New normal at last!

I got to the end of active treatment (I'm on tamoxifen now) over 8 months ago and have been wondering to what extent I would recover my level of energy. When you think about it my energy had been depleted first by having cancer for some months before diagnosis, then by surgery, chemo and radiation (not to mention tamoxifen and chemo induced early menopause!). I remember asking my surgeon how long it would take to feel like me again. She suggested it would take about 12 months. That was over 2 months ago and I was still a long way from being able to handle anywhere near what I used to! This was a bit depressing. Was this how life was going to be? Was this my new normal? All through my treatment and recovery I have tried to help myself through a healthy lifestyle but it seemed that my body still struggled. New eating habits were going well and I kept exercising every day but I still had trouble staying awake past 8 pm and had days where I had no energy. Was it the tamoxifen, the treatment effects, menopause or was I just getting old? I now think it is really simple. Having cancer and treatment depleted most of my energy. My healthy lifestyle kept me going but when you are running on empty it takes a lot to recharge. The energy I was putting in was being used with not much left over to build up. I think recovery is different for everyone but still comes down to that basic equation of energy in and energy out. How you get your energy can be different for everyone as can how you use it. It is more than just a physical energy, I think there is also a huge emotional component. Having cancer meant that I had to focus on me. There was no energy left over at times to spend on others. This is hard to accept. I was a wife, a mother, a sister, daughter, a friend and more. It took a lot to realise that I was no good to anyone else unless I took care of myself first. For months I had no choice and this I could accept. But it got hard again when treatment ended. I was not letting myself build up energy I was putting myself under pressure to resume being there for everyone. Yes I was looking after myself physically but I was losing energy trying to do too much emotionally. I felt that others expected me to be over everything and get back to 'normal'. Some probably did but I did not have to fall back into the old habits that probably led to me getting cancer in the first place! It was up to ME to find my 'new normal'. A way of living that would keep my energy levels at an acceptable or balanced level. So I stopped trying to resume 'everything'. I worked out what gives me energy (good food, exercise, achieving realistic goals, being around positive people, noticing the amazing simple things in life and nature, having a good laugh, etc) and what drains it (negative people, feeling dissatisfied, anger, frustration, feeling under pressure, etc). As soon as I notice myself feeling worn and a bit frayed I examine what I'm feeling. It is almost always a negative feeling that has drained my energy not actual physical activity. In fact the physical usually GIVES me energy. I now realise that how I think and feel is actually controlled by me not by what is happening or by other people. It is ok to set limits on what I can do for others. Mostly they prefer this because I don't get stressed and resentful and I'm way nicer to be around! Ha ha! If they don't understand then maybe I need to rethink their influence and position in my life. For the last month I have tried to live an energy positive life and surprise, surprise, I can actually stay awake past 8 pm and I'm feeling great. I think I finally realise that it is not selfish to put yourself first. You actually have way more to offer if you are healthy and content. I think I've found my new normal and it's wonderful! So if you are wondering if life will ever be good again after treatment ends, think about what you can do to rebuild your energy and plug up the drainage holes! Give yourself time and permission to set yourself new limits. Your family and friends will understand and love the new you! Take care. Deanne xxx