I'm struggling at the moment. Our family were meant to be on the holiday of a lifetime in Europe at the moment celebrating our eldest son's graduation from High School. We were meant to fly out on the 28th November but I was diagnosed with BC on the 8th November. I had surgery on the 6th December single mastectomy. Physically I'm recovering slowly but surely. I ended up with 2 infections on the suture line which are finally starting to heal. We have had a torrid 2 years with our youngest son who has made some poor choices and has struggled with anxiety and depression. He has been seeing counsellors and I had put in place some great mentors and this trip was meant to be a great circuit breaker for him but instead we are stuck here while I'll deal with BC. School holidays have just been a nightmare as all the supports around school have fallen away and he's struggling. This morning I wake up to a message and he's taken off during the night. At least he's checked in to let me know he's safe but I'm very stressed. I don't know where he is. I think he's probably struggling with the BC diagnosis on top of everything else now. He won't talk about his feelings with us and I'm so worried. We are a strong supportive family but he's hanging around with kids who's parents don't seem to have any boundaries for their kids. I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I just wish we were on that holiday instead of being here. Thanks for listening.

I guess just a discussion of a postponed holiday not a never holiday. Are his normal counsellors available? Other than that. ..yes Canteen and headspace are great. I had to take my sons to counselling during my diagnosis (and my husband) keep checking in with him. My son actually talked more through text rather than face to face. He could say what he felt that way.Also ...perhaps a short getaway through the otis foundation might be an option. https://www.otisfoundation.org.au/

@CathyMac I know what you mean about parents who don't set any boundaries... Has your son come home or been in touch again? It's not what you need right now but being a parent tends to be that way. I love mine to bits but if I'd known what it all involved, I'm not sure I'd have done it. As much as it's a distraction from your own problems, it's not a welcome one. Are there other members of the family he can talk to, or rather, can talk to him to let him know how very much he's wanted at this time?

Hi @CathyMac,As if things weren't worriesome enough. Checking in with you is a good thing, means he is still thinking about you and knows you'll be worried. I don't have any words of wisdom unfortunately. We have 5 kids and the eldest gave us a very hard time for a while. He's back on track now but it was hard going. He just about ruined our relationship and our business. It is so very difficult when you just can't get through to them and they hang around toxic influences on top of that. They just don't understand the heartbreak and worry when a parent feels helpless to change the situation for their child. Hopefully he will come home soon once he's had a chance to think and clear his head a bit. Is there any of the school support team you can contact during the holidays in an emergency? I feel for you lovely. xoxox

I am so sorry to hear this. Just getting the diagnosis and being terrified and having surgery and dealing with your own feelings is bad enough, but when it happens at this time of the year and you have had plans for a great family trip which have to be shelved ... there's nothing good in this picture. I am sure you are right, your younger son is frightened of what is happening and desperate to get away from his own feelings which obviously will be powerfully confronting whilever he is at home. But it is good that he has told you that he is all right. He is probably staying with a friend ... whose parents are away? (It is terrible how many parents feel fine about abandoning their teenagers so they can go on holidays). If he makes contact again all you can do is talk to him and tell him how much you love him and how much it would mean to you - you personally, not the whole family but you specifically - if he could come home again and be with you. Probably he feels pushed out and lonely, and that nobody understands or needs him. But there is really not a lot else you can do right now except try your best to destress, and that includes asking others in the family not to stress you over this as well. Sometimes in a situation like this it is good to write a journal expressing your feelings for yourself. Often there is no-one better to talk to. I am sure others will give you support and maybe have some other suggestions. Sending you wishes and hugs. A.

Dont know what to do! | BCNA Online Network

Shellshocked201
Member
7 years ago
Cathymac first if all sending the biggest hugs to you.
Are you able to contact any of his mentors or his counsellors?
Im not sure but there maybe a support group for siblings that have a family member with cancer you maybe able to tap into.

Not sure how old your youngest son is but you maybe able to access Camp quality https://audifoundation.com.au ;
Cancer support for affected offspring Can Teen Australia
https://www.canteen.org.au
Maybe talking to other kids around his age going through the same difficult time may help, knowing that what he is feeling is normal.

Im sure some other lovely ladies will be in touch shortly with their recommendations, this is all so new to me aswell at the moment.
This BC just sucks it affects everyone, I’m feeling for you so much at the moment.

Do you have a breast cancer nurse nurse you can reach out to? They are full of information and have resources in your particular area.
I know you can have access to a Breast cancer retreat through the OTIS Foundation. otisfoundation.org.au
Just a few days away with the family may help, I know it’s not your trip to Europe, maybe a few days away might help.

I know it doesn’t stop you worrying, at least he has made contact.
Just reaching out and giving you a massive hug ❤️
kmakm
Member
7 years ago
Oh Cathy, it never rains but it bloody pours eh? I'm so sorry. Is he refusing to talk to anyone at all, or just his parents? There are organisations and helplines for kids affected by cancer. My kids didn't want to engage with any of them of course...

Can you organise a quick Airbnb somewhere a few hours from home for a break of a few days? A mini-circuit breaker.

It's great that he messaged you. I hope he comes home soon.

Big hug, K xox
Annski
Member
7 years ago
I am so sorry to hear this. Just getting the diagnosis and being terrified and having surgery and dealing with your own feelings is bad enough, but when it happens at this time of the year and you have had plans for a great family trip which have to be shelved ... there's nothing good in this picture. I am sure you are right, your younger son is frightened of what is happening and desperate to get away from his own feelings which obviously will be powerfully confronting whilever he is at home. But it is good that he has told you that he is all right. He is probably staying with a friend ... whose parents are away? (It is terrible how many parents feel fine about abandoning their teenagers so they can go on holidays). If he makes contact again all you can do is talk to him and tell him how much you love him and how much it would mean to you - you personally, not the whole family but you specifically - if he could come home again and be with you. Probably he feels pushed out and lonely, and that nobody understands or needs him. But there is really not a lot else you can do right now except try your best to destress, and that includes asking others in the family not to stress you over this as well. Sometimes in a situation like this it is good to write a journal expressing your feelings for yourself. Often there is no-one better to talk to. I am sure others will give you support and maybe have some other suggestions. Sending you wishes and hugs. A.
kezmusc
Member
7 years ago
Hi @CathyMac,

As if things weren't worriesome enough. Checking in with you is a good thing, means he is still thinking about you and knows you'll be worried. I don't have any words of wisdom unfortunately. We have 5 kids and the eldest gave us a very hard time for a while. He's back on track now but it was hard going. He just about ruined our relationship and our business.

It is so very difficult when you just can't get through to them and they hang around toxic influences on top of that.
They just don't understand the heartbreak and worry when a parent feels helpless to change the situation for their child.

Hopefully he will come home soon once he's had a chance to think and clear his head a bit.
Is there any of the school support team you can contact during the holidays in an emergency? I feel for you lovely. xoxox

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