The wheels fell off my rollercoaster.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a bout of the blues but the last week sure sorted that out. The worst one since a month after starting Tamoxifen round 1.

I’ve been coasting along quite well for a number of months. My head has been in a good space (or so I thought).  The aches and pains are easing off a bit.  Sleep is not too bad mostly.  Hot flushes are down to annoying rather than atomic (unless I am working in the sun). The other side effects I have been  ignoring because I am tired of thinking about them.  Go with the flow and just let everything bounce off.

I’ve been sticking to my “say yes to all invitations” thing, so camping, catching up with friends once a month for dinner etc etc.

No scanxiety through the last two MRI’s, (excluding the cake incident but that was pissed off not upset) CT, another u/sound last Thursday and they throw in a surprise mammogram for good measure. Go through the motions, wait for the results, repeat in 3 months.

It’s been six months since I shed one tear over this shit fight or anything at all really.  I decided that nothing that wasn’t a tragedy was going to bother me anymore. Life’s too short right? Yep, got it under control.


So WTF went wrong?????????????

 A series of unfortunate events appear to have created a landslide.

The start is just a mix of stuff from lack of work (please, please rain) and money; to muttering FFS whilst picking up everyone's crap around the house and thinking about the mountain of maintenance the farm needs and no funds to do it.  I lost my referral for the u/sound and had to chase up the BCN for another one the day before etc etc etc......Everyday normal stuff right?

I went to training at work for another section of the new digital system and had a complete brain malfunction.  Apparently, it doesn’t want to work this day. I take nothing in and am still none the wiser.  It’s ok, don’t worry, they will give you another training session. Come on brain, get back on board. Screw you HT.!  FTS

  So far I am keeping my shit together, but I can feel the slide starting. Ok do something for yourself. What?  I cannot think of one thing that I really want to do.  What will make you happy right now? Apart from winning the lotto I can't answer that question. Then it hit's me, I have done nothing for myself in months and I have no idea what is going to make me happy.  Zero excitement.

In the words of Pink Floyd, I had become comfortably numb.

I've given up trying to learn the guitar because daily life got in the way, I sucked at it anyway and my wrists started to ache. So I am feeling pretty restless and agitated by now.  I've slid back into normal boring habits.  That was not going to happen! I was going to do differnt things.

Even my "say yes to everything" has been nothing of my choice. Apart from dinner with friends which I enjoy.  I go camping because everyone else likes it, they've got me going to the Birdsville races, which is kind of cool but I hate road trips and I have enough, dust, dirt, horses, flies and critters here, plus it's a fucking logistical nightmare to leave this place. Oh, and guess who will have to organise everything?

All our girls went out the other night and we decided to take advantage of that and have a romantic night together.  Hubby was trying to make me feel better. 

Well, that side of things is like a disappointing birthday party these days so that was it. There was no coming back from the pitty party then. 

Sad, tears and cloudy fog of doom for the week.  I even banned myself from wine, and when that happens the world is about to stop turning or I know it's going to be a really bad idea to go down that road.

Thanks for listening lovelies.

Feeling better now.

xoxoxoxo







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Comments

  • lrb_03lrb_03 Member Posts: 992
    Ah, @kezmusc. I'm sorry to hear all that. It's never just one thing though, is it? It's usually that cascade of smaller things that suddenly get on top of us.
    You're so right about taking the time to do things just for yous own pleasure. Even I, with no kids or dependants feel guilty about doing that
    Glad you feel better after getting it all written
    Take care of yourself
  • kmakmkmakm MelbourneMember Posts: 6,838
    PMing you now.
  • Blossom1961Blossom1961 VicMember Posts: 920
    @kezmusc Big hugs lovely lady. Shame we can’t all go on a cruise somewhere together. I can just see fifty to a hundred of us rolling around the decks. The poor crew wouldn’t know what hit them! We could all buy ukuleles and get, I think it is Arpie, to teach. We would have a whole section of the ship to ourselves. Alas, we are stuck at home wondering what hit us. I do love a good dream though. xxx
  • arpiearpie Mid North Coast, NSWMember Posts: 2,509
    oooohhhh @kezmusc    :(   Damn!   I am So sorry to hear you have the Glums just now.  Hoping you feel better soon  

    Hmmmm - instead of a Guitar (big & uncomfortable ....)  maybe try a Ukulele  (small and manageable!)  Most music shops stock a wide range ..... Aldi actually have a 'cigar box' one available the other week (down to $20 this week!!) that could be fun to start off with if you can find one ..... I can send you some tips on playing (they use the same chord shapes as Guitar - but have different 'names'!)  I have THOUSANDS of uke songs on file and can send any you want to you!  

    Maybe just have 1 wine ..... it may help xx   thinking of you big time xx   Hugs coming your way
  • iserbrowniserbrown Regional VictoriaMember Posts: 3,377
    Your dilemma reminds me of the song The Wheels on the bus go round and round!
    The ordinary every day with all it's inherent dilemmas
    Here's to a damn good downpour of rain! The smell of rain on parched earth certainly brings a smile.
    Can't advocate for a tear as that's not happened here, just some cussing quietly!
    When I am hurting or have a problem I need to sort out in my head I get lost in the kitchen and cook!  Freezer is well stocked at times.
    A hobby you haven't picked up for ages or a saddle that needs a bit of TLC or a soak in the bath
    Find half hour for self 
    Hopefully this is just a glitch 
    Sending you a virtual hug 
    Take care
  • primekprimek Broken HillMember Posts: 4,860
    edited March 9
    We all get the blues and it can be hard to get out of. I have a saying...rest, retreat...recover...then up you get and move forward. I've been battling the blues myself for months and I've just got to the point where I think...I'm done with this...so on I go...it's amazing how a mindset shift can change it. I'm still tired. I still have pain. I'm still overweight. But I'm back to believing it will get better again. I'm focusing on nourishing foods. I'm  moving a bit more again and sleep is slightly better thanks to work on sleep hygiene (regular times, no late screens, panadol for pain.)

    If you get stuck though...talking through  it just might help lovely.

    Kath x
  • ZoffielZoffiel Regional VictoriaMember Posts: 2,649
    Shit storms when you need a rainstorm. Just plain old rain. Yep.
    Fuck the races; I'd go if I had a TARDIS but I grew out of endless road trips to drunken destinations a while ago. I don't know what would make me happy now. Maybe not being both poor and miserable. One or the other is manageable, but both at once?. Rain would help. I think I already said that. Hang in there chick. MXX
  • kmakmkmakm MelbourneMember Posts: 6,838
    @kezmusc can show me many things @Annie C, put how to pitch a tent will not be one of them...!
  • AfraserAfraser MelbourneMember Posts: 2,227
    Ah what an idyllic daydream @Annie C! 

    The blues can be hard to shake off, particularly when we are often prone to going over and over the things that give us grief in our heads. Instead of letting them go and concentrating on the things that will give us pleasure or satisfaction. Nursing our wrath to keep it warm, as the Scottish bard put it.

    Deep breathing helps. So does literally blowing out the crappy stuff when you exhale. Oxygen in, 2,3,4. Rubbish out 2,3,4. Repeat until feeling better. 
  • iserbrowniserbrown Regional VictoriaMember Posts: 3,377
    Pitching a tent is easy peasey! I guess it's the rest of it you're not too thrilled about, full.moon rising et cetera
    Not everyone's cup of tea

    Back to nature with basic creature comforts, fridge, kettle, camp stove, decent chair, log to put the feet on, river to watch and the knitting and I'm set
  • SisterSister Adelaide Hills, SAMember Posts: 3,865
    @kezmusc I feel your pain - it all just gets on top of you sometimes and I don't think we have the same resilience that we did.

    I'm shit at guitar, too.  I started teaching myself a few years ago then stopped when life got busy.  Tried again last year at the end of chemo and cried because I couldn't hold the picture of a chord in my head for 2 seconds and putting my arm over the box was really uncomfortable.  Enter @arpie with her ukeleles!  I'm still crap but I can have fun without the pain (and remember the chords for the whole session and even maybe, for next time).  And they're even fashionable these days.  My son just bought an electric guitar and I had some fun on that last night - before you know it - ROCK GODDESS!  

    Seriously, I do hope that you continue back to the light.  Saying yes to things is good but maybe you need to find some quiet space and think about what you would like others to say yes to.  Or maybe, the quiet space is what you need.  Easy said, I know.  Unfortunately, I can't suggest much about the rain or the money - both MIA here, too.

    Take care
  • DearBDearB Member Posts: 205
    Oh @kezmusc sorry to read your post.   If people are serious about a cruise they do some Melbourne that literally just do 3 or four nights and go no where we are doing one in 2020 lol and it works out cheaper or same price as camping 🏕    Po leave from Melbourne let’s do one 
  • kitkatbkitkatb Member Posts: 349
    edited March 9
    @kezmusc ;  This BC just keeps giving doesn't it.    I wish I had some wisdom but am trying to get out of that place myself.  Just wanted to give you a big virtual hug.  I read a good book the other day ( one of those fluffy ones when you can't be bothered with anything else ) it was by Nicky Pellegrino about a trip to Vienna.  The character decided to write down 10 things that really truly made her happy.  Not just the everyday stuff but what truly made her smile even thinking about it.  Interesting concept so did it myself which was a bit of an eye opener. Sometimes its just good to think of all the good things and put them into words as I know for myself I spend way to much time thinking in the negative since this BC shitfest started.  It will get better.  Also love @Blossom1961 idea of a cruise I can just picture it.  Yep and I would be with @arpie hanging a line out the back.    xox
  • kmakmkmakm MelbourneMember Posts: 6,838
    I've never done a cruise. Always wanted to give it a go. One of those smaller ship ones round the Mediterranean where you can get off and check out an Ancient Roman ruin or a Greek island for the day. I think I'd have to sell my house to afford it! There used to be an email that went round saying a lot of cruise ships had seniors living on them permanently as they'd worked out it was cheaper to live that way than in a aged care facility. Wonder if it's true...
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