and losing your Mum at this time in your life must have been so traumatic. We all tend to do just what needs to be done during treatment but when it finishes the emotional part catches up. While you are going through treatment there are the obvious physical differences that lead to people treating you differently (some do this well and others don't). Afterwards people are not so aware of what has happened and you don't get so much of the heart-touching kindness of virtual strangers to make up for the bad or non-reactions of those who we expect more of. It is a time of adjustment after the crisis we have been through. It takes time and sometimes a bit of help to get through it. Don't expect too much of yourself and give yourself time to grieve for your Mum and yourself. Keep in touch. Deanne xxxxoooo

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28 Replies

jenpen
Member
12 years ago
Feeling your hug Jodie!

Thanks....xxx
jenpen
Member
12 years ago
Ha ha....thanks for that!

It did give me a giggle...especially since I wolfed down a packet of twisties just before I read your post!

xxx
Bearteggie
Member
12 years ago
I am so glad to hear that you will be talking to your councellor tomorrow. We all need someone to talk to who will not judge us and not take on our fearful thoughts. It is really like having a best friend to turn to except they are educated and trained to teach and guide us in the right direction for us personally.

Thank you too for yur kind words. I just want to add there is an end to grieving and the pain lessens if we don't deny ourselves early on. It doesn't mean we forget but as you said it puts us in a much more understanding position of other peoples life experiences and allows us to help as opposed to avoiding them.

Big hugs again.

Joy xx
jenpen
Member
12 years ago
So true Deanne

You are one of the ladies on this site who has fabulous advice and I love reading your posts!

I hope all is going great for you....and yes, definitely this is the time for the emotions to catch up!

Never having lost anyone before it is a whole new experience and only now am I coming to terms with Mums loss. It seems weird because throughout my treatment I obviously couldn't chat to her about what was happening or whinge about losing my hair or any other things we talk to our Mums about......but I am missing her now more than ever!

I guess as you say, just have to give it time....and maybe not be so hard on myself!

Take care Deanne....big hug to you - Jenny x
jenpen
Member
12 years ago
Thanks Donna

Yes, we really have to try and not let others affect our recovery.....acknowledge them but put ourselves first!

As Joy said, there are many instances of fabulous people in our lives too and they are the ones who deserve our positive energy! The Angels and true friends/family......

Big hug to you too....Jenny x
jenpen
Member
12 years ago
Thanks Joy,

I hope all is going well with you through the chemo....and beyond!

Like Robyn, you always know the right things to say and your words are always wise and reassuring!

It's interesting that it took the loss of my sisters two babies to realise I would never ignore or disregard someone else's loss, but rather make mention of it. I guess that is why I'm so touchy about others not acknowledging others traumas. I'm sorry for the loss of your baby and realise from what you say that grief is not something that will happen quickly or ever go away.

You are so right also Joy in making sure we appreciate the true friends and angels in our lives who are there for us! It is them we should be using our precious energy on, not wasting it on those who have no or litttle importance in our lives.

I was lucky to have been referred to a counsellor after my breast care nurse found out of my double whammy....up to now I didn't think I really needed any help in that area but when she phones tomorrow I guess she will be a big help in assisting me deal with my thoughts now!

Take care Joy and sending you a big cyber hug....Jenny x
jenpen
Member
12 years ago
Oh Robyn,

If only you realised how reassuring your messages are to me and others I'm sure! You know exactly what to write and your words are like a soft pillow for the heart (and mind!) x

You are so understanding and obviously a beautiful, caring person!!!!!

The way you explained about the way we cope in such a situation is so true. To me it is like being on the train and you just have to get to the destination before you can do anything else! So, now that I've gotten off the train it seems I am thinking more about my Mum, even though I had thought lots about her with the bc, but she is forefront in my thoughts more now! I feel like I am grieving for her but I have never lost anyone close before and there is no rule book on if I am doing it right! (Hope that makes some sense Robyn)......I get teary in certain situation....eg. We were driving down a long country road on Sunday and there was a cat that had been run over. I said to the kids..."That cats in heaven with Oma now"....then mentioned the fact to them that my beautiful cat that had passed away 5 years ago and had been my first baby long before my human babies was probably being looked after by Oma now too! Well....I could hardly see the road for the tears.....! But, it was a beautiful thought!

Oh, those two littlies of yours were so lucky to have had you in their lives Robyn....I'm sure they remember the hundreds of other hugs you had for them!!! xx

Glad all is going well with you Tamoxifen wise....I'm not having any issues atm either...let's hope it stays that way! Will be sure to keep on this site regularly....I did have a bit of a break from it - don't know why, just mood think I guess!!! Take care gorgeous - Jen xxx
jenpen
Member
12 years ago
Thanks Hazel,

I hope you are on track now and not long to go???

When I was told it may occur that after treatment is when the whole situation of the last few months might hit hard, I didn't think that would happen to me.....I've always been a pretty strong person and of the opinion to go with the flow and just get over it....well, I am always learning new things about my body and mind!

Take care and good luck XXX
jenpen
Member
12 years ago
Thanks Dianna

You are right - people just don't know what to say sometimes but hey, what a fabulous lesson to learn from? Friends & family will benefit from us having gone through this as I will definitely not ignore the problems they may suffer in the future!

Yes, my daughter who is 11 has been just gorgeous....but telling her and my son who is 10 was probably one of the hardest things I have ever experienced! They too then also had to deal with me telling them 2 days later that their Oma had passed away....tough situations for young ones to have to deal with!

Take care of yourself and sending you a cyber hug...Jenny x
JodieWall
Member
12 years ago
Just want to give you a hug Jen.xx

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