Forum Discussion
Anniversary
Today is the first anniversary of my mammogram. I was pretty stony faced. Nine months before my sister had died from breast cancer and I was resentful of the inefficiency at the front desk, the pink positivity messages and images plastered everywhere, and the long wait, despite the fact I had an appointment. I was asked if I wanted to take part in a study comparing detection results between 2D and 3D mammograms. I'd be randomly assigned. Always happy to be part of a medical study I said yes. I got 2D.
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
194 Replies
- It'll be good when all of those firsts are forgotten!
- @"Kiwi Angel" Thank you. Good idea!
- @kmakm happy anniversary. I have been thinking about all mine the last few months. I’m just about at the anniversary of my first chemo - can’t believe where I was a year ago. Now I’m just a bloated, sweaty blob :|. U will have to go and get a mani and pedi to celebrate when the last of that nail goes. xoxoox
- Today is the first anniversary of my last chemo infusion. I'm very glad to have 12 months between that day and this. My nails are past the end of my fingers for the first time, and there is only one last bit of chemo damage left in my right toenail. The one that grew to replace the one that fell off. When that finally grows long enough to cut the damage out I'll have a little party in my head. With fireworks!
I plan to never remember this date again. Whoo hoo! - Thank you @kmakm, for the support you've given me and all of us.
- It was a year ago this week I joined the forum. Thank you lovely people, thank you all for the love, care, empathy, support, advice, wisdom and kindness. Especially those of you who were there in the early, desperate days.
I wish I'd never met you, but boy am I glad I did!
The biggest of hugs, K xox <3 <3 <3 - Thanks @Anne65 - apologies for the fright ..... yep, gearing up for the same in 4 weeks!! grrr
- @arpie Take two for Feb 25th!! At least you have now had your trial run with the traffic & your anxiety/nerves which SHOULD mean you will breeze through in a months time!! I must admit, my heart was in my mouth when I started reading your post & thought that "BUGGER etc" meant you got a bad result!! I am so relieved you only got dates mixed up & nice that it wasn't a total wasted of time & that you got to catch up with your family. xx
- And it is a lovely herb @arpie.
- Dill is a herb isn't it?
No you are just overly anxious, keen to get it over and done with!
Perhaps all this anxiety will put you in a more settled frame of mind for the 25 Feb appointment
Take care
