Just wondering how many people girls have told about their BC? I live and work in a small rural community and I'm a private person. I'm married with a great supportive hubby and two adult married children who live many hours away from us. My parents are supportive. Too but I want to shield them, they are too old to see me fall in a heap. We have told my family and perhaps 10 close friends. I have only told my sister in law, not the others yet. My mother in law has lung cancer & dementia, my 85 year oldfather in law is going for his hip replacement the week after my surgery. They have plenty to deal with. I plan to tell them when I have my results. I'd like some advice about this, I cringe at the thought of everyone knowing my business then at other times I feel very alone in this battle. I'm also a control freak !

Hi MaresW Glad you have connected to this wonderful support network. Like you, I was concerned about who needed to know about my bc. I felt extemely vulnerable and needed time to accept this big change in my life. I needed to make some sense of my diagnosis and treatment options first - and that took me a while! I also needed time to connect with my medical team - to listen, ask questions, clear up any confusion - and ultimately make my own decisions. So I kept things private (to my immediate family and a couple of girlfriends), mainly to protect myself, as I learnt to deal with my feelings and fears. I didn't want people to look at me differently, to suddenly expect the worst for me or treat me like a victim - just because of my bc diagnosis. It was hard enough dealing with my own expectations (without too much outside interference). Once I was ready to move forward, make decisions and take some control of my bc journey, I really felt informed and empowered. When I needed to be away from home and take time off work, I shared as much I needed to, with my boss and other employees, and kept things as simple(and non-scary!) as possible -I was having preventative treatment. Needless to say, I was lucky to have some very special people to support me - including my husband and my 84 year old Dad. I also gained a lot of hope, reassurance and comfort from my breast care nurse and from BCNA. As my journey continues - beyond treatment into into survivorship, I find I am now more ready to share my experiences than ever before. There is something nurturing and healing when you realise you are not alone with bc and your life isn't over - it's a new journey! Hope you keep in touch online.

I too only told those who needed to know in the beginning, and as time has passed some others, then others, etc. I don't have a large family nor a large "network" and wanted to deal with things in my own time. It was a relief in a way not to be responsible for everyone else's reactions to what was happening, so the "slowly, slowly" approach worked for me. As well as the above, the subject of other people's insensitivity has been raised in this forum many times, and I was initially feeling so raw emotionally that I shied away from the possibility of the "horror" stories that we hear from people who seem not to realise what they are saying when they over-share.That's not to say I wasn't sometimes shocked and hurt by insensitive comments. I think it is a purely personal decision to make when telling others, based on our personality type and our circumstances. I am largely OK with how I managed it, and how my family respected my wishes about passing on information to others.

Golly...I felt exactly the same way as you do now....I too live in a small rural town and being such a private person I only told close friends and family. The terrifying part for me was when I knew I was losing my hair from chemo and then felt like I had a flashing red light following me around, then there would be no way of hiding it! I too did not want the pity eyes at the school gate or comments at the post box in town.......being a bit of a control freak too, this is something I had little control over! I guess living in a small town allows news to travel fast so people will find out pretty quickly! I just decided I had to go with the flow and stop worrying about other peoples' opinions - mostly they have been supportive and helpful anyway. My parents are elderly too and live in the city.....I also pondered on whether to tell them or not due to their own problems - sadly my Mum passed away suddenly 2 days after my diagnosis and for a while I felt like I may have caused her extra stress by giving her my news (I've been reassured this was not the cause). I am now 4 months past finishing chemo and feeling strong - inside and out....I guess these feelings are all part of this experience and you will get through it! Good luck....Jenny x

I'm on the same page with all the ladies above.I've had bc twice and each time I waited until I knew the initial plan before I told family,friends and work colleagues.In other words,I knew I'd need surgery followed by whichever treatment was recommended.It also gave me a little time to get my head around it.I find most people are upset for you,want to hug you and want to know what will happen.We are all different and should go with our gut what feels right for us.I was honest and open about it and everyone just got used to the idea and treated me the same as always(in most cases).Sad as it is,I think breast cancer is becoming common place and everyone knows someone whose had it.If you have to have chemo then it may be harder to keep it secret. Best wishes for surgery. Tonya xx

Telling the world | BCNA Online Network

16 Replies

MaresW
Member
11 years ago
Thanks everyone for the great advice and support, I'm now at the stage where I don't care who knows!
MaresW
Member
11 years ago
Thanks everyone for the great advice and support, I'm now at the stage where I don't care who knows!
MaresW
Member
11 years ago
Thanks everyone for the great advice and support, I'm now at the stage where I don't care who knows!
KM_2075
Member
11 years ago
I recently told my family of the BC and my son told his class for news. So very quickly news spread to people I knew well and no so well. I have been overwhelmed by the genuine concern and offers to help and I am stengthened knowing the love and goodness in our community.

I must admit to practicing and saying aloud "I have breast cancer" in the privacy of my bathroom. I have my speal as to how I tell people. "I will get treatment, that will become clearer over time, I know in my heart that I will get through this stronger like so many women have done before me". It helped me control the situation by having a default script.

Many of my friends want to help. I now have a few things I ask for - play days for my kids, ask my husband out for a beer, I would love to have a coffee together after my surgery etc. I think people want to feel useful in supporting you once they know.

Good luck with your journey. It is your news to share of not share as you wish. Keep yourself strong and do things your way.
Chorsell
Member
11 years ago
It is entirely a personal choice I feel ... So do whatever feels right for you!!!! I am a bit out there so I am on the verge of putting it up on my Facebook page - I have told the key people in my life but I was thinking I could just post info once and it would minimize calls.... Some times I just get to a point where I don't want to talk about it - I figured I could post it once and be done with it!!! My niece was in Melbourne when she went through her treatment and it was an easy way for me to keep track of her progress and send messages ... My husband will disagree as he hates face book ... It is your choice and your decision - if anyone disagrees that's their problem not yours :-) Do what feels right!!! Hugs Chris
Chorsell
Member
11 years ago
It is entirely a personal choice I feel ... So do whatever feels right for you!!!! I am a bit out there so I am on the verge of putting it up on my Facebook page - I have told the key people in my life but I was thinking I could just post info once and it would minimize calls.... Some times I just get to a point where I don't want to talk about it - I figured I could post it once and be done with it!!! My niece was in Melbourne when she went through her treatment and it was an easy way for me to keep track of her progress and send messages ... My husband will disagree as he hates face book ... It is your choice and your decision - if anyone disagrees that's their problem not yours :-) Do what feels right!!! Hugs Chris
Robyn_W
Member
11 years ago
I'm a control freak too!! There's a lot of us out there! ;) I usually like a good chat,but this was so different for me.I told no one in the first month,only my husband and children,and one good friend.But as Donna said,it gets out there,and it gets easier.I definitely agree with Tonya when she says you should do what feels right for you.After my hair fell out ,everybody knew,but by then I was kind of used to it,and because I stayed away from crowded places most of the time,I managed to avoid a lot of people.I think that your idea of telling family after you get your results is a good one.Take care xoxRobyn
Robyn_W
Member
11 years ago
I'm a control freak too!! There's a lot of us out there! ;) I usually like a good chat,but this was so different for me.I told no one in the first month,only my husband and children,and one good friend.But as Donna said,it gets out there,and it gets easier.I definitely agree with Tonya when she says you should do what feels right for you.After my hair fell out ,everybody knew,but by then I was kind of used to it,and because I stayed away from crowded places most of the time,I managed to avoid a lot of people.I think that your idea of telling family after you get your results is a good one.Take care xoxRobyn
yetbeung
Member
11 years ago
I seem to be the odd one out here then...I was diagnosed on 1st Nov. last yr, that evening I put an album on facebook entitled, "My boobs are awesome and I love them!" in which I put a bunch of tasteful modelling photos that I had done over the years that either show or highlight my boobs...In the description of this album I told everyone that I had BC but didn't know what was required yet re: surgery / treatment. The response I got was 100% favourable, I didn't have any work mates on FB at the time, so I told them the following day in a spontaneous meeting. (Not showing boobs, of course! lol)

Doing the album made me happy and brought back lots of fun memories. I realise that it's not everyone's idea of a good idea, but at the time I didn't know if I would be able to keep my boobs (which I've always been fond of, and proud of!) but I came to the decision that if anyone had a problem with the boob pics, they were probably focussing on the wrong thing.

I figured there was no point hiding it, and I see no point in just telling a few people because news like that spreads. I've never covered my hair (or lack thereof) either. I told everyone as soon as I knew, that way any awkwardness is over and done with quickly, and people could get back to treating me like usual. If anyone asked a question that I couldn't or didn't want to answer, I'd just say "I'd rather not talk about cancer today" or "I don't know the answer to that one myself yet", and it seemed to do the trick.
mgndam1603
Member
11 years ago
I am a huge control freak, that was my biggest problem throughout my surgeries and treatment I kept trying to control a beast that was not to be controlled.

Initially I told my close family and friends a select few work people, as time goes on it gets out there. Unless you want to hide away you are going to see people at the supermarket amongst other places.

To be honest as time goes on it gets easier, try not to stress yourself and deal with it all one step at a time.

Donna