Forum Discussion
Anniversary
Today is the first anniversary of my mammogram. I was pretty stony faced. Nine months before my sister had died from breast cancer and I was resentful of the inefficiency at the front desk, the pink positivity messages and images plastered everywhere, and the long wait, despite the fact I had an appointment. I was asked if I wanted to take part in a study comparing detection results between 2D and 3D mammograms. I'd be randomly assigned. Always happy to be part of a medical study I said yes. I got 2D.
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
194 Replies
- I am going to share with those of you who use alternative meds....
I have used prior to Cancer body Harmony (bit like reiki) and I use kinesiology to help with those things.....
I had a fear of flying flew to Australia as a 10 year not good experience vomited from London to Perth.... since then I was also reactive to any flights .... my massage therapist who practices body harmony suggested we do a session after I had to fly to Melbourne (2002) and got really anxious, unwell. I said why not ..... I had a session as part of my massage ... week later flew to Perth and slept peacefully through the trip. Now have no issue with flying.
since joining the roller coaster ride my kinesiologist has done balance regarding the trauma of surgery/chemo/rads and I can now visit those places without the stressors of negative recollections.
Just wanted to share
Soldiercrab - @kmakm, Isn't it weird how our body's can just take over and we have zeor control over it. The day I got that call back from the last scan, as soon as I saw the phone number appear on my screen, even before I answered it, my heart started pounding, everything started shaking, damn near peed my pants! Seriously.
Nothing elegant at all about chemo induced menopause is there? More like a big hot sweaty slap in the face I do believe. - @Blossom1961 Yes, that accords with what my psychologist said. She said when a traumatic event happens, recalling it causes our nervous system to recall the physical sensations we had at the time. It can be quite distressing.
I'm a big fan of a big hug. Right back at ya! K xox - What a horrible experience @arpie.
I was definitely in the run up to menopause and had taken some months at the beginning of last year to adjust to what was coming. I felt a bit confronted but I adjusted and was at peace with it. I really wanted to do it naturally and ease into it. Do it as elegantly as possible. Instead it was with cancer, stress, chemotherapy and Letrozole...
Oh well. That ship has sailed. It's just another item on the list of sadnesses that BC brought me. I'll live. I hope! - I was actually glad when my final period happened ‘naturally’, @kmakm, I was about 50 ..... Leading up to that, I had had some VERY embarrassing random moments when I had Totally unexpected major flooding (as in thru your clothes) ... whilst out shopping ..... as in walking thru the supermarket one minute and “OH F** K” where’s the loo (and there isn’t one unless you are staff ....). NOT a good look! :(
- A speaker at the BCNA forum in Geelong said scanxiety is not anxiety in its usual form. It is actually a fear brought on by remembrance of an actual event and it is very real and very normal. So everyone, give yourself a big hug because you deserve it. And give yourself one from me too, I love giving hugs
- Here's an anniversary for you: it is exactly one year today that I began my last period. As of today I am officially menopausal. :(
- Speaking of anniversaries, this evening I went back to the hospital where I had my tumour removed, and then the re-excision for margins. I was visiting a good friend who had a hysterectomy yesterday. I did experience quite a substantial anxiety spike being there for the first time since the 12th December last year. It bloody feels like yesterday. Glad to see my friend, but very glad to get out of there...
- @Sister @arpie Sounds like we have all got a busy month ahead with us all getting our first anniversary mammos. I'm getting mine done at St Andrews too! What a pity we weren't on the same day!! Mine is on the 4th Dec & I see Melissa, surgeon, straight afterwards. It was good that they arranged it like that so I didnt have to travel to Adelaide again PLUS I didnt have to wait for the results. I was diagnosed 6th Dec last year so my mammo is only 2 days short of one year. Good luck to us all & try to stay positive & calm. We have already proven how strong we can be so let's get this year done & dusted & look forward to easier times ahead!! Love & hugs xx
- All the best for yours, @Sister xx
Mine are up in Port Macquarie on Thurs 22nd ..... I don't think I get to see anyone tho!! They will go to my Rad Onc & BS & new GP. I'm having the same specialist Breast Ultrasound lady as 4-5 months ago when I had the scare in the other boob. She is my Rad Onc's favourite BC ultrasound person. My next 'specialist' visit (unless something is found :neutral: ) is in the middle of Jan, with my BS.
I will never go to Taree Radiology again after they didn't pick it up last 3 times I attended there (2 mammograms & 1 ultrasound) - even tho my GP had indicated the exact spot! :( How important is it - to have faith on your health specialists??
@adean - gosh, I did get a bit of a laugh about your lovely mauve ballgown!! I never even thought of that! Do you think you'll ever wear it 'for fun'??
