Forum Discussion
Anniversary
Today is the first anniversary of my mammogram. I was pretty stony faced. Nine months before my sister had died from breast cancer and I was resentful of the inefficiency at the front desk, the pink positivity messages and images plastered everywhere, and the long wait, despite the fact I had an appointment. I was asked if I wanted to take part in a study comparing detection results between 2D and 3D mammograms. I'd be randomly assigned. Always happy to be part of a medical study I said yes. I got 2D.
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
194 Replies
- Woohoo!! That's terrific, @Sister - those few tense moments would spook me as well - but, Yay, all good! So glad your surgeon was happy with everything. I guess waiting a bit for the reconstruction will ensure everything has healed really well, too - and a longer break between anaesthetics too! xx
- Okay...went in to have the mammo feeling quite calm. Got called back in for an ultrasound - feeling pretty low and resigned, preparing myself for bad news. Then got called in as the dr wanted to speak to me. Turned out it was just because they couldn't access my Breastscreen films from a year ago and nothing sinister showing. Radiographer was really apologetic saying that she was not allowed to let on that it looked okay. Oh, and I have a dense breast apparently which was why they wanted the ultrasound to be sure.
I saw my surgeon this afternoon and he has reviewed all films and examined me. I also was a bit worried as there seemed to be a slight swelling near my collarbone (maybe - I wasn't sure) but it seems that it's likely to be due to rads and possibly the fact that I hold that side quite tensely now as there's no mass there at all. So, given the all clear.
Also had a brief discussion about reconstruction (tummy flap) - surgeon said that while it's an op that he finds really interesting to do, from a patient's perspective it is a really big deal and he's more than happy for me to sit on it for as long as I want to. - @Sister good luck tomorrow ,fingers crossed for you too !
Wish it was my turn for a scan but have to wait until March! just want to know what's happening in there !!
Trying to book a holiday for May & finding myself say 'what if ?' the scan in March is crap !
Not sure how to move on !! - Everything is crossed for you @Sister. Positive is difficult when its mixed with a big dose of scanxiety. Sending you good scan vibes lovely.
xxxx - All the best @Sister - I will be thinking of you big time on Mon & Tues .... with fingers & toes crossed for good results xxx
- Thanks, guys. Going on my own for the mammo and have to be back at work straight after - not sure yet about the surgeon's appt on Tuesday arvo. Strangely enough I feel very calm at the moment but suspect it'll be meds for sleep tonight. I'm not feeling particularly positive, just fatalistic.
- A treat afterwards is an excellent idea @Sister. Are you taking anyone with you or going on your own? Biggest of bear hugs sista. K xox
- @Sister Thinking of you & wishing you all my love, hugs & support for tomorrow as you go in for your anniversary scan. I know you are feeling all sorts of panic, dread & emotions of your past year & also memories of your sister. She will be with you tomorrow as we all will, giving you the courage & strength you need. Try to remain positive as hard as it may be. You have shown such resilience the past year so I know you will get through. I hope you are taking someone with you & make sure you plan for a treat afterwards so you have something to look forward to. Go out for lunch, coffee or a pamper massage!! Please let us know how you get on. Love & hugs xxxx
- @arpie Such great news!! A reason to celebrate & bring out the uke!!!! You can now say goodbye to the first year & look forward. xx
- @AllyJay Beautiful. Thank you
