Forum Discussion
Anniversary
Today is the first anniversary of my mammogram. I was pretty stony faced. Nine months before my sister had died from breast cancer and I was resentful of the inefficiency at the front desk, the pink positivity messages and images plastered everywhere, and the long wait, despite the fact I had an appointment. I was asked if I wanted to take part in a study comparing detection results between 2D and 3D mammograms. I'd be randomly assigned. Always happy to be part of a medical study I said yes. I got 2D.
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
194 Replies
- @anne65 I think my mammo is on 28th? (the Monday, anyway) at St Andrews and I see Jim the following day. A week short of the year but that's what I could best fit in.
(I thought I had posted this days ago but apparently not) - @adean Brilliant. Love the idea of a mauve ballgown for anything! Keep that laughter going lovely. K xox
- 6 years of l dont know as much as people say well done my inside head person always says dont you blòody come back you creepy creature.l still have my funeral dress lol yes so sure l would die l bought a mauve ball gown with tule under my dream dress.l see it ocassionally in the spare room and piss myself laughing thinking wtf.maybe thats my celebration that l didnt get to wear that dress.xxxxx
- @Anne65 :*
- @primek That's lovely Kath. So good that you are both a comfort to each other. K xox
- The first anniversary is hard. I was suppose to still be under treatment but it was stopped as impacting on my heart 2 weeks before. That first year is a marathon. We are battered and exhausted. I promise you...year 2 is so much sweeter when you start to really believe you are a survivor. It's also harder as you reflect also that your sister isn't with you to celebrate. I feel that too. I celebrate mine with my sister's daughter who did make it, we both understand the confusing bittersweet part of still being here. Something she would be delighted with, that we have each other on those dark days. X
- @Sister Just wondering what is the date of your mammo? The 26th Nov rings a bell but i know it is later this month. I want to mount every one of my positive thoughts & send them to you wrapped up in a BIG hug. Hope are going well. Much love & hugs xx
- @kmakm See, you do still have your sense of humour!!!! Of course we will be doing something fabulous....we will be climbing mountains together & helping each other every step of the way! Virtual hugs xxxx
- Its very important to share and know it is quite normal to have anniversary anxiety so to speak it doesn't go away just gets a little less intense.
- I think that it's important to share how very anxious we feel around this time coming up to our first - it's nice to know that I'm not the only one losing it. It's wonderful to think that in a few years we may be able to face this with more pragmatism.
