Forum Discussion
Drowning in anxiety and fear
Hi everyone.
This is is my first blog ever and one that I am both keen to write in the hope of gaining some support and release from the emotional pain but that I am also fearful of writing as it makes my diagnosis real. I was diagnosed yesterday with breast cancer. At this stage they are unsure if it is in my lymph nodes also. I have an appointment with the surgeon to have my 3cm lump removed along with the lymph nodes on my left side.
after this I know nothing, just that there will be more waiting for results until I find out if this cancer is curable. At least that is how I feel. I have avoided 'googling' anything as every waking second of my days since finding the lump, 7 days now, have been consumed by shaking, crying, disbelief, wanting to crawl into a hole till it's all done or until someone tells me they made a mistake.
ive had anxiety and depression before but this is inescapable. It cycles around and around but only changes it's intensity never really going away. I can't function. I've tried distracting myself but that I have found is useless. I've tried pouring myself into my 3 and 7 year old boys lives and being present with them. But this only lasts 10 min or so before my fears take over again. My husband is doing his best but I just can't get hopeful. I fear that the surgeon is going to tell me he couldn't get it, that I will have ongoing anxiety just waiting for the next lot of tests to see if it has shrunk or if it is killing me.
My diagnosis came one year to the day of the death of my close friend from secondary cancer. she stayed cancer free for only 2 years. How am I supposed to be hopeful when even if this goes well I still might get sick again? What if it's already gone too far? These are the thoughts consuming me.
I have always thought if myself as a strong woman but I cannot find one ounce of strength right now. I need hope, please someone help me find hope, help me get out of this emotional jail I am cowering in the corner of.
I know there are good news stories. I know success rates are high But I feel like i won't be one of those people. Something in the way each of the doctors and ultrasound scan people have spoken to me. No one has said I caught it early, no one has said I will just need surgery, my gp could only say "we have found it now" when I asked her for some positive feedback.
How am I supposed to find hope in that?
39 Replies
Hi ann1e,
we shall be in surgery together lol. i met my breast care nurse today and she has ordered me my kit. The more i hear others speak of it the less apprehensive I am feeling about it. The women on here have been such saviours for me. Yes it is scary but this community of support makes it all a bit easier. I'd be happy to keep in touch as we take on our journeys if you would like. Otherwise I wish you and all if us much courage, health and good luck for the next 50 years! Xxoo
Hi Anita, well you are on your way to beating this, scans are all just a routine part of it. They can be scary but it is just your team being thorough, then once they are all over, it rules out any doubt you have playing in your mind, and that's a good thing.. I was never in hospital other than childbirth too, but I was surprised at how easy it all went. I was a 'bit' sore after surgery but nothing major and healed up very quickly. You will be looked after very well and your doctors and nurses are there to help you along your way, all the way! I have done chemo & radiation so feel free to ask for any advice at all. You will come across little hurdles and that's all they are, life will go on and you will get through it. We are here to support you whenever you need us. Remember you can always call. Hugs :-)))))
Thanks Robyn. It is amazing how kind words from those who know can make things that little bit better x
- Hi Anita:) I can feel a TINY bit of 'I can do this' creeping in to your post.And you can and will do it!!I am 59 and when I was told I needed a mastectomy,a year ago now,I was scared absolutely witless! Like you,I had never been in hospital,except to have my 3 children.I truly thought my life was coming to a quick end! Lol.I had a sentinel node biopsy,which is the test you are talking about.Its not at all,painful.I had a mastectomy,and it was surprisingly pain free(as all the ladies on here told me it would be!) and then I had chemo.Again,I was fine,and it was no way as bad as I had feared! When you have your treatment plan,don't be scared.Just come on here,and there will be many ladies that have been through the same stuff,and they will be able to tell,you just how it is.Big hugxxxRobyn
Hi Anita, The kit that the ladies have been referring to is the 'My Journey Kit' - it is a free, comprehensive information resource for women newly diagnosed with breast cancer. It is easy to read and follow and alot of women say it put them at ease knowing they could refer to it when they were ready. You can order it online, or by phoning our offices on 1800 500 258.
Hi Anita
I don't know if this help. One of the things that help me was to write down the questions for the drs. I had questions as I was careful with what I read online. The unknown was what raised my anxiousness. I still write down questions/issues today to discuss with the drs. Once written down I feel I can put it aside. Of course it still play on the mind but I felt I will not forget to raise those issues with the drs and not be thinking about it all the time.
Hi Anita
I don't know if this help. One of the things that help me was to write down the questions for the drs. I had questions as I was careful with what I read online. The unknown was what raised my anxiousness. I still write down questions/issues today to discuss with the drs. Once written down I feel I can put it aside. Of course it still play on the mind but I felt I will not forget to raise those issues with the drs and not be thinking about it all the time.
Everything. It gives information, comfort, stories from other women, practical help on everything from account keeping charts to contact phone numbers. When I woke up early, I used to read it - there are several books - with a cup of tea, and started the day much more calmly. Keep in touch and let us know how you are going. Michelle xx
