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Gayle_Taylor's avatar
Gayle_Taylor
Member
9 years ago

Stop The Bullshit!!

I am so glad I got to 5 years, and I am hoping to another! My breast cancer was trying to kill me! I fought hard, but I also recall the moments where I caved and wished I would die!
Every one around me tried to shower me with fairy floss and cotton wool, and sugar coated BS!!.... "You'll be fine Gayle! You'll beat this! Stay strong and stay positive!!" :smile:  ... I was positive! I was positive I had a cancer that was killing me and I was going to die! I hated all that happy cheery shit! Because as much as I took it in, I'd go home to my lonely bed ( hubby slept in another room to give me space to throw up! ) and hug my bucket, and my pink blanky ( Thanks to my cancer care nurse ), and I would cry my eyes out!  No one could convince me otherwise. My bloods hadn't changed, my body was failing on me! I would cower down in the shower, pushing my shit down the plug hole because I couldn't control the body fluids, my nose would poor blood, I'd vomited so much I got a hernia! My heart pounded out of my chest, and I still have it after 5 years, a weak heart muscle that gets hiccups... my liver is on the border of failure, but I drink alcohol later in the day to turn my head off! .... I am not my friend, who had both small breasts off, went through a milder form of chemo, no radiation, and can run a marathon every month, paddle board on the lake, ride a skinny bike in a race.... I am not her.... I am 15kg heavier and can't shake that spare tyre around my middle. I am lop sided with an annoying prosthetic boob in my bra, I am the wife who hides from her loving husband who turns away when I undress anyway, who no longer wants to race me off to the bedroom, or do me on a kitchen chair like we use to! I am the wife who catches him looking at nice perky breasts, and just laughs it off!! ( Damn the weather girl!!) .... I am the woman who hates what happened just as my life was going to be amazing!! I am the unemployed, unemployable due to "medical background risk" ... I am a realist!! .... But I am still alive and breathing, and I will still soldier on!!

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  • melclarity's avatar
    melclarity
    Member
    9 years ago
    Gayle, just wanted to pop in and acknowledge your Post. I for one have never sugar coated my experience, so I do appreciate when other people don't. We all have different experiences through BC and some a hell of a lot worse than others, but I believe its all relative. First of all Id like to say that its fantastic that you got to 5 years, wishing you many many more! I made it to 4yrs then hit with a recurrence and whole lot worse of a journey....yeah I kicked and screamed even saw the depths of hell and can be brutally honest and say I did have moments that I thought the alternative was better than how sick I was. I did get through it, no clue how as a single parent 6yrs hard slog I wont deny. I never thought Id get to the end of treatment, but I did, it changed me in so many ways, but it also allowed me to sit back and really look at myself. Sure I still have days where I dont like who I see,yep heavier, even aged. But I figured as I currently recover from a Mastectomy/Diep Flap recon in a bit of pain...I can hate what this journey has done to me the past 6yrs or I can appreciate the challenge that I never asked for, that allowed me to rise, to redefine myself, to say NO, to put ME FIRST and to accept I am forever changed but what I never ever thought I would have learnt or found to this point...that I would learn to love myself 100 times more than I think I ever gave myself credit for. All my life living for other people...now I live for me...life is still challenging but I have 2 beautiful healthy children who weathered these years with me, who learnt to never quit...who see beauty where I never could..they SEE ME. To be 6 months in a new relationship at diagnosis ready to be abandoned...nope....2yrs later still here...still seeing beauty where I couldn't...he sees me. 

    Thankyou Gayle, nobody but nobody can tell their story like the person living it can...it is their story wholly...nope it is not a bed of roses...and all the positivity in the world will not change what you have to go through. I actually dont look too far ahead to the future at all, but in this moment inspite of all of this...I somehow did find peace and had I not been challenged or broken the way this did, I would never have found me. 

    Hugs Melinda xo 
  • Anonymous's avatar
    Anonymous
    9 years ago
      We are never the same person, like a broken chalice, with cracks and chips, and loss of lustre. However we have integrity, bravery, insight and courage. We have been through experiences that are difficult to describe to others, understanding that it is difficult for them too. 
    These qualities shine well above those who have not travelled on our path, and we have the ability to enlighten, support and provide an easier path for those who follow in our footsteps. Never discount how special and loved you aware, and how your example inspires others. Sending you a big wobbly cuddle, Trace
  • iserbrown's avatar
    iserbrown
    Member
    9 years ago
    Whoa!  I can see someone needs to vent and have a hissy fit!  Go ahead as that is what we are here for!  I have to say I struggled with your heading, but that is me, perhaps a bit prudish at times! 
    Can't compare yourself to others as it only does your head in as I can see in this vent!  Eventually you will find acceptance, or perhaps you already have, as I think you said in another post it has been 5 years however your vent is a little like someone just starting out!  Anyhow, maybe you'll be on your way to smiling at the skinny bike race and say oh well I'm not 18 anymore but if I was that might've been me! 
    Alive and breathing is a good way to be!  Don't think much of the alternative, do you?
    Take care and sending you a virtual hug 
  • fairydust's avatar
    fairydust
    Member
    9 years ago
    Hurrah! Finally someone who speaks out and says that breast cancer is not a bed of roses.  We are all different. Thanks for posting.. Your world has been turned upside down,so has mine. I recently spoke to someone who said overcoming illness is all in the mind.Really? I said is diabetes,asthma etc all in the mind. How your body reacts to chemo ,radiation and medication is how your body reacts. You have some control over how you will react mentally but thats it. For some their journey will be easier than others. I miss my freedom . I cant drive at the moment . I went thru all treatment only just recently have a shoulder injury. My shoulder should heal over several months ,Great. As you said we can only soldier on.