Radiotherapy and a whinge in general!

Hi Ladies - Well yesterday we travelled and went to the centre for me to have my 'radiotherapy plan' - Silly me, I thought a 'plan' was something you sat down and negotiated - WRONG!  We set off in the car and drove the one and a half hours journey - Oh, did I forget to mention that my mother-in-law had come interstate for a visit and it was deemed that 'we would meet' at the cancer centre - I had this stupid notion we would meet up in a park or something, but no! I got that really, really wrong - I will get back to that later.   We arrived at the cancer place and I got told to take a seat, then a nice chap came out and told me his name and to follow him - oh! and his nice little friend (who I think was in training) any way, they were pleasant fellows and they led me to a room and told me to get changed into a gown - I then went into a room and I had to lay on a bed with my arm above my head....and they proceeded to draw on my boob (that had the mastectomy) with some kind of CRAYON - As usual, because I was nervous, I joked and had them all chuckling (four people in the room at one stage) but hey! you get that.  Then I got to go and chat to a nurse (you know 'emotional stuff'), she was very nice and handed me back to the 'guys' who then led me to an XRay unit.....I had to lay on a table, and there were only three guys this time - One of the lovely (nice looking) gentlemen handed me a sheet so as I could 'kind of cover up my otherwise 'normal' boob' - he said, "We appreciate that you might like to be covered up a bit"  I remarked "Darling, when you walk into a hospital, you leave your dignity at the door" - they thought that this was amusing (that was good - for me) So then they told me what they had to do......the upshot is they have to get everything in alignment for the radiotherapy, cool I thought - so then they proceeded to draw on my 'boob' - (half boob), (call it what you will) - in TEXTA - that was ok; They have to do what they have to do - then they strapped wires around their drawings and proceeded to go ahead with the cat scan.  It wasn't over then I tell you, they had to put INK on me for the tattoo......OK! - Crayon, texta, ink; I went home folks, feeling like I had been in some kind of weird Play School!  I have to give them credit, they were lovely.  I then went into the 'change room' and got changed back into my clothes - Oops! I left my scarf in the XRay room - I turned to one of the attendants and as I looked around (bald head! - hullo!) I saw to my horror, there was my brother-in-law, and my mother-in-law all smiles and ready to greet me! Is it just me? but I wanted to scoot! I felt so........EXPOSED!  I was really cheesed off! But good-ol' Josie walked up and hugged and said hi........bla bla bla.   (I don't know if it wasn't for this 'beanie' on my head, I would be happy if no one knew my condition).....it's so 'personal'.............I had a heart-to-heart chat with hubby tonight, had to tell him, no, don't want mother-in-law here right now, but its school holidays and airfares and trains are all out of kilter (another story) so I have her here for another week - this is really hard for me.  I am not a horrible person, but when I have a conversation with a person - I like to have a point!  This is irrelevant to my mother-in-law!  But I have to be nice, she lives interstate (but boy she sure gets those frequent flyers!) I have had her with us three times in 9 months - folks! I have had easier pregnancies!  But! and I emphasise BUT; I have to be nice - the hard part is I DONT feel very 'nice' at the moment.  There are days I want to be grumpy, and isolate myself - and my husband is accustomed to this, but with other people it isn't so easy.  I am not up to 'entertaining' I am not up to being 'pleasant' and it is a bloody hard ask!............at the moment!  I have to go and stay in another town for four and a half weeks - and the town is FREEZING! it snows there!  I don't want to do it!  BUT I have to 'suck it up' - bugger, bugger, bugger!  I told my husband all these things, and God bless him, he understood - I told him I am so bloody scared, I am coming across 'all brave & doing well' but deep inside I am a trembling jelly!  I tell every one 'baby steps' and I have to 'focus' on this - quite frankly I am depressed - I hate going for blood tests and the only arm they can use is now just about 'shot to pieces' - the oncology nurses said if it gets too bad they can take it from the portacath - well when you have two nurses 'digging' at your arm and finally having to 'bandage' it - I go home and have a cry because it is getting me down - Yes, I admit it, I am depressed! Yes, I have emailed my social worker - yes, I do all the right things - and yes I will keep going - I have another 10 months of Herceptin (intraveinously) and yes, each one has to have a blood test prior - sigh!, whinge, whinge, whinge! This has been going on since November last year, operations, tests, bla bla - and yes it gets you down from time to time - at the moment I am on a 'downer' - please ladies bear with me - I am in total 'sookie lah-lah' mode.  So as I keep going on to every one - 'baby steps' - but maybe I should add, 'sometimes you trip up' - it's to be expected, and tomorrow is another day - big hugs to all x x x Josie