I just want to be a normal human again

Glad your feeling better.  Saturday is still a few days away so heres hoping - sounds so close.   Maybe a new handbag  may be in order, or shoulder bag with adjustable strap.  Or maybe you could get a plastic drain bag that you can stick to your skin for the night??  Must have some sort of bag like that for the people who wear poop bags??   My surgeon made me keep the drain in too, and told me not to shower!!  Got the bag checked about 14 days in and the nurse says to me of course you can shower, and she gave me those plastic stick on sheets.  She said the dressing can get slightly damp, just blow dry it.  I ended up getting it out at 22 days though as I started chemo the following week.  So of course it got infected after it was removed - luckily the infection cleared enough to start chemo.