Forum Discussion
How supportive is your partner?
Hi everyone,
I had my biopsy on Friday and the radiologist said it was most likely cancer. I was a complete fool and didn't follow up on the ultrasound and mammogram that was performed in October as the report said it was probably ok. Unfortunately it's doubled in size.
I receive the diagnosis on Tuesday.
As you can all imagine I'm pretty stressed out at the moment.
I'm not sure if I'm being to sensitive but I don't think I'm getting a lot of support from my partner. (my partner is female š)
On the Friday she came over, we had the most ridiculous argument and she went home. This floored me as I would never leave someone alone after a (semi) diagnosis.
And tonight I was blown off as she was tired and had a few red wines. Really?? Catch an Uber. Iām not that far.
My point is, what have been your experiences with partner support? I'm already worried. We've been together for just under a year so not sure how she copes with stress.
28 Replies
- Well, I just got my diagnosis and now my partner is probably the furtherest thing from my mind. If she sticks with me then that's great but I have my doubts. I don't blame her, she didn't sign up for this. It will be a messy hard slog and as a few people have mentioned. I have no time for bystanders, your either in for the ride or adios.Thanks everyone. You guys rock. šš
- Hi @Nix, I am sorry your partner isn't there for you as expected. Maybe shock or fear. Time will tell. I was fortunate to have a good husband but he had bad days as I do too. I have only just finished all my surgical, chemo and radium treatment. It is all such alot to process. Some family were ok and others I heard nothing from and it was they same with friends too. Some great and some not. Some female friends said dreadful things to me. I guess they just didn't think. I thought close Female friends would be the best but not everyone can come on this ride with you. Wait and see what your diagnosis is and give your partner a chance. At the end of the day though this is all about you and you will need all the support you can to help get through it. Choose the people you want on this ride with you carefully and make sure they are there for your support. Best wishes
- Cancer (yours or anyone else's) doesn't change anyone's personality, but it sure puts stress on the fault lines.
I've been in this space for much longer than I ever expected to be around, and I can genuinely say that once the shit really hits the fan there can be some folk who are mightily disappointed in their partners, friends or family, but very few who are honestly surprised.
It's a brutal process, and relationship issues are the last thing we want to deal with when it feels like the rest of your life is going down the gurgler. Best advice is treat the situation like you would any other life threatening catastrophe--preserve life first. Don't waste too much energy on consoling the bystanders, if that's what they choose to be. They will wander off, decide to help or (the true fuckers) record the lot on their smart phone and expect to be treated like they are the traumatised party. Hang in there and keep your eye on the main game--survival. The rest seems to work itself out. MXX - Its hard to know at the beginning of relationships if your values are aligned. You might expect a person to do certain things under certain circumstances but there might be different expectations. Its up to you to know what you want and encourage that or move on.
My hubby is a lovely person but he can be a bit slow sometimes in understanding the things that im dealing with. Ive had to guide him and have vented a few times.
Just because your partner is female doesnt mean they are any more able to deal with it. Cancer is very feared. Breast cancer in women is very feared. I know it doesnt make sense when you are the one it impacts most but there you go. Friends and non romantic partners can also be cutting. My brother only contacted me via text twice during chemo. Does it bother me - yes - do i think he doesnt care - no. Likewise close friends all visited me just once. In the end i just decided that the place we are at in life, they are still living it and my life has slowed and become quite concentrated.
My sister rang me every day and she is my bestie. My parents were amazing. - @sister @iserbrown @Locksley
thank you so much ladies ā„ļøā„ļø. He was a shit, and Iām glad I found that out early on in the relationship, albeit it had to be cos of ca, but nevertheless didnāt waste more time on him. And yes, my current partner is absolutely wonderful. The total opposite. But I only found him after I truly decided, felt and believed that I deserve the best š„°.
@Nix thank you, I felt like slapping him too š. And Iām completely over him, I have been since then, but my anger remains because of myself, not him. Itās because I allowed that treatment from him, and didnāt say anything while it was happening. I did tell him off when I broke it off, but I feel it wasnāt enough. Thereās still things Iād like to tell him that I didnāt then, when I was putting aside my own beliefs just to keep the peace with him. I might write him a letter. Just for myself, to prove to myself I am always on my side, and will not be trampled on for anybody anymore.Anyway, Iām really sorry because I didnāt want to ambush your post. My aim wasnāt to get sympathy or steal attention, but to describe it in a way that would be understood and hopefully help you and others. I wanted to show I didnāt just give up on the relationship at the first sign of trouble. And he had a close friend who had just had surgery for recurring cancer and was pretty much terminal, so I thought thatās maybe why he couldnāt support me. I thought I wonāt make a big deal about it because he was already going through so much with his friend. I even apologised to him after my specialist app for the hassle of my diagnosis š¤¦š¼āāļøš¤¦š¼āāļø.
Basically, I wanted to tell him he didnāt need to stay with me if he felt he couldnāt. But I was too scared to say it in case he actually didnāt. But then as I said, I got angry bc I didnāt choose ca. And I shouldnāt be the one apologising! And he was the branch manager of an engineering company, so with all his āpeople skillsā Iām sure he wouldāve been able to tell me if he couldnāt be there for me!! Well that was my reasoning. Apparently he wasnāt able to, and for all his academic intelligence, it appears he had zero emotional intelligence. And I also thought that having a friend going through it wasnāt enough reason to not support me too. Itās not like he had to do the surgery himself. If he could support his friend, he could support me, the woman he thought might bear his children one day!
Life throws things our way, we canāt ignore one important thing because of another, it doesnāt work that way. So, Iām not here to give relationship advice either. I donāt know you or your partner very well, and Iām def not a relationship specialist. I just wanted to emphasise one thing: what is important to YOU in a partner?
We can all share our stories, but youāll see that different people tolerate different things. Our demands are not always the same. Itās about you and your values. For me, I decided that I couldnāt be with someone who would ignore me through my toughest time. What would happen later, when I was pregnant for example? Would he have ignored me then too, and come up with excuses for it? And how long are you prepared to wait for your partner to come around and be able to help you deal with difficult situations? A week? 2 months? What happens in that time while youāre waiting?
And what does your partner expect of you during difficult times? Are you always there from the get-go, or do you need time too, to come to terms with things? If youāre the kind of person who gives a lot, can you be happy knowing your partner might not be your equal in that way? These are things I guess you need to answer for yourself, and decide whatās right for you. Because as I said, I canāt tell you what to do, and neither can anyone else. Also, after nearly a year, you should each know how the other deals with stress. If not, maybe this is your indication. And I know we think women tend to be more sensitive, but I honestly think itās up to the individual. I know heaps of men who are much more sensitive than my female friends. I understand your disappointment though.Most importantly, please try and focus on yourself. I know how you feel, I went through the same thing, and itās soooo hard to be let down now, with this going on. So hard. But you are your priority, and always should be. So put her aside, get support from a good friend or family, and concentrate on getting yourself through this, whatever the results are tomorrow. Youāre strong and you can do it ā„ļøā„ļø. - ladies thank you. I really mean that. Your words mean so much.
@FLClover I feel slapping that guy. What a cold-hearted piece of sh$t. Oh yes, I would definitely have unresolved anger simmering inside. However your words to me are lovely and mean heaps. You helped me, f@@k him!
You know what I find almost amusing is that you would think a female partner would be more emotionally connected to you and more supportive. Apparently not. š£
Have a great day ladies š - @Nix sorry to see you here. Hopefully your results will be negative. There is lots of support here too. Hope you have your Mum or another close friend to support you too.
@FLClover so glad you got rid of guy you were dating. It sounds like your new partner is wonderful. - @FLClover
Thank goodness you walked from the can't talk on the phone so and so!
Hopefully your anger and hurt will subside and happiness will dominate
Personally my hubby is my rock. We've been through a lot over the years and the love and support is as strong as Day 1, back in 1975.......now I am showing my age! - There's a lot said already that makes a lot of sense.
By the sound of it your relationship is in its infancy.
Your gut instinct will or maybe will determine what's going on.
At present you need to concentrate on yourself and what's happening medically.
Do you have Mum or just a good friend who may join you at appointments?
Surf the BCNA website as there's lots of information to absorb including for families, friends and workplace et cetera
Take a deep breath and concentrate on your own well being so you are not emotionally distracted when you go for results
Take care - I think that our partners are probably as diverse as we ourselves are, and that there is no "one size fits all" in how they react. I also think that sayings become sayings, because they resonate with us with their truth. "Trust your gut"...yes, what is your gut saying? Only you know, but I have to say, it seems to me she is withdrawing, either from you, or the potential diagnosis. Many of us have found that breast cancer has resulted in a sifting out process and that there are some who go straight through and down the drain. In my case, my husband (42 years now), needed a little instruction regarding support. We had had a row where I complained that I felt he was not supporting me and that I was alone with my feelings. He was somewhat confused and pointed out that he took me to all my appointments and now did all the shopping and cooking. (I was having a terrible time with chemo...56 days all up in hospital). I had to point out that trans-port and sup-port were two different things. For transport I could call an uber or cab, groceries could be delivered to the door, and meals...ta daaa they could be delivered too. I told him I needed him, not a servant. I needed him to listen, to hold me, to love and soothe me. Not to always ask "What do you want me to do"?? I told him I knew he couldn't "fix" anything...he didn't need to be my "Screwdriver or spanner"...he needed to be my "blotting paper" as it were. To absorb my grief and anger, not try to fix it. By the way, he is a full on Aspie as is my daughter, so I know from hard earned experience that he need things to be spelled out literally. Euphemisms don't work. I need to say "orange jam" not "marmalade". Tell your partner how you really feel and if she apologises and gets her shit together, well and good. If not, then do what's best for you. One thing is for sure, you don't need to schlep around an albatross as you prepare for the second shitfest of your life.
