Forum Discussion
Drowning in anxiety and fear
Hi everyone.
This is is my first blog ever and one that I am both keen to write in the hope of gaining some support and release from the emotional pain but that I am also fearful of writing as it makes my diagnosis real. I was diagnosed yesterday with breast cancer. At this stage they are unsure if it is in my lymph nodes also. I have an appointment with the surgeon to have my 3cm lump removed along with the lymph nodes on my left side.
after this I know nothing, just that there will be more waiting for results until I find out if this cancer is curable. At least that is how I feel. I have avoided 'googling' anything as every waking second of my days since finding the lump, 7 days now, have been consumed by shaking, crying, disbelief, wanting to crawl into a hole till it's all done or until someone tells me they made a mistake.
ive had anxiety and depression before but this is inescapable. It cycles around and around but only changes it's intensity never really going away. I can't function. I've tried distracting myself but that I have found is useless. I've tried pouring myself into my 3 and 7 year old boys lives and being present with them. But this only lasts 10 min or so before my fears take over again. My husband is doing his best but I just can't get hopeful. I fear that the surgeon is going to tell me he couldn't get it, that I will have ongoing anxiety just waiting for the next lot of tests to see if it has shrunk or if it is killing me.
My diagnosis came one year to the day of the death of my close friend from secondary cancer. she stayed cancer free for only 2 years. How am I supposed to be hopeful when even if this goes well I still might get sick again? What if it's already gone too far? These are the thoughts consuming me.
I have always thought if myself as a strong woman but I cannot find one ounce of strength right now. I need hope, please someone help me find hope, help me get out of this emotional jail I am cowering in the corner of.
I know there are good news stories. I know success rates are high But I feel like i won't be one of those people. Something in the way each of the doctors and ultrasound scan people have spoken to me. No one has said I caught it early, no one has said I will just need surgery, my gp could only say "we have found it now" when I asked her for some positive feedback.
How am I supposed to find hope in that?
39 Replies
So sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I too had a close friend who pass away a year after her diagnosis 3 years ago. That was my first encounter of a person I know (apart from my grandma who also likely had breast cancer but I was too little to understand then). So I can somewhat understand your association with that. But I have since realised that each case is different and outcomes are different.
I too was scared and frighten when I was first diagnosed end of last November. I was incapacitated and could not do anything. Fortunately my husband is there for me, making drs appointments, taking calls, cooking, washing and also ordering the 'my journey kit'. I had to learn to take one day at a time (advice given to me by the ladies here) and not to think too far ahead. Not easy but it did really help me in those days. I did not settle down until my chemo started. I also got some meditation cd from cancer council which helped me a little.
Hope was what I looked for too. I shall always be grateful to my friend from overseas who wrote to me with hopeful stories of people we know.
I find that the drs don't like to say anything (eg early or not) until they get the results from the tests and scans. I don't think they are hiding anything. These are hard weeks but try to take a day at a time and not to think too far ahead.
Do take care and come back here for support.
C xx
Thanks nerinda,
i hope your journey has taken you to a better place emotionally now, anxiety really is debilitating. I will keep you in my thoughts and welcome the offer to contact you when in need of support as I hope you will me. Although I'm not to sure how helpful I can be just yet! Lol
Thanks nerinda,
i hope your journey has taken you to a better place emotionally now, anxiety really is debilitating. I will keep you in my thoughts and welcome the offer to contact you when in need of support as I hope you will me. Although I'm not to sure how helpful I can be just yet! Lol
- Dear Anita, my heart aches for you knowing the pain you are going through. I am a anxiety/ panic disorder sufferer and getting the cancer diagnosis sent me into an absolute world of torment. I lost my stepfather to cancer when I was 15, he was gone in weeks from diagnosis. So to me cancer was a very terrifying thing that meant death. I have learnt through this ordeal that it doesn't mean that at all. I to was to scared to order the "my journey kit" I didn't want to know, I didn't want it to be real. I joined my local support group and they ordered it for me. At the start it was a bit daunting reading it and not much went in as I was in such a fog. I was diagnosed almost a year ago. Which I can't believe as it has gone so quick. My cancer was 5cm and everyone seemed quite concerned. I wasn't really told much but till they do further tests there wasn't really a lot they could say. My GP was not helpful and actually added to my anxiety. I now listen to my surgeon and oncologist as they specialise in this field. I really struggled to be around my children who are 15, 13 and 8 as I would start crying thinking that I could be prematurely taken away from them and the guilt I felt for having to put them through this. I spent a lot of time sleeping and hated to be left alone as my head would go nuts with all the what ifs. Once I saw my surgeon and we started getting a plan for how we were going to attack this, I started to calm. The not doing anything and not knowing what is going on is really tough. As your puzzle starts to be worked out and pieces start getting put in place and you know the plan, you will find a strength from deep within you and you will just do it. You have two beautiful children and you will do what you need to, to the best of your ability to get through this. Don't be to hard on yourself you have just been given a horrible shock. I'm happy to chat whenever. Sending strength and calming thoughts. Nerida.
I am truly overwhelmed by the support I have received from you all today. It takes my breath away that there are people willing to support others in such a selfless way. Thank you all very much. Today has been made a lot easier because if you and I am sure that in the coming days, weeks and months I will reach out again. Monday is my next hurdle, appointment with the surgeon. Fingers crossed.
Anita xo
Thanks so much Robyn, I have done that and sent a message to Anita. xx
If u go to the right hand side of this page and click on your messages,then when your messages come up just click on 'send message',and this way you can send a private message to someone else on the blog.hope this helps
Hi Anita, I'm not sure to be honest, however I think the best thing would be via email. If you give me your email address I will contact you that way and we can go from there. Then just delete the post with your email on it. If you don't feel comfortable with that let me know and we will try to work something out. xxxx
Thank you MsD I would love to be able to contact you. I'm new to this though, how do I go about contacting someone outside if 'blogs'?
- Anita,send off for your kit! It has tips in it on everything,and also explains about the different types of breast cancer.When I was diagnosed I just thought that there was ' breast cancer' and not different types!The kit also explains about the different types,places to go for advice,phone numbers that you may or may not need,and so on.When I got my kit,I could only read it sitting in the sun,and I could never read it at night!!!I understand what you mean about being scared to order it,but don't be.It also has a diary and a journal,and I think that you will find it very helpful.Take carexxxRobyn
