husband not coping with my physical appearance since failed reconstruction

dodg113 Member Posts: 53
I had a mastectomy and immediate reconstruction on breast that was prev radiated - I was aware of risk might fail and  unfortuantely that has happened.
'I am left with a mound with nipple and v confronting to look at as sort of collapsed on itself.
My husband is really struggling with my appearance and cant bear to look at it.
I think he has been in denial  and now cant avoid fact.. he is quite angry and tells me is more that he is put off/disgusted by fact have put on weight(about 8kg) that fact have no breast.
Does anyone know of a support group for partners/husbands or any ideas how I can support him? 
He is v resistant to counselling....:(


  • Sister
    Sister Member Posts: 4,960
    I don't know how to respond to this @dodg113.  I'm inclined to anger but I know that's not the answer.  I'm sure there are support groups out there but he will have to make the move whether they are face-to-face or virtual.  It does sound like you need support, too.
  • MicheleR
    MicheleR Member Posts: 343
    Try the cancer council? 
  • FLClover
    FLClover Member Posts: 1,544
    @dodg113 I wrote you a really long (sorry) response but for some reason it disappeared. Apparently needed to be approved first. 
    Anyway, it was along the lines of: you should be the one getting all the support right now. You did everything you could to get rid of the cancer and try to look ‘normal’ again by enduring a very long and painful reconstruction. It didn’t work, and that’s not your fault. You actually need even more support because of that. 
    None of this was your choice, and life happens. Spouses are supposed to be there for each other in these difficult situations. People change, they put on weight etc, this is normal. You should still be beautiful in his eyes. 
    I understand this is hard on him too, and he probably doesn’t mean it in a mean way. But that’s why there’s psychologists available for everyone involved. If he doesn’t want to see one, that’s his problem, not yours. Please support yourself in getting the support you really need right now. 
    You sound like such a lovely lady. I really hope you start getting the love and support you need and deserve ♥️♥️♥️
  • TonyaM
    TonyaM Member Posts: 2,836
    Hi dodg113,
    BCNA have a resource booklet for men called’how can I fix it’(or similar title) You could ring and have it posted out? I think we all adjust in our own way and time.When I had my mastectomy, I preferred to cover up in bed and not let my husband see or touch my scar.I felt more comfortable that way and he was ok with that. We’ve been married for 41yrs and he loves me no matter what.I guess I’d feel pretty hurt if he was reacting like your husband.But perhaps he needs more time to adjust?I’m sorry your recon didn’t work out as planned- such a difficult time for you.Tell your husband you need his support more than ever and keep communicating together.
  • Caz1
    Caz1 Member Posts: 382
    @dodg113, oh Honey I feel for you. I totally second what @FLClover says.
    You are beautiful and lovely with and without boobs and don’t deserve this BS. 
    Sending love and a million hugs to you
     Caz xxxxx
  • Dory65
    Dory65 Member Posts: 323
    Hey @Zoffiel,
    where/how did you find your current evolved partner? I've been single for too many any dating tips? ;)
  • dodg113
    dodg113 Member Posts: 53
    thank you everyone.It has been good getting "outsiders" viewpoint as  agree I am prob being too generous to him - but at same time really not fair what he said ..and is def not a perfect specimen - also bit fatter now than 26 yrs ago!!
    @Zoffiel - thank you ,what did you end up doing after failed recon - ? think we all had really high hopes that if this  recon worked then this year could put BC behind us in a way - but now thought of needing more surgery is too daunting - am not going to do anything for a year as my daughter starts yr 12 - too hard on all of us....
  • Dory65
    Dory65 Member Posts: 323
    Hi @dodg113,
    it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, and you seem to be putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own. What about you? Is there any chance you can take some time out just for yourself? I took myself off for two nights away on my own recently. Did a bit of tootling around the countryside doing what I wanted when I wanted. I had a good cry - without someone trying to stop me! Very cathartic. Get it all out. Sob. Scream. I stayed in a historic house converted into a boutique hotel. Note - "boutique" does not necessarily mean "luxury" - but it was interesting. <3
  • Zoffiel
    Zoffiel Member Posts: 3,373
    @Dory65, I bought him on the internet...

    @dodg113 I've had my implants replaced twice and have had more revisions and repositioning than I can count in the last 14 years. They are a tortured twist of gristle, scar tissue and mangled silicone and they HURT. 

    Before anyone suggests seeing another surgeon or fat grafting etc, thanks in advance, but please don't. I'm over it.

    The last episode, a wide excision and level three node clearance, more chemo and rads has left me a little jaded and the damage firmly beyond repair. So be it.