Digging a Hole with my Brain

All of these thoughts that you talk about are already floating around my mind and I'm 3 taxols and radiation away from finishing my treatment for TNBC. I keep telling myself that it is what it is and for me the best way to cope is to compartmentalise the different phases. SURGERY, GENE TEST, AC, TAXOL, RADIATION. My friends and family want to celebrate the end of treatment because it's a line drawn for them, a symbol that it's over, but for me and others like me it is far far from over. Because, after treatment will come the anxious battles you have described so perfectly. A feeling if being let go from the safety net of appointments, the caring of the chemo nurses and I'm sure the radio nurses which I'm yet to experience. A feeling of not actively doing anything anymore. But I also think about the opposite side to the coin...soon I'll be free, free from scheduling and coping with the side effects, of trying to keep working in spite of the fatigue, and ultimately free to do anything I want to do! You are completely correct in saying that there is a part of me, the old me that I still recognise, but also now a new me, one that doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do. I don't want to waste a moment of my time or energy on things or people that don't matter. I've learned that my time and energy are so so precious and they are now reserved for the things that I deem are worthy of them. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to take my 13 y.o. To the hairdressers last week to get her hair coloured for the first time! Something so everyday but to me it was a very special moment! I apologise I think I am rambling! I so appreciate your post! It helps me to believe that these are very normal responses to extraordinarily abnormal situations! I wish you all the very very best in your recovery! Love, Maryanne x