How do you tell people and what do you tell ?????
H_M_A
Member Posts: 6 ✭
Diagnosed today with Stage 1 Cancer, and already had so much good advice from this forum, my brain hasn’t stopped and now have no idea how to tell family, friends, work - do you do a Facebook status / LinkedIn / twitter post .... do you call? .... should I wait ? Should I give them a link ? Will it upset them ? My poor husband is super upset but supportive and I’m lucky .... your advise and experience would be appreciated xx
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From the BCNA website where there's a wealth of information
https://www.bcna.org.au/understanding-breast-cancer/talking-to-family-and-friends/
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Hi @H_M_A ..... A tricky one, I know .....
Initially I only told close family (and not even all siblings - just the ones i thought would be supportive, as I seriously thought I only had cysts.) When the biopsy was positive - I expanded it to close friends. I would do a 'form email' with 'hidden names using 'BCC' " - as it is easier than typing or sending out individual emails to everyone. Let them know in that email that you may not be able to reply to them specifically.
Are you still working? If you have a surgery date, you will have to advise them - your surgeon will give you a timeframe for recovery ..... just the boss initially ... tho if you are working up to your surgery, you may feel like telling the others too.
Yes, it will upset them, but that is not your worry. You need to concentrate on YOUR problems, not theirs. Some will clam up & be unable to communicate with you - they may even shun you. They are unable to face their own mortality & rather than say something wrong, will not say anything! You will find support in unexpected people too!! Accept any offers of help, especially after surgery - be it cooking some meals for you, mowing your grass or whatever - it is a win/win - they feel useful & it IS useful for you xxx
Just take one day at a time & do what you have to do to get you thru it xxx
take care, you can do this xxx1 -
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I told work colleagues as we were a close knit team and I was going to be off and hate the guessing that goes on with that.
I initially kept things a bit secret at the beginning as my SIL had just died and we needed to attend the funeral and support my brother and his family. I expanded that information to all siblings except my brother and his family until after I had a plan. (His wife had died of cancer)
I told my close girlfriends.
So initally I set up messenger groups. Close family one group. Friends another. This way I updated as I had the appointments etc - I was 500k from home)
Then I realised I could set up a private Facebook account and invite people in. So someone checking out my profile. ..didn't know I was dealing with cancer. But close friends could follow. I included pics etc. and let people know I would so if not wanting to see them to opt out.
I know of someone who created a second secret group for the more graphic pics. ..if you want that.
My Facebook posts read like a diary. Each chemo was discussed and photographed. Side effects talked about. You could see my ballooning weight. The surgery. Reconstruction and reclaiming my life. It was a way to really share and it helped me. I had reflective posts. Scared days posts. And fighting spirit posts.
It's great to go back and read your own story.
Of course you can do that here but not everyone you might want to see it. For me it was the real face of breast cancer. Not just the pink bits. Kath x4 -
I would suggest that you wait until you have a treatment plan so that people's questions are answered and you're not inundated.
Choose the method you're most comfortable with. Are most of your friends on Facebook? Then use that. Or you could create a group on WhatsApp and use that. Or just tell your closest circle and ask them to tell others.
I couldn't bear the thought of having to tell people in person so I did it via WhatsApp, copying and pasting the message as I went. My husband told some people for me. I let everyone know I needed time to adjust and to speak to my husband in the meantime.
The big rule here is that you only do what YOU are comfortable with! You're the most important person right now. So only do what feels OK, and when you're ready.
It's OK for your husband to be upset. I hope he has someone to support him other than you. You need to be able to rely on him, especially at this time, so he has to look after himself. Tell him I said so! K xox4 -
My husband knew as he was at the recall appointment with me and we had to tell the kids straight away as we had to pick them up in the rush to get to the GP before she left for the day (she was staying back to see me). The kids had been waiting at my MILs after school so that was how my husband's family found out (I don't have any immediate family still living). My line manager knew where I was going so a brief email that night covered that. The next day, I rang my two closest friends who are from different friendship groups and told them. I asked them to let others know but also that I didn't want people contacting me at that stage. Those two friends became the conduit of information for a couple of weeks until my husband helped me set up a blog to keep people updated. I passed out that address to friends, family and colleagues and I know it has been passed on to a couple of people who have been going through this, themselves. That became the way I told people things but also a bit of a diary of the last year and how I was feeling going through treatment. I think it was a really good way to deal with it as everyone could find out how I was going but didn't have to wonder whether they should ring and ask.3
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The first time around, BCV1, I told everybody everything. Straight away. It wasn't a good idea but once I started I couldn't stop. I worked in a public library and it all became a very public event.
BCV2 I only told people who I considered friendsf and only when I had direct contact with them for other, non BC reasons. No ringing, no facebook. If I wasn't talking to you about something else, you didn't get told about the cancer. That worked better for me.5 -
I told my immediate family and my work colleagues. The rest filtered out on a 'when it came up' basis. For example, my next door neighbour complimented me on my new hairstyle when I ran into her outside our houses on my way back from extreme haircut and new wig tryout!! So I told her. Turned out she had bc ten years before. We got quite a bit closer over the next few months.4
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That reminds me of what happened yesterday at work @Afraser. There are about 150 staff where I work (not sure of the gender split but probably about half/half). I knew of 3 other women who had/have bc. Yesterday, during a work-related conversation, another colleague confided that she had also had it 17 years ago but that it wasn't common knowledge. The nature of the conversation indicated that it still has an impact on her. There are a lot of women (and men) out there who have had this who keep it to themselves.2
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I told my immediate family and boss initially and once I knew my surgical/treatment plan I put something on Facebook and told my work colleagues who I am quite close with. Big hugs xoxoxox1
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It just depends on what you are comfortable with I guess.
My hubby did the ringing on the day of diagnosis. He let my mother know, (she arrived in 10 mins with diazepam bless her) our children and my best friend. I was on leave from work at time coincidentally, not a nice holiday present. Once I was a litle more composed I went in to work and told my boss and the lady I job share with who promptly went and told everyone else so that took care of that problem.
I told a couple of our long standing clients so they would know why I was walking around lthe property looking somewhat zombieish occasionally
I facebooked right at the end. About 2 days before I finished radiation. I only really did that as I was so happy to be at the end of treatment and wanted every one to know. Blew a lot of people out of the water. They had no idea, even the ones I see reasonably regularly.
xoxox
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Thank you everyone. While I know I can ‘google’ my way through it your insights and real life examples help so much, didn’t even know this existed - so glad it does. Thanks again 😘🥺😘1
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It depends on your relationships and what you want to tell. My Mum decided it was her place to tell all my immediate family, even though I'd asked her not to.
I run a health & fitness facebook group, so when I had to go into hospital for the op I posted a pic of me jumping on my bed in my pj's (with the obligatory teddy bear) and let them all know, they were incredibly supportive but didn't push for information.
One of my Aunts was diagnosed with lung cancer the same week as I found out I had cancer. So all my Aunts and Uncles got regular letters in the mail telling them how I was going and what was happening. I didn't go into the gory itty bitty stuff, but just kept them in the loop so they didn't worry.
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HiMy diagnosis was rather sudden, and within 6 days I was having a lumpectomy, which eventuated in a mastectomy once the pathology results came back (another story).Initially only my husband knew and a very close work colleague. I didn't tell my boss, as I was waiting until I knew exactly what I was dealing with. Once all the results came in and I had my first visit with the breast surgeon, I then shared with my boss; then went home and we told our kids, my parents and my sister. The next day we told my sisters-in-law (3) and that was it.After the lumpectomy I then shared with 3 close friends, as that is when I discovered I needed a mastectomy and I truly needed their support and shoulder to cry on. I discussed with my boss whether to tell my colleagues and decided he would meet with them privately as a small group, inform them that I was absent from work and dealing with a FAMILY crisis (it's true as it wasn't just me dealing with all this) and that I had requested privacy - they could SMS/email but not call, as talking was just too difficult. This allowed me privacy and time to deal with my thoughts, emotions, recovery, appointments and the whole long list of things going on. I was glad not to be bombarded with questions and advice. But it was nice to read messages of well wishes, receive flowers and cards saying 'thinking of you'.A week after the lumpectomy I had a full mastectomy (31/10/18) but am very fortunate that the lymph nodes were clear, and amazingly I don't need radiation or chemo, but am taking hormone blocker.I have returned to work and was greeted with lots of 'great to see you' and 'nice to have you back' and that is it. I can honestly say that it's nice to have an area of my life that doesn't revolve around cancer for the moment. I am having weepy days, as the hormones are out of wack, some days I need to leave early as fatigue kicks in, but they never ask questions or pry, but they're always supportive by asking if they can help with my workload, etc.I'm still considering whether to share what has happened, or to keep it private. Once the news it out there, you can't take it back. Be careful who you share with, take your time.3
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Hi @H_M_A welcome to a place where no one ever thinks they’ll need to come, but where you will be so loved and supported when you end up here. The best piece of advice my surgeon gave me was to tell my children that I had ‘treatable’ breast cancer. This helped to take the fear out of the diagnosis.
Also I took just over a week off work after my surgery. I was due to go back on a Monday, but casually went in on the Friday for a little while just to break the ice with everyone. That made Monday easier because I could get straight back to work. The funny thing was my close colleagues knew what had happened to me. However the office gossip had got the wrong end of the stick and thought I’d been away to get a boob job! If that’s the case I need a refund as one is smaller than the other 😊 All the best, once you have a plan for surgery/treatment your world will come back into focus for a while. We are all here for you xxx4
