Goodbye, Mum
It's over. My beautiful Mum died on 14 December last year and I still can't believe I'm writing that... that it happened.
Life without her still seems incomprehensible!
She was in a lot of pain at the end, but eventually was sedated and medicated and slipped into a deep sleep. She died with my three brothers and Dad and I all standing around her bed with our hands on her, tears streaming down our faces, telling her we loved her. That brings me a lot of comfort - she was surrounded by love, love, love, and we were all together.
My heart is breaking.
In the end, the brain mets were making her say and do funny things, but I'm grateful my last conversation with her was about just her and I spending time together the next morning and having a coffee. Just us two girls, just like we've done since I was born!
Receiving her death certificate in the mail was hard, it said so plainly that she died from metastatic breast cancer, 17 months since diagnosis. I remembered back to that diagnosis day, how we were so shellshocked and afraid but she was so brave and determined!
I have a wealth of memories and a legacy of love from her. Sometimes I remember that and smile and cry. Sometimes I just miss her so much that there is no smiling, only crying.
It was the most beautiful funeral! It was a real celebration of Mum as a wonderful wife, a brilliant mum, a competitive spirit, an inspiring teacher, a humourous lady who loved a good giggle and someone who above all else loved her family. We were all proud of how we farewelled her. My brother arranged all the music, sang and played piano and it was so beautiful... another sang, my youngest brother carried the coffin out with my Dad and I gave the eulogy.
What can I say but that I love her. I have been profoundly affected by seeing her fight breast cancer and by seeing her die. I don't feel like a 'motherless daughter' like I thought I would, I feel like I have a wonderful Mum who is just not with me anymore. There are so many milestones that will break my heart to go through without her. There are so many ordinary moments that break my heart, too. There's a Winnie the Pooh quote that comes to mind... "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
