Goodbye, Mum

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RochelleAnne
RochelleAnne Member Posts: 14

It's over. My beautiful Mum died on 14 December last year and I still can't believe I'm writing that... that it happened.

Life without her still seems incomprehensible!

She was in a lot of pain at the end, but eventually was sedated and medicated and slipped into a deep sleep. She died with my three brothers and Dad and I all standing around her  bed with our hands on her, tears streaming down our faces, telling her we loved her. That brings me a lot of comfort - she was surrounded by love, love, love, and we were all together.

My heart is breaking.

In the end, the brain mets were making her say and do funny things, but I'm grateful my last conversation with her was about just her and I spending time together the next morning and having a coffee. Just us two girls, just like we've done since I was born!

Receiving her death certificate in the mail was hard, it said so plainly that she died from metastatic breast cancer, 17 months since diagnosis. I remembered back to that diagnosis day, how we were so shellshocked and afraid but she was so brave and determined!

I have a wealth of memories and a legacy of love from her. Sometimes I remember that and smile and cry. Sometimes I just miss her so much that there is no smiling, only crying.

It was the most beautiful funeral! It was a real celebration of Mum as a wonderful wife, a brilliant mum, a competitive spirit, an inspiring teacher, a humourous lady who loved a good giggle and someone who above all else loved her family. We were all proud of how we farewelled her. My brother arranged all the music, sang and played piano and it was so beautiful... another sang, my youngest brother carried the coffin out with my Dad and I gave the eulogy.

What can I say but that I love her. I have been profoundly affected by seeing her fight breast cancer and by seeing her die. I don't feel like a 'motherless daughter' like I thought I would, I feel like I have a wonderful Mum who is just not with me anymore. There are so many milestones that will break my heart to go through without her. There are so many ordinary moments that break my heart, too. There's a Winnie the Pooh quote that comes to mind... "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

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  • Robyn W
    Robyn W Member Posts: 1,932
    edited March 2015
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    Please allow me to say how sorry I am.I remember your last post,and I often wondered how you were doing.There is nothing I can say to make you feel any better,except that I lost my Mum when I was young like you.You WILL be OK,and you will have your Mum with you forever.I tell my own children about my Mum,and I teach them things that she taught me,and I always tell them what she used to say,and cook,and like...the list goes on. It does get easier RochelleAnne,just give it time.Sending you and your family love.From Robyn.xoxo
  • Sun
    Sun Member Posts: 64
    edited March 2015
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    Dear RocelleAnne

    Thank you for sharing your experience of your Mum's passing in such a beautiful post. I too lost my mother in 1981 to metastatic breast cancer that spread to her brain. I was 24 years old and had lost my father suddenly to a stroke at 18. In those days the family was not encouraged to say goodbyes as is the practice now. Thankfully, there has been a change. My siblings and I were reasonably young to have lost both parents and lived with a lot of grief that I'm sure would have been alleviated somewhat if we had been more involved with our parents deaths. Sadly, I too have metastatic breast cancer that spread to my bones and my liver in October 2012. I was first diagnosed at 50 years of age on my first mammogram. I was always told I didn't need mammograms earlier because my mother was post menopausal when first diagnosed. I've since found put that my maternal grandmother died of liver cancer but my oncologists feels the primary probably started in the breast. I have a 23 year old daughter and I know that she will also go through the pain of losing her mother long before she should.. Be gentle on yourself and take
    time with your grief. Do everything you can not to get this wretched disease.
    Sue, Elwood
  • Deanne
    Deanne Member Posts: 2,163
    edited March 2015
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    Thank-you for letting us know. I too remember your previous post and know that you did everthing you could to make your Mum's journey easier. Like Robyn says you will always have your memories and your Mum will be a part of your life forever. She may not be physically here with you but her spirit will always be there for you and your family. She sounds like a very special lady. My thoughts are with you and I hope that sharing your story has helped. Deanne xx
  • RochelleAnne
    RochelleAnne Member Posts: 14
    edited March 2015
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    Thank you Robyn W for your thoughts and love. It is so comforting to hear how you tell your children about your Mum and she continues to be part of your life and theirs. She is so much a part of me, and will be always x

  • RochelleAnne
    RochelleAnne Member Posts: 14
    edited March 2015
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    Sue, I am so sorry to learn both of your past losses and your current struggle with breast cancer. What a brave lady you are and your daughter is very lucky to have you, as I'm sure you are her. I am sending you so much love. Thank you for your kind words and also for your motherly reminder to do everything I can not to get breast cancer. Your care is so appreciated x

  • TonyaM
    TonyaM Member Posts: 2,836
    edited March 2015
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    I'm so sorry to hear about your mum.You did everything you could and must have been a great comfort to her.It's not easy watching someone you love slowly fade away.I'm caring for my mum who has liver cancer and I know her end is nearing.Like you,I can't imagine a world without my mum in it.I'm glad your mum was surrounded by love when she died and that her funeral was beautiful.Your family did her proud and I can tell your mum was an amazing lady because she raised an amazing daughter in you.Thinking of you at this sad time.  love Tonya xx

  • Hazel M
    Hazel M Member Posts: 708
    edited March 2015
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    Sorry to hear about your Mum, I lost my Mum to breast cancer when I was 15. There are so many things I wish she had of been here to see. Memories are wonderful things and you will have those to help console you. Time does heal, cherish those memories, my love to you and your family, 

    Love Hazel xx

  • Hazel M
    Hazel M Member Posts: 708
    edited March 2015
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    Sorry to hear about your Mum, I lost my Mum to breast cancer when I was 15. There are so many things I wish she had of been here to see. Memories are wonderful things and you will have those to help console you. Time does heal, cherish those memories, my love to you and your family, 

    Love Hazel xx

  • mum2jj
    mum2jj Member Posts: 4,331
    edited March 2015
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    I remember reading your previous post with awe. Thinking what an amazing young lady you were. I am so sorry for your loss. Your farewell to your Mum sounded beautiful, you obviously have a close family. I am sure your Mum would be so proud of you and took comfort knowing you would be there for each other.
    Sending you love.
    Paula x
  • Janey235
    Janey235 Member Posts: 1,206
    edited March 2015
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    Rochelle-Anne, I have tears streaming down my face reading your post. I know how hard it is to lose a parent, my father passing away when I was 29 and I still miss him every single day. He was an entertainer and I am fortunate that I have his records and I listen to his music and singing often. So my children know him through his music too.

    Your mother sounded like a wonderful lady and I just don't understand why this horrid thing has to happen to such beautiful people. It's so unfair.

    My heart is swelling with sympathy for you darling girl. But remember your mum is always alive in your heart. Her spirit lives on in you and your family. It does get easier And you will smile when you think of her more often than crying.

    Sending love and hugs Janey xxx

  • Janey235
    Janey235 Member Posts: 1,206
    edited March 2015
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    Rochelle-Anne, I have tears streaming down my face reading your post. I know how hard it is to lose a parent, my father passing away when I was 29 and I still miss him every single day. He was an entertainer and I am fortunate that I have his records and I listen to his music and singing often. So my children know him through his music too.

    Your mother sounded like a wonderful lady and I just don't understand why this horrid thing has to happen to such beautiful people. It's so unfair.

    My heart is swelling with sympathy for you darling girl. But remember your mum is always alive in your heart. Her spirit lives on in you and your family. It does get easier And you will smile when you think of her more often than crying.

    Sending love and hugs Janey xxx

  • NaturalBel
    NaturalBel Member Posts: 542
    edited March 2015
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    Life, isnt it so unexpected?  For some reason I just never imagined life to be as tough as it has been, and always back up that comment with, "Its not what goes wrong in life, its how I handle it!".  I still have so many people I love on the planet and out there, living, so I am truly grateful for that.  No words can ever soothe the grief of losing a parent, and I am yet to be there, my Mum had Breast Cancer at 55 and she just turned 75!  

    Last year, just after I finished my treatment for BC, my husbands best friend died, and he was only 42 and fit, and he lost some one who was as important in his life as I.  It is so random, and without reason, but we all truly can identify with the emotion of saying good bye forever, to the person some of us are the most closest to of all, their mother.

    I read you message and I know that you too have been lucky and had a wonderful time with you Mum, and those memories will stay for all time.  Only time will help you to pick up the pieces, and adjust.  Take care.  XX Bel

  • NaturalBel
    NaturalBel Member Posts: 542
    edited March 2015
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    Life, isnt it so unexpected?  For some reason I just never imagined life to be as tough as it has been, and always back up that comment with, "Its not what goes wrong in life, its how I handle it!".  I still have so many people I love on the planet and out there, living, so I am truly grateful for that.  No words can ever soothe the grief of losing a parent, and I am yet to be there, my Mum had Breast Cancer at 55 and she just turned 75!  

    Last year, just after I finished my treatment for BC, my husbands best friend died, and he was only 42 and fit, and he lost some one who was as important in his life as I.  It is so random, and without reason, but we all truly can identify with the emotion of saying good bye forever, to the person some of us are the most closest to of all, their mother.

    I read you message and I know that you too have been lucky and had a wonderful time with you Mum, and those memories will stay for all time.  Only time will help you to pick up the pieces, and adjust.  Take care.  XX Bel

  • Christine Marie
    Christine Marie Member Posts: 180
    edited March 2015
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    My heart really goes out to you & your family.. My lil sis died of cancer 2 years ago & her daughter is the same age as you & it is very hard for her at times as it will be for you. they were also very close...all I can say is thank God for memories & time does heal... Your mum will always be there but in a different way..take care love...big (((hugs)))Christine:) xox
  • Christine Marie
    Christine Marie Member Posts: 180
    edited March 2015
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    My heart really goes out to you & your family.. My lil sis died of cancer 2 years ago & her daughter is the same age as you & it is very hard for her at times as it will be for you. they were also very close...all I can say is thank God for memories & time does heal... Your mum will always be there but in a different way..take care love...big (((hugs)))Christine:) xox