Letter to my friends
To my friends,
To help you understand. I was determined to have more energy than I did. I tried to convince myself that I was thinking strait, and able to handle all of this, and didn’t need anyone. Wrong. I run out of energy all the time.
Thank you for your help. My body has changed first and now mind is following. I feel like I’ve lost my mind, memory and my sensibility. It will come back I hope but I will be different. I will never have the same sense of self. I’m going to try and embrace this. The old me was really great, the transformed me will be even better. Thank you for understanding.
Even though I was normally stubborn, confident and invincible I have finally found myself admitting that I am scared. Cancer is scary and incredibly confusing. The unknown is eating at me more than the disease itself. Distractions have been good, music and sleep. Tried reading through chemo and that was hard, so is watching TV, conversation, writing, and basically everything else. They call it chemo brain for a reason. Hopefully I will feel normal eventually. Just a new kind of normal I suppose. Thank you for just sitting.
My relationships have changed, all of them. Some are stronger and there not with the people I expected. The people I wanted to handle this well didn’t for a variety of reasons. Some of the reasons were selfish; some of them are innocent and completely circumstantial. All of them are forgivable because nobody prepares for cancer. Carrying bitterness and anger won’t help my recovery. Thank you for getting it.
People that love me have been scared too. I know that the friends that were built for this will be there when I get to the other side, and we will laugh together again. We will cry too.
There is a chance I might not make it. Just like there is a chance I will. I’m trying not to look at the stats. My fight is my own and there are too many factors to compare myself to others with the same cancer. No one wants me to think about death but I don’t have a choice. I have come to terms with this, but I’m going to beat it. My mental focus is far more powerful than any treatment they are throwing at me. Thank you for fighting with me.
The influx of interest in my seemingly fading life is overwhelming. I am grateful for every message, gift and visit. There are moments however when all this attention strangely makes me feel lonelier than I ever have in my life. Thank you for not giving up.
They have said I have a 70 % survival to 5 years and when my treatment is complete everyone will rejoice and return back to their lives. I on the other hand will constantly wonder if it is coming back. Hopefully this feeling will fade, but cancer will always be a part of me. It will define how I see the world.
I feel like the future is a funny thing to contemplate because the present is so very important. I hope I’ll be a more productive person and live my life better. I understand who truly loves me because they’re still around and I’m learning to let go of those that don’t “get “who I am now. I feel a little guilty for this, but I need to move on because I don’t have time to waste. The greatest gift cancer has given me is the understanding that I’m going to make the most of every second, be fearless again.
Love you always