What doesn’t kill you.........

Blossom1961

makes you stronger. All lies.

I used to be so strong it was scary. I didn’t even cry at funerals.

My Osteopath recently touched my hair and chuckled as he said it was like a duckling. So is the rest of me. Fragile. Cry at the thought of someone telling me off. Cry at the remembrance of painful procedures. 

Fortunately I do still have a sense of fight. Hopefully one day I will be able to better embrace this new personality. In the meantime, it is all a blur. 

Today I see the Oncologist and if she can sort out my painful leg muscle spasms I will be very grateful.

I am so glad I have you ladies (and a few men) to hang out with. You keep me grounded and focussed.
Thank you xxx

arpie

I think we can all relate to what you've said, @Blossom1961 ....  

In a way, it is like we've been belted around the head into submission .... we are changed people.

Keep that 'sense of fight' - it will help you along the way.  

I hope the oncologist can help with the spasm pains    

Take care  xxx

kezmusc

@Blossom1961,

This may be you at the moment lovely, but not forever.  Your strength will come back, some of these new raw emotions will stay close to the surface and the rest you will get back under control.  We've had a big slap of mortality thrown at us, apart from the rest of the shit fight, and it takes a while to regroup.

You have fought through this and will continue to do so.    Whatever doesn't kill you may not make you stronger, but it does give you some stong coping skills which will come out in the not too distant future and a pretty dark sense of humour LOL. 

You'll get there lovely. It's a long slog but you'll get you back with just a few modifications.

xoxoxoxo

Blossom1961

@arpie Exactly, I do feel like I have been belted into submission and that I have no rights.

@kezmusc That dark sense of humour often rears its beautiful head. I look forward to this coping skills

I think I am just having a pity party. Leg cramps, constipation, mastectomy, visit to ED with temperature too low, banged head into aviary door which resulted in a twisted torso. The leg cramps kept on getting brushed aside by all my medical team so after spending three hours a night for the past six weeks pacing the floor just to make it bearable, three nights ago I resorted to the Ibuprofen which worked wonders. My Onc today had a fit when I told her I have two, three times a night. She is now doing tests but it appears to be a delayed neuropathy from the taxane which finished end October. The things we have to do in order to be heard. She put me on Endone.

Blossom1961

My big girl panties are now right over my head and suffocating me. Plus, I am getting a wedgie! 🤪

Afraser

Your post reminded me of an entry in my diary nearly six years ago, when I was feeling totally fed up. Every little thing was conspiring to get me. The time it took to get the "spare parts" lined up before I headed out in a morning, the crusty nose, the to-ing and fro-ing, just everything. It helps to write it down!! Then my husband took me out to lunch, I caught up with an old colleague and got my breath again. As @kezmusc says, it does get better. And the modifications may seem like second nature by then. Best wishes.

Zoffiel

It may not make you stronger, but it sure makes you stranger. As if I wasn't strange enough to begin with; two separate tussles with this have left me distinctly peculiar

arpie

haha  I can relate to that, @Zoffiel!   

Blossom1961

@Zoffiel I am not sure my friends and family would cope with stranger than I already was. Good grief, my daughters friends loved coming over because “your mum is really DIFFERENT” My poor girls were horrified as kids, nowadays, as adults, they just roll their eyes.