HiI had a mastectomy and immediate reconstruction on breast that was prev radiated - I was aware of risk might fail and unfortuantely that has happened.'I am left with a mound with nipple and v confronting to look at as sort of collapsed on itself.My husband is really struggling with my appearance and cant bear to look at it.I think he has been in denial and now cant avoid fact.. he is quite angry and tells me is more that he is put off/disgusted by fact have put on weight(about 8kg) that fact have no breast.Does anyone know of a support group for partners/husbands or any ideas how I can support him? He is v resistant to counselling....:(

That’s great @dodg113, I really hope he goes to the psychologist with you. It’s actually quite necessary. This is a VERY tough road for everyone, and quite challenging and confronting too. Him being mean like that is most probably because of other underlying issues, but he obviously needs to get them sorted. For both your sakes, because continuing with that kind of behaviour in any relationship is not going to benefit anyone. Life is hard enough as it is. You are partners. As @Zoffiel said, let’s hope he really is one of the good ones and realises you are still you, that people are prone to changing but we should continue to love each other. And that is could happen to literally anyone. Also, he needs to be aesthetically perfect to complain about you 🤔. I know it’s probably hard having so many of us ‘attack’ your hubby, especially because you didn’t expect this from him. It’s hard to deal with the fact our partner seems to be turning against us, on top of everything else. But it’s not about judging him, and others. We’re all a little lost and scared sometimes, and act out of character. It’s about us offering support to you that sounds like you really need right now, and hoping he gets the support he obviously needs too. Good luck to you both, I hope the outcome is for everyone’s highest good 🤞♥️

I don't know how to respond to this @dodg113. I'm inclined to anger but I know that's not the answer. I'm sure there are support groups out there but he will have to make the move whether they are face-to-face or virtual. It does sound like you need support, too.

@dodg113 I've got a failed reconstruction too. It is really challenging. After a recurrence in 2016, I've stacked an extra 10 kg on an already 'generous' frame, so I get that as well.I was single when I had my first episode and I can tell you that dating was a pretty daunting experience. Despite being told that things were not pretty in the tit department, I still had a couple of rejections when the gentlemen concerned got their first eyeful of the mess. Thankfully I persisted and now have the sort of partner I wish I'd had years ago.My response to male queazinesss? 'I'd prefer you concentrated on what is going on between my ears rather than what is happening under my shirt.' Because that's what I want. I won't accept anything else. I might add that with one notable exception the failed suitors where not exactly perfect physical specimens either. Everyone--male, female, young, old, beautiful or not -- is one fraction of a second away from a life changing disfigurement or loss of function. Something men need to consider since so many of them find their dicks stop working properly in later life :)We can't get our old lives back and it's pointlessly cruel to suggest we have failed because of that. No-one choses this shit. Ultimately, it's up to him to decide what he can, or can't, tolerate; we all know the feeling of pointlessly thrashing around in a state of denial. Those of robust character get over it, let's hope he's one of the good ones. Even though a few of us would probable give him a swift kick up the bum at the moment. MXX

@dodg113 If there's one thing I have learnt from this, it's that it's important to consider yourself first, physically and emotionally. I'm not very good at it and I know that there's more I should do if I could. As much as you love your husband, this is not about him. You have a right to be respected as a person who has gone through a massive trauma. Okay, he has too but only at a remove, and whether he his suffering because he can't "fix it" is irrelevant to how he addresses you. This is not to disparage him (which I would have done when I first replied) - I hope that he is able to get some help to deal with his emotions. None of us are 20 and unbelievably gorgeous anymore and many of us carry significant scars. As we age, these will become more prevalent for both parties in a relationship. That is life. We all deserve for our partner to appreciate us for who we are, not what we look like. I do hope that you can work it out and that you take care of yourself.

Hi @dodg113 I can understand him not being able to deal with the fact you got breast cancer and being scared by it all. That’s a normal reaction. But I understand you more. And what you don’t need right now is to be told that you’re unattractive, especially after having gone through so much heavy surgery. You didn’t choose to have bc, you didn’t choose to need surgery, and you didn’t choose to put on weight (8kgs is not a lot btw!!!). Nobody does. Shit happens. You deal with it. And you’re dealing with it remarkably well. You already had a long reconstruction to try and look as normal as possible again. If you ask me, you’ve done fantastically well. It is a massive bummer that the recon didn’t work, and I really feel for you, as it’s really unfair. So now you need to be treated like a queen and pampered all the time. You’ve been through the worst ordeal. Throw yourself into self care and self love. As for your hubby, I think he needs reminding of all this, and a really big reality check. Cancer is hard to deal with, that’s why there are psychologists for all involved. If he’s not into counselling, then he can find a support group for partners. But in my humble opinion, under no circumstances are you the one who should be supporting him. It should be reversed. HE really needs to support YOU, especially now!!! That’s what marriage should be about. I’m not sure he has any clue of everything you’ve been through and still are. My partner just told me 2 days ago that it’s my choice whether I want to have implants put in, or just go flat. He would support me no matter what. And my love handles are no problem either. That’s the kind of support you need right now, so please support yourself in finding it. Whether that means surrounding yourself with family, such as siblings, cousins etc, that will tell you how beautiful you still are, or taking a little break fromhubby for a while if he refuses counselling for it, please do it. Sorry if I sound blunt, but I’m a little stunned at your situation. Beauty should never be just about physical appearance. We are humans, not dolls. We don’t know what can happen to any of us, that’s why we need to have people around us we can count on in situations like these. And atm, sounds like you’re going into minus. I know your hubby doesn’t mean it, he’s prob not aware of how he’s coming off. But that’s why he needs serious counselling. If he doesn’t want it, this shouldn’t be your problem. I’m so sorry honey, I really hope this sorts out for you. You sound so lovey. All the best 🍀♥️

husband not coping with my physical appearance since failed reconstruction

31 Replies

primek
Member
5 years ago
I was going to suggest wearing a pretty nightie if nudity makes you uncomfortable. My weight has fluctuated widely since breast cancer and I struggle keeping it down. It doesn't bother my husband but does me. My recon was not a failure but when I gain weight now I just get side boob rather than bigger boobs which I loathe. I personally avoid mirrors when naked and just try to dress so I feel feminine. I'll never know I guess if I would have had such weight problems without bc but looking at my siblings it was likely to have happened regardless.
They were cruel comments and I doubt his body is the same as when you married him also.
Hopefully you can forgive and forget (I doubt I ever could) and remain happy together.
June1952
Member
5 years ago
Sometimes I think my body resembles a rough patchwork quilt from so many BC and other surgeries over the years - then I remind myself:
arpie
Member
5 years ago
I had 5 days in the Snowy Mountains 18 months ago with hubby and my brother and SIL ... it was lovely. They have chalets/houses in ALL states ... jump on and check out which one would suit you. You usually only have to take clothes and food! Xx
dodg113
Member
5 years ago

great ,thanks!!! didn't know of Otis foundation sounds fabulous!
@Zoffiel thank you for sharing - sounds like a really hard situation.
I see a pain specialist as got severe nerve damage pain from radiotherapy - he literally saved my life from pain point of view...life just sucks sometimes :(
FLClover
Member
5 years ago
Great great suggestion @arpie! 👌🏻
@dodg113 get yourself on the list. I just came back from a week away. All you have to do is visit the website and fill out a short form. There may be a short wait but it’s worth it, and a free holiday is always welcome 👌🏻☺️
TonyaM
Member
5 years ago
Hi @dodg113, sounds like progress!
@Zoffiel,I just love your posts- you tell it like it is! You are articulate,honest and funny(in a dark sort of way)
FLClover
Member
5 years ago
Great work @dodg113, very happy to hear that 😃😁☺️🥰.
(He might’ve gotten scared at the thought of a crowd of half boobless and half reconstructed-with-bricks, and very angry women running after him with pitchforks 😂😂. Sorry, trying to see funny side, what else can we do 🤷🏼‍♀️)
arpie
Member
5 years ago
@dodg113. .... Great to hear!! Onwards and upwards!!

Maybe contact Otis Foundation and see if you can arrange a break for you and your Besties or family ... a week away with the girls/family for fun and laughter - the best medicine ever. xx

https://www.otisfoundation.org.au/
dodg113
Member
5 years ago
thanks everyone
I just needed to vent, things much better - had good "roll in the hay" last night and for first time hubbie actually touched the failed recon side so i think a big step for him.also had a chat w him regarding fact that will not have any surgery for next year which he agrees with and is more accepting of fact am lopsided for at least 12 months...
really good to know all that support out there - i have good group of girlfriends but they all also a bit burnt out and only 1 has had breast ca and she has no partner...
Flaneuse
Member
5 years ago
@dodg113 Terribly challenging situation for you. I don't have any suggestions other than what the other girls have said, but sending you virtual hug.