The wheels fell off my rollercoaster.
It’s been a while since I’ve had a bout of the blues but the last week sure sorted that out. The worst one since a month after starting Tamoxifen round 1.
I’ve been coasting along quite well for a number of months. My head has been in a good space (or so I thought). The aches and pains are easing off a bit. Sleep is not too bad mostly. Hot flushes are down to annoying rather than atomic (unless I am working in the sun). The other side effects I have been ignoring because I am tired of thinking about them. Go with the flow and just let everything bounce off.
I’ve been sticking to my “say yes to all invitations” thing, so camping, catching up with friends once a month for dinner etc etc.
No scanxiety through the last two MRI’s, (excluding the cake incident but that was pissed off not upset) CT, another u/sound last Thursday and they throw in a surprise mammogram for good measure. Go through the motions, wait for the results, repeat in 3 months.
It’s been six months since I shed one tear over this shit fight or anything at all really. I decided that nothing that wasn’t a tragedy was going to bother me anymore. Life’s too short right? Yep, got it under control.
So WTF went wrong?????????????
A series of unfortunate events appear to have created a landslide.
The start is just a mix of stuff from lack of work (please, please rain) and money; to muttering FFS whilst picking up everyone's crap around the house and thinking about the mountain of maintenance the farm needs and no funds to do it. I lost my referral for the u/sound and had to chase up the BCN for another one the day before etc etc etc......Everyday normal stuff right?
I went to training at work for another section of the new digital system and had a complete brain malfunction. Apparently, it doesn’t want to work this day. I take nothing in and am still none the wiser. It’s ok, don’t worry, they will give you another training session. Come on brain, get back on board. Screw you HT.! FTS
So far I am keeping my shit together, but I can feel the slide starting. Ok do something for yourself. What? I cannot think of one thing that I really want to do. What will make you happy right now? Apart from winning the lotto I can't answer that question. Then it hit's me, I have done nothing for myself in months and I have no idea what is going to make me happy. Zero excitement.
In the words of Pink Floyd, I had become comfortably numb.
I've given up trying to learn the guitar because daily life got in the way, I sucked at it anyway and my wrists started to ache. So I am feeling pretty restless and agitated by now. I've slid back into normal boring habits. That was not going to happen! I was going to do differnt things.
Even my "say yes to everything" has been nothing of my choice. Apart from dinner with friends which I enjoy. I go camping because everyone else likes it, they've got me going to the Birdsville races, which is kind of cool but I hate road trips and I have enough, dust, dirt, horses, flies and critters here, plus it's a fucking logistical nightmare to leave this place. Oh, and guess who will have to organise everything?
All our girls went out the other night and we decided to take advantage of that and have a romantic night together. Hubby was trying to make me feel better.
Well, that side of things is like a disappointing birthday party these days so that was it. There was no coming back from the pitty party then.
Sad, tears and cloudy fog of doom for the week. I even banned myself from wine, and when that happens the world is about to stop turning or I know it's going to be a really bad idea to go down that road.
Thanks for listening lovelies.
Feeling better now.