Drowning in anxiety and fear

Hi everyone. 

This is is my first blog ever and one that I am both keen to write in the hope of gaining some support and release from the emotional pain but that I am also fearful of writing as it makes my diagnosis real. I was diagnosed yesterday with breast cancer. At this stage they are unsure if it is in my lymph nodes also. I have an appointment with the surgeon to have my 3cm lump removed along with the lymph nodes on my left side. 

after this I know nothing, just that there will be more waiting for results until I find out if this cancer is curable. At least that is how I feel. I have avoided 'googling' anything as every waking second of my days since finding the lump, 7 days now, have been consumed by shaking, crying, disbelief, wanting to crawl into a hole till it's all done or until someone tells me they made a mistake. 

ive had anxiety and depression before but this is inescapable. It cycles around and around but only changes it's intensity never really going away. I can't function. I've tried distracting myself but that I have found is useless. I've tried pouring myself into my 3 and 7 year old boys lives and being present with them. But this only lasts 10 min or so before my fears take over again. My husband is doing his best but I just can't get hopeful. I fear that the surgeon is going to tell me he couldn't get it, that I will have ongoing anxiety just waiting for the next lot of tests to see if it has shrunk or if it is killing me. 

My diagnosis came one year to the day of the death of my close friend from secondary cancer. she stayed cancer free for only 2 years. How am I supposed to be hopeful when even if this goes well I still might get sick again? What if it's already gone too far? These are the thoughts consuming me. 

I have always thought if myself as a strong woman but I cannot find one ounce of strength right now. I need hope, please someone help me find hope, help me get out of this emotional jail I am cowering in the corner of.  

I know there are good news stories. I know success rates are high But I feel like i won't be one of those people. Something in the way each of the doctors and ultrasound scan people have spoken to me. No one has said I caught it early, no one has said I will just need surgery, my gp could only say "we have found it now" when I asked her for some positive feedback. 

How am I supposed to find hope in that?