I am so glad I got to 5 years, and I am hoping to another! My breast cancer was trying to kill me! I fought hard, but I also recall the moments where I caved and wished I would die!Every one around me tried to shower me with fairy floss and cotton wool, and sugar coated BS!!.... "You'll be fine Gayle! You'll beat this! Stay strong and stay positive!!" :smile: ... I was positive! I was positive I had a cancer that was killing me and I was going to die! I hated all that happy cheery shit! Because as much as I took it in, I'd go home to my lonely bed ( hubby slept in another room to give me space to throw up! ) and hug my bucket, and my pink blanky ( Thanks to my cancer care nurse ), and I would cry my eyes out! No one could convince me otherwise. My bloods hadn't changed, my body was failing on me! I would cower down in the shower, pushing my shit down the plug hole because I couldn't control the body fluids, my nose would poor blood, I'd vomited so much I got a hernia! My heart pounded out of my chest, and I still have it after 5 years, a weak heart muscle that gets hiccups... my liver is on the border of failure, but I drink alcohol later in the day to turn my head off! .... I am not my friend, who had both small breasts off, went through a milder form of chemo, no radiation, and can run a marathon every month, paddle board on the lake, ride a skinny bike in a race.... I am not her.... I am 15kg heavier and can't shake that spare tyre around my middle. I am lop sided with an annoying prosthetic boob in my bra, I am the wife who hides from her loving husband who turns away when I undress anyway, who no longer wants to race me off to the bedroom, or do me on a kitchen chair like we use to! I am the wife who catches him looking at nice perky breasts, and just laughs it off!! ( Damn the weather girl!!) .... I am the woman who hates what happened just as my life was going to be amazing!! I am the unemployed, unemployable due to "medical background risk" ... I am a realist!! .... But I am still alive and breathing, and I will still soldier on!!

Hurrah! Finally someone who speaks out and says that breast cancer is not a bed of roses. We are all different. Thanks for posting.. Your world has been turned upside down,so has mine. I recently spoke to someone who said overcoming illness is all in the mind.Really? I said is diabetes,asthma etc all in the mind. How your body reacts to chemo ,radiation and medication is how your body reacts. You have some control over how you will react mentally but thats it. For some their journey will be easier than others. I miss my freedom . I cant drive at the moment . I went thru all treatment only just recently have a shoulder injury. My shoulder should heal over several months ,Great. As you said we can only soldier on.

Whoa! I can see someone needs to vent and have a hissy fit! Go ahead as that is what we are here for! I have to say I struggled with your heading, but that is me, perhaps a bit prudish at times! Can't compare yourself to others as it only does your head in as I can see in this vent! Eventually you will find acceptance, or perhaps you already have, as I think you said in another post it has been 5 years however your vent is a little like someone just starting out! Anyhow, maybe you'll be on your way to smiling at the skinny bike race and say oh well I'm not 18 anymore but if I was that might've been me! Alive and breathing is a good way to be! Don't think much of the alternative, do you?Take care and sending you a virtual hug

We are never the same person, like a broken chalice, with cracks and chips, and loss of lustre. However we have integrity, bravery, insight and courage. We have been through experiences that are difficult to describe to others, understanding that it is difficult for them too. These qualities shine well above those who have not travelled on our path, and we have the ability to enlighten, support and provide an easier path for those who follow in our footsteps. Never discount how special and loved you aware, and how your example inspires others. Sending you a big wobbly cuddle, Trace

Gayle, just wanted to pop in and acknowledge your Post. I for one have never sugar coated my experience, so I do appreciate when other people don't. We all have different experiences through BC and some a hell of a lot worse than others, but I believe its all relative. First of all Id like to say that its fantastic that you got to 5 years, wishing you many many more! I made it to 4yrs then hit with a recurrence and whole lot worse of a journey....yeah I kicked and screamed even saw the depths of hell and can be brutally honest and say I did have moments that I thought the alternative was better than how sick I was. I did get through it, no clue how as a single parent 6yrs hard slog I wont deny. I never thought Id get to the end of treatment, but I did, it changed me in so many ways, but it also allowed me to sit back and really look at myself. Sure I still have days where I dont like who I see,yep heavier, even aged. But I figured as I currently recover from a Mastectomy/Diep Flap recon in a bit of pain...I can hate what this journey has done to me the past 6yrs or I can appreciate the challenge that I never asked for, that allowed me to rise, to redefine myself, to say NO, to put ME FIRST and to accept I am forever changed but what I never ever thought I would have learnt or found to this point...that I would learn to love myself 100 times more than I think I ever gave myself credit for. All my life living for other people...now I live for me...life is still challenging but I have 2 beautiful healthy children who weathered these years with me, who learnt to never quit...who see beauty where I never could..they SEE ME. To be 6 months in a new relationship at diagnosis ready to be abandoned...nope....2yrs later still here...still seeing beauty where I couldn't...he sees me. Thankyou Gayle, nobody but nobody can tell their story like the person living it can...it is their story wholly...nope it is not a bed of roses...and all the positivity in the world will not change what you have to go through. I actually dont look too far ahead to the future at all, but in this moment inspite of all of this...I somehow did find peace and had I not been challenged or broken the way this did, I would never have found me. Hugs Melinda xo

@"Gayle Taylor" I hear hurt and pain in your words. I see my life now after cancer with all the gifts that chemo etc leaves behind as blessed.... I am here for my children longer than I thought when diagnosed back in 2012. YES there are problems my gut is not healthy anymore my hernia is a pain my lack of strength in frustrating and my neuropathy and lymphodema piss me off at times, but I have let the angst go so that I can enjoy what my new normal is now.... I recently read about Kintsugi a Japanese tradition... and it resonated with me I am sharing it here to give an understanding of how I have accepted the changes that cancer brought me.... I had a bilateral Mastectomy and no reconstruction. Hugs Soldier Crab http://www.drgajdos.com/Articles/KintsugiAndOurBrokenness.htmlMind Matters — Kintsugi and Our BrokennessKintsugi, translated as “gold joinery,” is the Japanese craft tradition of repairing broken pottery with gold filled resin. Now artisans use a variety of materials to connect the shards, but the message remains the same. Instead of the mend hiding the formerly broken pieces, kintsugi proudly proclaims the damage visibly with defined lines.In Kintsugi, the fact of brokenness represents a history beyond newness and, therefore, the object is even more beautiful.What an allegory for our lives in a culture where new is “improved” and age is to be defied. Kintsugi can be applied to all of us so that we indeed see that we are both beautiful and strong in our broken places. With this sense, we derive meaning from our suffering, our woundedness, our aging.The power of kintsugi was brought home to me by singer-songwriter John Flynn. I was not familiar with the term until I heard Flynn’s composition eponymously named.The lyrics of his song bespeak how the analogy of a broken bowl made whole meets our deepest experience:“Rejoining shattered pieces … in a whole new way. … You are beautiful because your heart is broken … because you have the wisdom, kindness, grace … let me kiss the tears upon your face. …”Recently, I wrote about family. Ironically, soon after that column, I learned that a relative had died suddenly. I want to dedicate this entry on kintsugi to my extended family who now grieve the loss of my first cousin’s youngest daughter, my god child, Julie. At forty-four, she had an aneurysm and died soon after. Part of my extended family’s sense of kintsugi, I think, is in the meaning they have found in Julie’s legacy to live on in others, not only spiritually, but also by her organ donations. Her memorial service honored her giving even in death, and we were all urged to do likewise.

Stop The Bullshit!! | BCNA Online Network

24 Replies

Gayle_Taylor
Member
9 years ago

Nadi said:

Who says we have to be positive all the time? We have the right to crack the s***s every once in a while. God how I hated it when people said "be 'positive' and you will beat this". Bulldust. Being positive doesn't have anything to do with curing cancer, if it did it would have been the cheapest easiest fix around and they'd be booking us into club meds and yoga sanctuaries rather than operating theatres and chemo units. While I am so sorry you have to go through this, I loved your post and felt like this forum was your own punching bag. Punch away Gayle. PUNCH, PUNCH, PUNCH. Get it out. I'll even hold the bag for you. We can take it and hopefully it will make you feel a bit better, even if only for a little while...

HUGS

Nadine

Thankyou sweetheart!! ... you punch on also ;) xxxx
Gayle_Taylor
Member
9 years ago

adean said:

Nothing like a reality check . Well done because not everyone has a good ride and god its bloody hard to be positive all the time when for some de as th is a reality. None of us know which card we will get but we are all here for a reason and thats to share. Thanks for your share. Xxxadean

Glemmis said:

I agree Nadi, I hated all that rubbish about being positive & strong & made to feel guilty when I wasn't. I think it just helps our family & friends to deal with it when we are. I lost it so many times & cried a lot & then steadily felt better as time went on. Everyone has different ways of handling it & should be allowed to feel whatever they want without other people's opinions.

THANKYOU!!! You get it!!... They tell men to cry!! Yet if we BC women ( and men ) do, we are told to be strong! NO! We are Mums, we run households, some of us single handed! We are reliant on a job for income! We socialise! We run a committee!, We travel for what ever reason! And then oneday.... it's all gone!! No matter how much we tell ourselves that we will be able to juggle life and cancer... no, it doesn't happen that way. Prior to my BC, I watched a news clip about a model who refused to have her breasts off, and said she needed them for her income... and she had a little boy. I thought how selfish! She would rather risk it spreading because her boobs were her life!!... Sadly she didn't make it, and left her 6 yr old with family he didn't really know! .... We can either choose to deny and ignore, or we just give in and ride that bitch to the end, good, or bad, either way, our life becomes not our, we lose control over everything!
Gayle_Taylor
Member
9 years ago

TonyaM said:

Hi Gayle, I remember being online with you years ago.You had a crappy time with chemo and its aftermath- not to mention all the other health issues you have to deal with. Some days are just bad days aren't they.I hear you about the mastectomy blues.I don't undress in front of my hubby either- now that would really be a passion killer! ( in my mind anyway) But we are still ok in that department. My gut and liver aren't quite the same since treatment.I stopped Tamoxifen after 4 years cos I was getting so many health problems. My oncologist suggested it was me just aging! Ofcourse he would!! Well Gayle,you are in good company here with us disfigured, decrepit and broken bodied women. But our spirits are strong and feisty- don't lose that darl.xxx

Hi Tony! It has been a longtime, and I have actually been really good...in between... lol I just had enough of days feeling great, then wake up feeling like Ive had chemo!! ,,, That whole dry sticky mouth, dry sore eyes, weird kind of spaced out tired feeling, and flat as a pancake! ... I actually read something about certain long term chemo drugs attaching themselves to blood cells, just some, and that's why we feel shit. Every now and then it's like a period cycle. I strongly believe this!
Brenda5
Member
9 years ago
We get it. Here is our haven where we can have a rant and help each other. I went to a BNCA seminar with over 100 breast cancer survivors and it was just heaven to speak one on one with some of them. The more you talk the better understanding of each other we have. <3
TonyaM
Member
9 years ago
Hi Gayle, I remember being online with you years ago.You had a crappy time with chemo and its aftermath- not to mention all the other health issues you have to deal with. Some days are just bad days aren't they.I hear you about the mastectomy blues.I don't undress in front of my hubby either- now that would really be a passion killer! ( in my mind anyway) But we are still ok in that department. My gut and liver aren't quite the same since treatment.I stopped Tamoxifen after 4 years cos I was getting so many health problems. My oncologist suggested it was me just aging! Ofcourse he would!! Well Gayle,you are in good company here with us disfigured, decrepit and broken bodied women. But our spirits are strong and feisty- don't lose that darl.xxx
adean
Member
9 years ago
Nothing like a reality check . Well done because not everyone has a good ride and god its bloody hard to be positive all the time when for some de as th is a reality. None of us know which card we will get but we are all here for a reason and thats to share. Thanks for your share. Xxxadean
Gayle_Taylor
Member
9 years ago

primek said:

Oh Gawd your time on chemo sounds horrendous. But look at you ...a Survivor and certainly a fighter. I hope that now you get some joy back in your life and look forward to many more years with some fun in your future.

Is it time to think reconstruction so that you feel comfortable in your own skin? Just reading between the lines here. It might be the right time to consider those options now you know you are going to be around to enjoy them . :)

And yes chemo sucks ...but friggin cancer sucks more. Take that B! tch ...another one you failed to get.

Look forward to reading many more posts.

Kath x

Unfortunately I had to have a lot of tissue removed, so I am pretty much down to the rib cage. I'm 52, my body can't take anymore pain. But thanks for reading xxx
Glemmis
Member
9 years ago
I agree Nadi, I hated all that rubbish about being positive & strong & made to feel guilty when I wasn't. I think it just helps our family & friends to deal with it when we are. I lost it so many times & cried a lot & then steadily felt better as time went on. Everyone has different ways of handling it & should be allowed to feel whatever they want without other people's opinions.
Nadi
Member
9 years ago
Who says we have to be positive all the time? We have the right to crack the s***s every once in a while. God how I hated it when people said "be 'positive' and you will beat this". Bulldust. Being positive doesn't have anything to do with curing cancer, if it did it would have been the cheapest easiest fix around and they'd be booking us into club meds and yoga sanctuaries rather than operating theatres and chemo units. While I am so sorry you have to go through this, I loved your post and felt like this forum was your own punching bag. Punch away Gayle. PUNCH, PUNCH, PUNCH. Get it out. I'll even hold the bag for you. We can take it and hopefully it will make you feel a bit better, even if only for a little while...

HUGS

Nadine
primek
Member
9 years ago
Oh Gawd your time on chemo sounds horrendous. But look at you ...a Survivor and certainly a fighter. I hope that now you get some joy back in your life and look forward to many more years with some fun in your future.

Is it time to think reconstruction so that you feel comfortable in your own skin? Just reading between the lines here. It might be the right time to consider those options now you know you are going to be around to enjoy them . :)

And yes chemo sucks ...but friggin cancer sucks more. Take that B! tch ...another one you failed to get.

Look forward to reading many more posts.

Kath x