Forum Discussion
Anniversary
Today is the first anniversary of my mammogram. I was pretty stony faced. Nine months before my sister had died from breast cancer and I was resentful of the inefficiency at the front desk, the pink positivity messages and images plastered everywhere, and the long wait, despite the fact I had an appointment. I was asked if I wanted to take part in a study comparing detection results between 2D and 3D mammograms. I'd be randomly assigned. Always happy to be part of a medical study I said yes. I got 2D.
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
194 Replies
- How can I match @kezmusc beautiful words. So true and awesome message. Here's to officially year 2 for you @kmakm definitely hope you find that sparkle of light. You have been there for all of us this last year and I know I have appreciated all the support, laughs and words of wisdom. Big Hugs xox
- @kezmusc What a magnificent message Kezza! Love it. Thank you! And if the lotto win emerges I'll be on my way up to you with the champers & choccies quick as a flash! :* K <3
- Woot! Woot....Yeehaw @kmakm.
My next year wishes for you lovely.
Glimmers of light that start to sparkle.
Moments of joy that multiply often.
Peace in your mind and healing in your soul.
That your roller coaster slows to a track without twisters.
That you have to take your shirt off less at the doctors :)
Wine, chocolates and winning the lotto.
And if all else fails.
Total sensory deprivation and back up drugs :blush:
Stay fabulous K.
Love ya.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo - @arpie Mentally slamming it hard!
@Sister Year 2 has a nice ring to it!
@Harvey1903 @Blossom1961
Thank you all. K xox - Wow. That has gone fast. You can close the door on that one now @kmakm ..... here’s to a better year ahead xx
- I can't believe that was 12 months ago @kmakm! Wow!!! That was a traumatic op and I'm so pleased that you're pleased with the results. You're a braver gal than me. Nice that you're now officially into Year 2.
- Terrific, onward and upward hopefully. I've followed your progress this last year, thanks for your honesty and input. Also my anniversary yesterday of NOT being told I had bc by gp. I was given a referral to go to Peter Mac. Naively, I thought it was inconclusive and needed more tests. Was in the surgeon's room 1 minute before the cancer word was said. Very big learning curve. J
- Definitely a time to celebrate @kmakm.
- Today is my last anniversary. This time a year ago I was on the table having a double mastectomy and reconstruction. As there turned out to be more previously unseen DCIS in one of my breasts, this is the day that I count as the day I became cancer free, NED, a survivor.
No one in my family will remember or mark it; they've not celebrated/commiserated any of the milestones with me. This is not a complaint, more of a way to illustrate why I post this here, why so many of us post here. Because we all get it. We support, console, cheer and weep together.
This anniversary has been on my mind more than I expected. This massive operation is unsettled in my mind, I have not finished processing it, I have flashbacks that unsettle and upset me.
However I have no regrets.
Thank you all who were 'there' with me before, during and after the 27th April, 2018. It was a difficult time and your support meant the world and helped me tremendously. It still does. K xox
CANCER FREE FOR 365 DAYS :) - 12 months since I finished my Rads! Woohoo! I had it at Port Macquarie for a month & stayed at the Rotary Lodge, for minimal costs, other than food & drink. They were terrific. The Cancer Clinic there is brilliant.
