Hi @Summer Prevails, so glad you are doing better, even though there may still be times it doesn't feel that way. I really relate to your thoughts and feelings. Firstly on anxiety before checkups: once you've been through it once, you know what is possible. Every check becomes an occasion for it to happen again. It is re-traumatising. I know the feeling when the US seems to be taking longer than usual in a particular area or being recalled for another mammogram to get a better picture. Your body and mind starts preparing for 'those words' no matter how hard you try to stay calm and optimistic. That process is traumatic every time, and the emotional distress and exhaustion that occurs trying to manage that process always sets me back. I can hardly function before the check up, and even less so afterwards. People expect you to be pleased and relaxed that you got the all clear, but they don't know what that process cost you and that you've got nothing left after it. I've seen more reference to PTSD AND BC lately and i think it definately warrants study. Do you have someone to go with you, or something to read/do/music while you are there? Whatever helps to keep your mind occupied.
I had depression before I was diagnosed with BC in 2005, but it was well managed and I was a very active, functional participant in life. BC changed that. I see a psychiatrist & psych regularly. I haven't found medication that really assists and despite exercise and trying to stay connected to friends, community I really don't recognise myself anymore and the most basic of daily activities take the most enormous effort. You are right that you have to do it your way sometimes but it's also important to stay connected - when you can. Sometimes it's just too hard. Sounds like you have some activity and rhythm back in your life again even if only 'chemically induced'. Stay with it. :)
I want to say thank you for all your posts here - even the ones you say weren't 'coherent'. I find it hard to talk about having had breast cancer, but even harder to talk about my mental health. This forum allows us to do that. And I have decided to contribute my thoughts today because you have done so. This is always a place to come to when you need to know you aren't alone with your thoughts, feelings and experiences, whether it's just reading the posts of others or posting to seek advice. There is no wrong way to feel.
I wish you well tomorrow - I'll be thinking of you. Please let us know how you go. <3
