Well-meaning help

Hun Never ever ever feel badly for needing to vent or foor feeling frustrated with a loved one for being overbearing and hard to take at times.

I get some saying be gratefull she is here as I have lost a pernet at an early age and know what it is like wishing they were here. 

I have a mother that could ahve taught Hitler and Napoleon a few tricks in how to never ever give up and get their way. Yes she loves me and yes she does what she does because she believes her eay is the best way for me but there is no other way of putting it - in her determination to get what she bekueves to be the best outcome for me she will bully me trample me over and make my life an absolute misery and she will simply be incapable of hearing or understanding why what she wants me to do or is doing against my wishes needs to stop. And if physically stopped and there were times I had to physically step in front of her to stop her from doing something to my gome ir even myself or even demand her to leave and on 2 ocassions forced to go as far to call the police to remove her as she refused to go and I was having a breakdown fighting her and only then she would leave she would heroffciurse outraged and enraged. 

And the hardest thing is that we know they love us and do what they do out of love but frankly some are incredible strong personallities and it is incredibly difficult to set boundaries while trying to keep stress levels down while ill and weak.

I am in no way suggesting your mum is as difficult as mine by the way. I know my mum has a very special kind of crazyness but she is my mum and I love her and I know she does what she does because in her crazy way tlshe is incapable of stopping her self from 'helping me even against my will as she knows best''.

It is because I know what she does is out of love and fear for me combined with her personality that I vent to others. So to minimise hurting her.

But at the samemtime we have to protect ourselves. Be it out of love or malice when someone is putting pressure on you and stressing you out it interferes with your healing process. BC is not my 1st "fight to live rideo". I have been there before as I have a crap genetic make-up and for the past 20+ years have fought hard to live due to several condituons. Have had a far more major surgery a few years ago when I was next to immobile for a few weeks and had the same battle with 'I am helping you' well meaning loving people who simply refused to hear me and did what they believed I needed, when they believed I needed them and were not hearing me. That is why this time arround nobidy knows about my BC and Chemo. Mum is supposed to go o'seas this weekend and be away for 2 months so keeping it a secret as as much as I love her there is no way I could survive her well meaning help while battling whatever Chemo throws at me.

Hun it is not easy but you know what you need. Never feel badly to ask for what you need and to stop people from doing what is stressing you out. They may be hurt in that moment but they will get it. They will understand that you need peace and understanding so that your mind can digest what is happening to you. You need to heal and to have the right frame of mind to both fight cancer, bear Chemo and its sideeffects and be the person you are to thise arround you.uYou will still be mum and wife and daughter and sister and frind and coworker etc... but you need to be you in your own way that works for you in this moment. 

You are number 1 in this situation as you need to be strong and at peace so you can get through this. Never ever be affraid to set boundaries. Tell them what you need and tell them you will call them and take them up on the offer of help if you need them BUT you need them to understand that you need to figure out what it is that you do need and until then they have to let you digest it all and respect that you need time to figure it out and that yes you may be a cancer patient BUT you are not a toddler - you are an adult who knows her self and her needs.

And never ever be affraid to rant and rave and vent to us. You need an outlet so even if not wanting to do it in a post feel free to message me any time - I promise I will understand as I am in the same boat ????????

Hugs

Jel.

Thank you SC, your reply helped me so much! I had a good cry, realising how grateful I am for this forum because it has really brought my relationship with my mum to the fore. This is after 20+ years of re-setting boundaries, therapy, etc. 

Cancer is not just physical. You've helped me see what I'm dealing with and how others are dealing with it too. 

Thank you so much, from the  bottom of my heart. 

Hi Keiley, 

I hear you.... while I was going through treatment my mum drove me insane, so I worked out what worked for me.... then set about making sure that I was the priority in the situation. I like many others have that uneasy relationship with my mum.... VENT all you need in here. For those saying to Keiley be grateful etc.... She is grateful she needs to vent what is happening for her to have a sense of control in this uncontrollable journey we take. BE gentle on her and others in your response.  Keiley I want to say I had to tell mum to go home please as she was walking me at 5am when she woke asking are you getting up yet!!!!.... when in reality I had gotten to sleep at 4am due to insomnia from the Chemo. I collapsed and was hospitalised had been in Hospital until they sent me home at 3am. she woke me at 6am saying was I ready for a shower.... NO I bloody wasnt... but I said no thanks smiled and realised I needed to set some boundaries to help us survive this journey. 

Please feel free to vent we need to  take care Soldier Crab 

Thanks San-Dee, I see your relationship with your mum is not straightforward and I know what that is like! Thank you for helping me feel like I'm not the only one here. 

I'm doing all I can to protect the relationship I have with her so it's not sabotaged while I am in this vulnerable state, it's a dangerous time! I find out on Thursday how much chemo is ahead for me, and asked her to come along, so we can work out what will be best for everyone. 

We're not all dealt the same cards in life, are we?

Jen, your response has really made me think. I can really understand your decision here, but I know that no one else can truly understand how difficult a decision like this is! 

I've carefully orchestrated which appointments, which parts of this journey is 'safe' for my mum, for me, for my kids (as her grandchildren). My mum is the way she is and she can't help it, but I have these mechanisms in place so that I can keep a relationship with her. So far it's working to keep these visits positive experiences. I did use this blog as an outlet for my frustration, disappointment, and my fear around how vulnerable I feel right now. I think you can understand the layers of that vulnerability. 

Thank you Christine! We laughed awkwardly about the milk fiasco and sorted it easily. I was surprised at my reaction to this little thing - it was quickly obvious to everyone here that I'm pretty scared about being home alone and not being able to look after myself. I'm recovering well, and feeling well, but feeling really vulnerable and weak and a bit useless of course. 

So we just found a smaller jug and each morning before everyone leaves the house I get them to make me my own milk container. 

Really, the rate my son drinks milk there's soon only a litre to pick up anyway! I've always teased him about growing a tail and cloven hooves like the calf he is. 

I'm going back for my check up and results and plan for next treatment in a few days, and mum is coming along for that one. If I were her I would want to know what is happening to my daughter next and be there when she finds out.

However, It will make it tougher for me because she suffers anxiety and depression and is the carer for my dad so of course our 'mother daughter' relationship is complex. I'll need to be mindful of her instead of 'letting it all out' with the BC nurses this time. That's ok. I can call them later when I'm alone. 

On the upside, my son is now proudly doing the laundry! He learned fast, and now tells us all how to do it his way. Love it. 

Thank you Tracey, it sounds like you understand what I needed to hear. And I definitely need softy cuddles!

Hi, 

yes, I hear you loud and clear, you want some control over your life but at the same time you mum needs to do something for you too - any little thing . She can't fix you so she's fussing because that's what mums do . Be kind and let her fuss a bit and tell her you loved her help but you need to do things yourself now and she's only a phone call away if needed. Wish you well . My mum was like that for me but unfortunately the second time I got breast cancer she had died and I missed her ??

Hi I understand the feeling of your mum trying to hard, but you know what she is worried about you try and think about how you might react if it was your child. I have no mother or mother in law and when I went through my trip my father wasn't there for me at all. This trip we all go through effects us all so differently, take care of yourself and one day at a time xxx

Hi Keiley

freaking out over the 3 litres of milk is just the catalyst.  Both you and your mum are feeling out of control and there's nothing you can do to change things. This won't be the first or last outburst. Talk to your mum and tell her what you are wanting to achieve and why. Getting her to help you make things user friendly for you is a great start.  This will help mums feelings of uselessness and will help you feel a little more in control of what's happening to you. Remember, you will all get through this. Take care. Karen xox