A blue day.
Janey235
Member Posts: 1,206 ✭
Hi my Pink Sisters.
I am sitting out in the sun this morning reflecting on this past year. On a lovely day like this I should be happy. I thought I'd be well on the way to feeling 'normal' again by now but I don't. Guess I feel a bit depressed today and perhaps the last few days. I am so sick of being sore and so so tired all the time. My nightly needles hurt like hell and it really puts a dampener on my days no matter how 'up' I feel. The alarm goes off at 8.30pm and I just sink. The Femara I think is making my joints stiff and aching and it's hard to move after I've been still for a time. Hard to get out of bed. I wake up feeling like I've seized up. The rest of my toe nails are falling off so I can't wear open toed shoes. I'm uncomfortable wearing my normal clothes (usually jeans and Tshirts) because my tummy wound is still very sore. I'm unmotivated to do anything. I am feeling sorry for myself and I know I shouldn't be. I know there are a lot of people worse off than me but I can't help it right now. I'm just miserable. I woke up at 4am last night and just cried. I'm so frustrated with this whole business.
My Onc said last Wednesday at my review appt that things should settle down in 12 to 18 months. I was so upset at that because I've already gone through the worse year of my life. People have said to me "well next year you'll be fine" and I believed them but now I'm not so sure. It makes me shudder thinking I'll be on the Femara for 5 possibly 10 years. I want my quality of life back. My hair is growing back but it's totally grey. It's greyer than my 77 year old mother's. I'm not ready for that. I feel like what was left of my 'youth' has been snatched away and I'm old before my time.
Ladies I am writing to get this crap off my chest and somewhere in there I know I'll feel better soon but not now. It's sometimes hard to live up to others expectations. They expect me to be back to normal now enjoying my "time off work". They say the worse is behind me and maybe it is but I don't see clear light yet. I'm still in the tunnel. Sometimes I move closer to the end but then I'm pulled back a way. I guess it's that old saying "two steps forward one step back".
Thanks for listening.
Janey xxx
I am sitting out in the sun this morning reflecting on this past year. On a lovely day like this I should be happy. I thought I'd be well on the way to feeling 'normal' again by now but I don't. Guess I feel a bit depressed today and perhaps the last few days. I am so sick of being sore and so so tired all the time. My nightly needles hurt like hell and it really puts a dampener on my days no matter how 'up' I feel. The alarm goes off at 8.30pm and I just sink. The Femara I think is making my joints stiff and aching and it's hard to move after I've been still for a time. Hard to get out of bed. I wake up feeling like I've seized up. The rest of my toe nails are falling off so I can't wear open toed shoes. I'm uncomfortable wearing my normal clothes (usually jeans and Tshirts) because my tummy wound is still very sore. I'm unmotivated to do anything. I am feeling sorry for myself and I know I shouldn't be. I know there are a lot of people worse off than me but I can't help it right now. I'm just miserable. I woke up at 4am last night and just cried. I'm so frustrated with this whole business.
My Onc said last Wednesday at my review appt that things should settle down in 12 to 18 months. I was so upset at that because I've already gone through the worse year of my life. People have said to me "well next year you'll be fine" and I believed them but now I'm not so sure. It makes me shudder thinking I'll be on the Femara for 5 possibly 10 years. I want my quality of life back. My hair is growing back but it's totally grey. It's greyer than my 77 year old mother's. I'm not ready for that. I feel like what was left of my 'youth' has been snatched away and I'm old before my time.
Ladies I am writing to get this crap off my chest and somewhere in there I know I'll feel better soon but not now. It's sometimes hard to live up to others expectations. They expect me to be back to normal now enjoying my "time off work". They say the worse is behind me and maybe it is but I don't see clear light yet. I'm still in the tunnel. Sometimes I move closer to the end but then I'm pulled back a way. I guess it's that old saying "two steps forward one step back".
Thanks for listening.
Janey xxx
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Comments
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Big hugs. Sometimes we just hit the wall. You have been so brave, and always cheering others along, and if you need a melt down, just have one. We will catch you and pick you up again, and a good cry can do the world of good. Just remember, get through one day at a time, don't look too far ahead, just at the hill in front. You are a wonderful, strong, brave girl, and you will get through this. Sending you lots of love and big hugs. Michelle xxxx
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I feel your miserable pain. Just let yourself feel down sometimes. It's too hard to maintain cheerfulness when your legs are aching and you feel like you have been robbed of your healthy youth.
I coloured my hair when it was very short, and it made me feel more like myself. I know some people say not too, but what the hec, I did it anyway.
And you know what else, in just a few weeks ill be able to give you a great big hug in person......can't wait. In the meantime, cyber hugs and kisses
Louie0 -
Totally feel your pain. This journey is crap. You are so very right it is very much "two steps forward one step back or even two steps back and one forward" at times!
It's great that we have this blog to put down our feelings. You've been an inspiration to me as I've spent time reading your blogs waiting around at clinics and in the hospital. I'm only 2 months in to my journey and admire how far you've come. Keep going forward, you're doing so well and you are allowed to whinge and complain!
And just to make you laugh, try to visualise me now. I'm sitting in a pedicure chair, reading you blog while trying to disguise drainage bag tubing that keeps appearing from the side of my handbag!
Lots of hugs
Chris xx
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Hi Janey,
Like Robyn said, you are one of the ladies who has inspired me and made me feel better about my new diagnosis......I hope you realise how much you improve our thoughts by a simple comment or encouraging words!
Look up at your gorgeous Dad and blow him a kiss.....and good on you even for showing me it's ok to have a crappy day and the need to vent!
You really are an inspiration to us all...THANKYOU!
BIG HUG Jenny
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I'm sorry ladies. I feel a bit ashamed of posting this when there are so many with much bigger crosses to bear than me. I guess I'm tired and feeling sorry for myself. My soreness is getting me down but it's not too bad. Once the tightness and pain of the reconstruction settles down and I can get used to the joint aches I should be alright. My husband keeps reminding me that it's been only just on eight weeks since my surgery and to stop expecting miracles. As things are not moving fast enough for me perhaps I am expecting too much and I over do things. I'm sure it will be better once I can get around more easily. The only time I'm getting out of the house is to appointments. Because I've been rather dizzy with the blood thinners off and on I haven't been driving. Hope to get the all clear from my Haemotologist next week to drive. That will fix a lot of my self wallowing!
Thank you all for your encouragement and to let me have this rant. I can't begin to tell how much it means to me.
Love to you all
Janey xxx0 -
I'm sorry ladies. I feel a bit ashamed of posting this when there are so many with much bigger crosses to bear than me. I guess I'm tired and feeling sorry for myself. My soreness is getting me down but it's not too bad. Once the tightness and pain of the reconstruction settles down and I can get used to the joint aches I should be alright. My husband keeps reminding me that it's been only just on eight weeks since my surgery and to stop expecting miracles. As things are not moving fast enough for me perhaps I am expecting too much and I over do things. I'm sure it will be better once I can get around more easily. The only time I'm getting out of the house is to appointments. Because I've been rather dizzy with the blood thinners off and on I haven't been driving. Hope to get the all clear from my Haemotologist next week to drive. That will fix a lot of my self wallowing!
Thank you all for your encouragement and to let me have this rant. I can't begin to tell how much it means to me.
Love to you all
Janey xxx0 -
Lovely words Michelle. I will listen to my Dads song again and get my head right.
Love Janey xxx0 -
Can't wait to meet you in person Louie. Really looking forward to it.
Janey xxx0 -
Yes you made me smile. Fortunately I didn't have any drains coming home from hospital but I can imaging how it must be for you. I'd love to have a pedicure which was one of my treats, love the look of painted toenails. Oh well, guess I'll have to wait for them to grow back. Have to have patience don't we.
Love Janey xxx0 -
Had the tea and I feel better all ready Robyn. I have a small bottle of limoncello that my mum brought back from Italy and we will celebrate the end of this year with a drink at Christmas. That's like tea isn't it? LOL
Love to you
Janey xxx0 -
Aww Thanks Jenny. I'm looking at my Dad right now. Yes you're right it's okay to have a bad day. We all are human after all.
Love Janey xxx0 -
Janey
l am a newbie to the BCNA site but it is the sharing of the ups and down from everyone that helps me not feel alone - if that makes sense
Ladies in response have said it all but the one thing that I take from your posts is that it is ok to be both positive (which you are by helping others with responses) and then feel not so great...
I just wanted to thank you for sharing it really does help many and I do really hope that your bloods come back ok and that things improve day by day
I thing ranting and raving helps with the healing...I certainly have been tapping into my inner diva and I figure that people will understand....hugs to you and thank you for helping me
Elizebeth0 -
Sorry you are having a blue day. I think we keep ourselves going with this idea that one day we will be 'over' it and feel normal again. I remember the surgeon telling me that it would be 12 months before I would feel anywhere near normal.
I find now (I had my last chemo 19 Sept) that I have quite a lot of moments where I feel normal, until I look in the mirror. Then I see a mostly bald, patchy eyebrowed, eyelashless version of me! Definitely not the normal me! I feel that people treat me differently too. I am pretty sure they think I am older than before. I used to have people say that I did not look old enough to have grown up children. No one has said that since I lost my hair!
Every now and then it just gets too much to stay positive hanging out for that magical day when we will look and feel like we want to. You do start to wonder if it will ever happen.
One of the firemen that attended the fire at my sister's house yesterday turned out to be an old friend of my Dad. He told me that his wife had breast cancer at 47 like me. She had 6 months of chemo and 6 weeks of radiation also. She is now 65 and fitter than he is! He looked pretty fit to me, so I guess I'll hang onto that hope that one day in the future I will feel and look better too!
Sending a hug your way and keeping my fingers crossed that we all feel better soon.
Deanne xxxxxooooo0 -
You're right. It's hard to see myself as anything but a cancer patient when looking in the mirror. I used to have people say that to me too that I looked too young to have grown up children. Well I suppose that in ten years time they could not say that anymore to me anyway and this has just hastened it on. I will just have to suck it up that I am not the same as before and will never be. But that doesn't mean I will be worse and I will try and be better if I can. I owe it to myself and my family. It's just been a bit hard lately that's all. I will bounce back again.
Love Janey xxx0 -
I'm glad that I can let you know that we are all fragile at times so it's all right to be down. My husband just said the same thing to me. I will bounce back very soon. I'm not going to let this get me down for too long. I'd rather smile than cry.
Love Janey xxx0
