Still feeling discombobulated!

Spillsy

Hi everyone, 
I finished treatment, nov 2018, and tried to get my life back  2019, I feel like I take 2 steps forward then 2 back, and my the end of 2019 was feeling totally deflated again, fatigued, weight gain, unfit, constant dry mouth from radiotherapy, I think. Chemo fog and a reversion back into extreme introversion.
 I feel like I don’t belong anywhere, and feel so on the outside of friendships, have lost contact with lots of people, well, as I do hate being the cancer woman!
lots of people dropped off, and I find it so hard when I run into them, as I really can’t be bothered with small talk. 

Bloody cancer the gift that keeps on giving! 

Blossom1961

@Spillsy I recognise that feeling of not belonging. It is hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been there. We are just not the same person we used to be. Similar, yet different in many ways. It is hard to accept but we cannot change it. It takes a previously strong relationship to keep friendships. Look for those who accept who you are. Sure, you will probably lose a few along the way, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Sending big hugs as you navigate through. I finished active treatment at the same time as you and often wonder if there is an end.

primek

It takes time to pick up your life and regain your energy and feel part of things again.
Maybe in a few weeks look at an Encore program to get some fitness back.
I looked at my diet as I was carrying a lot of weight. Check out Michael Moseleys Fast800 and have a read. It's based on all the good stuff we really should be eating and the books  have some great easy recipe. Weirdly focussing on my health and fitness and not my illness gave me new things to talk about with others and basically gave me something else to think about than cancer and treatment. 

kezmusc

Hi @Spillsy,

Limbo land after treatment kind of takes you by surprise doesn't it? I really don't think any of us quite expected it. 
The first year after treatment is just some kind of cloudy fog to get through.  You aren't the same, but that doesn't mean it will stay that way forever.  Time continues to tick along and nothing stays the same.  Personally, I found the second year after treatment things started to move forward.  Year three, even better.  You may just end up liking the new you even more than the old one.
If I could say one thing that I wished I had realised a bit earlier it would be to actively seek out the good moments.  Even if they are brief, if you keep looking and take notice of them they start to add up.  A fleeting feeling of normality, a beautiful sunset, a family moment full of laughter, whatever it may be, just hold it for a bit longer than normal.  That all sounds a bit airy fairy for me, but I found it certainly worked and gave me a feeling of being a little more balanced and appreciative of the little things that I once would have not noticed or just taken for granted. These days, I hate wasting precious time feeling ho hum.
The small talk and listening to trivial problems takes a while to become somewhat normal again and not grind your gears, but it does.  Once cancer is a little futher to the back of your mind. That never goes either but you can lock it away faster.

Wear the cancer woman badge with pride beautiful lady. It is part of you now and you can't get rid of it. You've beaten it. Look how strong you were to get through all that shit.  

All the best lovely.
xoxoxoxox

kmakm

I'm still upended @Spillsy. I finished in May 2018. Since getting my antidepressant dose right in October 2019 I feel like I'm on firmer footing which is a big help. I'm also seeing a clinical psychologist regularly, and exercising (pilates and yoga) three to four times a week. Like @primek the latter has given me something good on which to focus, and you can achieve tangible results.

I still have a ways to go. This is not a quick process for many of us. You're not alone, hang in there. Big hug, K xox

TonyaM

From my experience (2 bouts of bc) it takes around 2yrs to feel confident in your health and get back some normality in life. You lose some friends but that’s ok because you meet other terrific women on your bc journey. 
After my 2nd bout of bc I went abit crazy and reinvented myself.Sick of feeling like the bc victim,I quit my job of 16yrs and then sold my house to downsize.Then my husband and I went on a trip to Europe.Now I’m not recommending you do all that but use this time to take stock and see if you need to make any  life changes. Good advice from primek to focus on your health and weight.Our bodies take a beating from all that bc treatment and we need to nurture ourselves.Most of us will never be quite the same again and that takes awhile to come to terms with.You are not alone.xx

iserbrown

Agree wholeheartedly on the focus of yourself and well being, physical and mental as you come to grips with where you are at.  Prior to my BC diagnosis I was in a good place, health and fitness had improved immensely and I had lost 15kgs.  What I did come to realise was that state of good place helped me through my BC journey.  Now I am on the other side of it and like most, niggling issues as a result of BC and treatment and unexpected surgery for something totally different, I have found that improving my health and well being is the priority and helps me to be me rather than the BC woman.
Yes I lost friends along the way but as they say

 

Although you maybe feeling as flat as a tack at present if you just take a little step forward then hopefully the one step forward, two steps backwards will subside and it will be steps forward

Take care and best wishes

Afraser

I had an easier time of it, as I was able to continue working during treatment and life for the first 12 months had a lot of ‘normality’. Nevertheless, after 12 months, I changed my job to a new, challenging one but on a 4 day week basis, started regularly going to the gym, philosophy classes and a local choir! A brush with cancer can bruise deep, it can daunt your energy and enthusiasm but it may also act as a trigger for doing new things, making new friends and re-evaluating what makes you happy. It surprised me to realise how little I thought about being happy - I certainly wasn’t unhappy before bc, far from it, but I place a higher value on some inner sense of contentment these days. Best wishes. 

Spillsy

Oh my gosh, 
what amazing, empathetic, and motivating responses, I love you women, you all get it totally and you know how to raise my spirits. 
Other people, I know, don’t understand, the turmoil and impact that cancer has on us. 

I have no idea who I am some days or what I want!
I worked all through my treatment, with a bit of time off here and there, it certainly keep me ‘ normal’ but last year , I struggled with the ‘ you are all done now’  sentiments from friends and family as though it was a bad case of flu. 

I will set myself some Small achievable goals this year, and rejoice in the great things I will do!
The losing ‘ friends ‘ hurts but I    

Know that I didn’t do anything wrong... they chose to lose contact with me when I needed people the most! 
thank u you have given me food for thought and motivation to get out of my slump. 
Cx 

Nefertari

@Spillsy, I hear you!  I only stopped treatment (radiation) in August 2019 and the specialist appts in December 2019.  I am still navigating my way in this new world, I feel lost sometimes and like a misfit. 
At the end of treatment, I felt so different to the old me that I was sure I was losing my mind, I kept withdrawing and was introverted for the first time in my life I think! Frankly it was scary.

I lost a few friends along this path - not bothered, gained a few new ones from Breast Clinic - awesome ladies, so grateful to have found them.

I have taken the advice from the previous posters about concentrating on my diet, I lost 14 kgs during treatment and everyone keeps negatively commenting but Im just eating better and less, would like to put on a couple of kilo especially on my skinny legs lol but maybe later.

I cherish the good days or moments when I feel like a normal person and some days they just aren't there.  I put myself first a lot now which took a bit of getting used to.
 
I think it will be a slow process, I still slide down into dark places but with the help of a great pyschologist and the ladies on this forum, I feel much more at peace and seem to get through those times better.  

I hope things pick up for you soon, know that we are all cheering you on xx

PV123

@Spillsy
i was diagnosed late 2019 and I am currently undergoing chemo. I still have radiation and one year of Herceptin to get through but I can totally understand your feelings.  My best friend is very stressed by my cancer and has stopped communicating with me.  I don’t like going out because I feel everyone looks at me with pity because they know I have cancer due to my hair loss, and that makes me more depressed than my actual treatment.
Like you @Spillsy, I am also constantly amazed how wonderful and supportive everyone on this network is, so many of you have finished active treatment but you are still logging on and offering advice and support to others. I feel like I have another online family. 

Thank you to all the wonderful women on this network.

Afraser

Everyone should make their own choices but one of the reasons I bought a wig was to stop being immediately identified as a ‘cancer victim’, a term I loathe, because of hair loss. I’m not much for ‘cancer battler’ either! I looked perfectly well through treatment otherwise and while I was happy to tell friends and colleagues, I wanted the option to
tell or not. There are hair libraries available so you can try one out at little/no cost. It just might help. Best wishes. 

arpie

Great word, @Spillsy - Discombobulated!   I reckon everyone here can fully understand your emotions.

The first year, we are kept so busy with all the appointments and treatments that you don’t have time to even scratch yourself, and your friends and family are (hopefully) usually supportive .... but then that support drops off (except for your buddies who’ve been thru it and know how it feels!)

2nd year ... and you feel a bit abandoned, I think as well as a tad wary to ‘be happy again’?.  Yep, I’ve whacked on a good 5kg in weight, but can’t be bothered with extra exercising to get it off .... I didn’t send Xmas cards out for 2 years as I was going thru biopsies both times and seriously couldn’t be bothered, so sent them out this year (well, emails to most!) explaining my silence.  

I am lucky in having 2 ‘passions’ that keep me busy... what are your hobbies?  Are there any groups in town that you can join to share your love of that hobby?  This in turn will create new friendships, who don’t have to know your BC history, unless you want to share it with them. 

Small steps, deep breaths, maybe try something ‘totally new’ (I recommend ukulele! ) I can send you any songs you like!

Take care ... all the best xx

PV123

Thank you @Afraser
i will think about buying a wig, I would like to go back to work but I dread being pitied so a wig will solve that problem.  Did you find the wig itchy, specially in summer.

Afraser

No I didn’t but I’m in Melbourne - it may be different in northern parts of Australia with higher humidity. I got a synthetic wig - cheaper and lighter than real hair, and much easier to look after. Wash, shake, dry on a stand and comb! No styling required. Also you may really never want to look at it again after your hair grows back☺️. While everyone at work knew I was wearing one, it was really a two hour wonder! Then everyone forgot about it. People who didn’t know, didn’t know. I bought mine at a cancer/alopaecia specialist rather than online as I found a fitting helpful, I’d never worn a wig before. But it’s mostly pretty straightforward, mine required a tiny stitch inside for a perfect fit and when my hair started to grow back, taking out that little tuck meant it fitted well until my hair was long enough to go wig-less. Best wishes.

Spillsy

Hi everyone, 
I went to a paint and sip evening last night, and it was the best therapy. 

This was my effort of ‘ Picasso’ dove in a Van Gogh style... as the artist teacher put it! Everyone else’s was all smooth colours and tones, so I reckon this was my discombobulated version