Forum Discussion
Anniversary
Today is the first anniversary of my mammogram. I was pretty stony faced. Nine months before my sister had died from breast cancer and I was resentful of the inefficiency at the front desk, the pink positivity messages and images plastered everywhere, and the long wait, despite the fact I had an appointment. I was asked if I wanted to take part in a study comparing detection results between 2D and 3D mammograms. I'd be randomly assigned. Always happy to be part of a medical study I said yes. I got 2D.
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
194 Replies
- Back at ya, @Sister xxxx
- Celebrating a different type of anniversary... I've been a BCNA forum member for 1 year. I can truly say that I don't think I would have gotten through this so well without the wonderful support I have had from the people on this site. You are truly amazing and, together, a force to be reckoned with.
- That's very kind @Anne65, thank you.
- @arpie Thanks for your kind words. i will always be here for all of you as I know you will be for me. That's what is great about this website. Sometimes it's the little things that touch us & by helping someone else, like I did for the brain scan lady, it makes us feel better about things to know that we can make a difference. As they say "it is better to give than receive".
@kmakm Thanks so much. You are too kind! I think you are one of the most giving, selfless people I know so please remember that when you are feeling a little sad. What support you have given to us & your family is nothing short of amazing considering what you have personally gone through. You should take pride in the help you have given to so many & hopefully that will bring a smile to your face on the days when you are feeling down. Respect right back at ya!
@Sister I am already looking forward to next years luncheon & we better be on the invite list & we'll make sure we can get a seat together!
love & hugs to you all xxxx - So very, very pleased to hear it. Maybe we'll get invited to the St Andrews lunch again!
- Well done on all fronts @Anne65. You are such a thoughtful and compassionate woman. Respect.
How fab to have no BC appointments for a whole year! Woot woot!! K xox - That is fantastic news @Anne65!! AWESOME! I am so happy for you xxx
And how wonderful that you were able to help the lady going in for the brain scam. She will remember that forever xx
Thank you for ‘being there’ for us (and with us) during the year ... it has been a rocky road .... as you say, worse for some than others ... but everyone is there to help support and offer advice to those in need.
All the best for a terrific Xmas and 2019!! Xx - @Sister @arpie @kmakm Hello my friends & i come bearing good news!! Had my first anniversary mammo yesterday & ALL CLEAR!! YAHOO!! The mammo was done in the same room i visited just over a year ago on the day of my surgery. I went into "that room" to have my hookwire inserted into my breast under mammo prior to my operation & there were many tears & much pain & anguish that day!!
I had an appt with my surgeon an hour after the mammo so I got the results straight away which was great. The surgeon gave me the once over & was very happy. I am still a bit "lumpy" but she reckons that will settle even more. She doesnt want to see me again until next Dec for my next mammo & i have even booked it in already. So no more medical appts for me for a whole year.....if i continue to be good!! My husband & i went out for lunch afterwards at a lovely cafe & celebrated the good news!
My diagnosis anniversary is tomorrow & @Sister, yours is today, @kmakm, yours was yesterday & @arpie was the other day also....what a week last year for us all but let's put it behind us & move forward with positivity. It's hard looking back over the year, but we are all still here, battered & bruised, some worse than others but the most important thing is that we have got through & we have to have faith that our medical teams have done their best for us & will continue to do so. It's funny but I thought about the past year & I have had a very easy time compared to so many of you but I was trying to make sense of it all & figure out some positives to make me feel better & put some perspective on it all. We all ask "why me" so it made me wonder what I have learnt about myself over the year & what good has come out of it. I have learnt that I am stronger than I thought & that i can make tough decisions when I have to with the help of some medical experts too! I also realised how much my family love & support me & would do anything for me. But one of the best things about the past year, is "meeting" such beautiful, strong women on this website. It is very powerful to think that words we give to others or receive from others, can make such a difference in our lives. Yesterday when I was waiting to go in for my mammo, their was a lady sitting by herself looking very anxious as she was about to go in for a brain MRI. I spoke with her for a while & put my hand on her shoulder for comfort & explained that the waiting was the worse!I She soon went in for her scan & then when she finished, she sat with me while I waited & was there when I came out. It seems that whenever we need help, if we look around, someone is there for us & we can be there for others too & together we can give each other the comfort & support we all need.
Thinking of everyone going through a tough time & it is especially hard this time of year. never forget to ask for help if you need it & i wish everyone love & strength as we all deal with our own challenges. lets celebrate the good news & anniversaries as we are all still here fighting on. love to you all xxxx - My anniversary is tomorrow. I was driving the kids to school and my eldest daughter (13) said that it was today. We worked out that it was because it was a Tuesday last year. I had forgotten that it was on her high school transition day. I remember being there for the day, but not leaving work early and my MIL having to pick her up from school. What a bloody awful day it must have been for her.
- Thank you @SoldierCrab. I appreciate the energy! It's certainly a weird day.
