Forum Discussion

Janey235's avatar
Janey235
Member
12 years ago

A blue day.

Hi my Pink Sisters. I am sitting out in the sun this morning reflecting on this past year. On a lovely day like this I should be happy. I thought I'd be well on the way to feeling 'normal' again by now but I don't. Guess I feel a bit depressed today and perhaps the last few days. I am so sick of being sore and so so tired all the time. My nightly needles hurt like hell and it really puts a dampener on my days no matter how 'up' I feel. The alarm goes off at 8.30pm and I just sink. The Femara I think is making my joints stiff and aching and it's hard to move after I've been still for a time. Hard to get out of bed. I wake up feeling like I've seized up. The rest of my toe nails are falling off so I can't wear open toed shoes. I'm uncomfortable wearing my normal clothes (usually jeans and Tshirts) because my tummy wound is still very sore. I'm unmotivated to do anything. I am feeling sorry for myself and I know I shouldn't be. I know there are a lot of people worse off than me but I can't help it right now. I'm just miserable. I woke up at 4am last night and just cried. I'm so frustrated with this whole business. My Onc said last Wednesday at my review appt that things should settle down in 12 to 18 months. I was so upset at that because I've already gone through the worse year of my life. People have said to me "well next year you'll be fine" and I believed them but now I'm not so sure. It makes me shudder thinking I'll be on the Femara for 5 possibly 10 years. I want my quality of life back. My hair is growing back but it's totally grey. It's greyer than my 77 year old mother's. I'm not ready for that. I feel like what was left of my 'youth' has been snatched away and I'm old before my time. Ladies I am writing to get this crap off my chest and somewhere in there I know I'll feel better soon but not now. It's sometimes hard to live up to others expectations. They expect me to be back to normal now enjoying my "time off work". They say the worse is behind me and maybe it is but I don't see clear light yet. I'm still in the tunnel. Sometimes I move closer to the end but then I'm pulled back a way. I guess it's that old saying "two steps forward one step back". Thanks for listening. Janey xxx

32 Replies

  • mum2jj's avatar
    mum2jj
    Member
    12 years ago
    Glad you are feeling better. I agree, you are one beautiful, brave lady. Paula :)
  • Janey235's avatar
    Janey235
    Member
    12 years ago
    Just wanted to let you all know that your lovely comments have floated me to the top of the pit again and I feel pretty good. I spent today with my wonderful husband and the sun was shining and warm on this Melbourne Cup Day. We pottered in the garden (well he did, I just looked on mostly) and then we relaxed on our verandah. About the only time we went inside was to watch the cup. My horse in the office sweep was running in the top three for most of the race but sadly fell behind in the last moments. Exciting to watch anyway. Then my children came home from work (both had to work on cup day poor things) and we had a barbecue, yum! We are all still sitting on the verandah watching the light slowly fade away as the sun goes down just talking and laughing and being together. I am happy to be alive today. It's the simple things I love and I am focusing on them. Oh my husband just told me that the alarm has just gone off. Time for my needle! Oh well. Hope all of you had a great day today. Love Janey xxx
  • Janey235's avatar
    Janey235
    Member
    12 years ago
    No more amazing than all of us. We do what we have to do don't we. Janey x
  • Janey235's avatar
    Janey235
    Member
    12 years ago
    I think you are right. We do concentrate on getting through all the crap and thinking positive to keep our spirits up. But sometimes it's too much and we can't do it all the time. I am feeling better today though. Picking myself up from the bottom. Love Janey xxx
  • mum2jj's avatar
    mum2jj
    Member
    12 years ago
    Thought I had read your posts in triple neg group. You really have had it all thrown your way. You are one amazing lady. Hugs. Paula. :)
  • Janey235's avatar
    Janey235
    Member
    12 years ago
    Thanks I am hanging in there. Hugs back to you too. I actually had two different lumps, one was ER & HER2 + so had to go on Femara for that one and the other was TNBC. Janey xxx
  • Stemgirl's avatar
    Stemgirl
    Member
    12 years ago

    As far as I'm concerned 2013 officially sucks. You are a beautiful, strong person who has helped so many of us with your kindness and positive nature. You have been through so much, with your body recovering from Major surgery and chemo, and now on the various medications....be kind and gentle to yourself.

    I still have my major surgery to go through in 3 weeks, but I've been going through the various treatments since early April. I think the closer I come to fnishing it all, the worse my mental state of fatigue, grief and trauma. While we're in the depths of going through it, I think we tend to stay focussed and positive and put up the brave demeanor, but this starts to wear thin as the cumulative effects of everything before, takes its toll. Cry away and let your body grieve what's happened. Until we go through the motions of grief we can't start to heal mentally. A big hug to you, Janey. xx