Hi @TripleTea I hope some of the comments here help you to settle your mind.
I too had a strange mindset at the start of my treatment.
I was diagnosed on 24th December and my GP gave me a referral and nothing else. By the end of the holidays I was in a state!
I didn't really realise until a month or two on that I was not looking to the future at all, I caught myself considering selling equipment I had bought to compete with my horse because I wasn't going to do it.
That was a big wake up call and I adjusted my outlook from then and instead made goals to work towards.
My cancer is Stage 2B Grade 2 hormone positive, so my treatment will be different from yours.
I was multi focal and multi centric and one of the sentinel nodes was cancerous, so risk of recurrence was high.
I have gone through 5months of Chemo and a single mastectomy and am now about to start radiation.
I have every intention of coming through this and getting on with life next year.
My Oncologist said at the beginning that this year will just be a hiccup in your life and my husband and I just focus on that saying.
It gets easier as you go through the treatment to realise that you are still here, and you are enduring the treatment and the effects and you are still recovering and moving forward.
If you find the thoughts are impacting your life too much and you are getting bogged down in them, the Cancer Centres and Cancer Council have psychologists who are experienced in just what you are going through and can help you get into a mindset you can work with.
The Breast Care nurses too can be an excellent help there, they also deal with the mental side of breast cancer as well as the physical and practical side, so try discussing it with your nurse, I found mine excellent at picking me up and straightening things out when I got into a mess of uncertainty.
Perhaps just set goals not too far into the future at first, like what you will do in the good weeks after chemo, or when you have finished it.
I found planning for bras after mastectomy and finding where to get them and cleaning out my cupboards, getting rid of things I can no longer wear very therapeutic.
At first I had to keep repeating a mantra that I would get through this, but now I am just comfortable with where I am. It seems to settle down as time goes on, especially as I get more information about what I am dealing with.
Hoping you can find a way to settle your mind soon, it sounds like you are just going through all the usual emotions.
