Forum Discussion
Anniversary
Today is the first anniversary of my mammogram. I was pretty stony faced. Nine months before my sister had died from breast cancer and I was resentful of the inefficiency at the front desk, the pink positivity messages and images plastered everywhere, and the long wait, despite the fact I had an appointment. I was asked if I wanted to take part in a study comparing detection results between 2D and 3D mammograms. I'd be randomly assigned. Always happy to be part of a medical study I said yes. I got 2D.
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
194 Replies
- Thanks guys - no the uke festival is Feb 8-9 ...... but it means I will miss 2 of our Retirement Home Gigs .... and the guys really rely on me being there - specially with the instrumentals! When I did the gig list for the year - Feb 25 was 'free'!! DUH!
I still can't work out how I got the wrong dates! I feel such a DILL.
haha ... yep - I had a bit of stress in the lead up to it - so hopefully got that all out of my system!! And plenty time now, to type my questions on the computer & print it, instead of expecting him to read my spider scrawl handwriting! - OH F*&^%NG hell that sucks Arpie....
- Ahhh @arpie I know you were worried about it. I agree with @kezmusc and hope you have used you anxiety up. Hope it's not the same time as your Uke Festival. xox
- Oh Arpie, that's awful. At least you got a nice dinner and that's a pretty tame F word LOL.
Maybe you used up all your scanxiety and wont' even think about it next month. :#
Hugs
xoxoxox - BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER ..... Am I allowed to use the “F” word?? FOG BRAIN??
SORRY!! Somehow, (don’t ask me how, cos I don’t know!!) I wrote down the wrong date AND the wrong month!! We drove down to Sydney yesterday in atrocious holiday weekend traffic ....
Luckily I rang the office at 9am this morning, to confirm, as I hadn’t received a text confirming it. NO they said ... it is Feb 25th ... the surgeon wasn’t even in the building on ANY Tuesday! At least we didn’t turn up to the office on the other side of Sydney! I couldn’t believe it.
I had a lovely meal with both my brothers and they partners last night, so all was not lost!
Drove home .... and checked my calendars (2018 and 2019 where all my appts were transferred from - one to the other) and today’s date was the only one I had ever written down ... so can’t work it out! DUH!
All that Scaniety for nothing!
Thank you you for your kind support messages ..... I’ll keep them for next month! - Best wishes, anniversaries make me shudder at the thought - pleased to read you've got company for your visit today - here's to a good outcome!
Take care - Good luck @arpie , I'm sure it will be fine even if emotional , you know you've come out the other side with lots of hard work . I had an rads oncologist appt on Friday & felt stupid as I didn't have any questions to ask 😳
Hugs xx - Thanks so much @Anne65... some great stuff there to go on. My SIL will come with me tomorrow, so feeling better about that.
Well done on all your your exercise programs!! I couldn’t run round the block to save myself, but could be out on the kayak for 6-8hrs!
Take care. Xxx - @arpie I know what you mean about the questions! Like @kitkatb said above, you think of them all once you have left!! Assuming you get a clean bill of health, I guess there wont be as many questions but what I did ask my surgeon was what should I do now to continue on giving myself the best chance of recovery & no re-occurrence. I am a mad keen exerciser so I asked what kind of exercise I should be doing. I run 10kms 3/week, walk 2/week, do the BCNA pilates DVD every day & also do strength exercises at home using hand weights to increase my bone density. You could ask about the benefits of seeing an exercise physiologist. When I attended a BCNA luncheon last year, there was an EP there who spoke to us about the benefits of exercise & she was brilliant. They can put a program in place for you which would lessen the chance of cancer returning. You could also ask about diet & if there are any foods you should be avoiding or including in your diet. I am currently doing a "Healthy Living after cancer" program run by Cancer Council SA. I have been doing it over the phone since March last year & it goes for 12 months. The program includes, weight management, diet & exercise & the ladies are wonderful to speak to over the phone & even though I consider myself to run an active, healthy lifestyle, i have learnt a lot from them & they have from me!! Hope this helps but if you have a chance to take someone or record the appointment, this will make sure you dont forget anything!! Good luck & try not to worry. Think of the strength you have shown through the past year & what you have endured...this appointment should be a breeze!! Love & hugs xxxx
- Thinking of you @arpie If you are anything like me you will remember the questions to ask once you get out. <3
