So, today is the big day. This morning I saw my counsellor again and asked about what she said last week about not being sad. She says she didn't say I wasn't sad just that I hadn't listed it when when we wrote my emotions up on the whiteboard.
She said she has seen me sad lots of times. I disagreed with that - she has seen me cry a lot of times but I would say that was due to being scared rather than sad. She thinks I just don't remember being sad but I have a clear memory of the day after I was diagnosed when I told my boss he said "that's sad" and I thought to myself "no, it's not sad - it's annoying"
Anyway I guess it doesn't matter. I think she just names the feelings differently to me. I think she felt bad that she had made me more worried instead of less worried which is her aim.
Today is the anniversary of my diagnosis. It is weird to think about it. Talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago she asked if I was tired of talking about it but the answer to that is no. I feel like I could talk about it all day for weeks on end.
It was about half past ten in the morning that I got the news so I am now into my second year post-diagnosis. I want a commemorative plaque of some sort.
I was thinking of what Alloa12 said about wanting life to go back to normal. That is what I have been wanting all this time too. I have heard a lot of people mention the "new normal" and it has confused me and slightly annoyed me. But just now for the first time I think I believed in the new normal.
In a lot of ways life is normal now but it is still weird for me to adapt back into things being normal. I'm not used to normal any more.
I feel lost and unable to cope. When I try to narrow down why I can't cope all I can come up with is that I can't cope with this feeling of being unable to cope.
The anniversary has been stressing me out so I am hoping that once today has passed I can start feeling better.
I have been to a support group a couple of times and I plan to go again but I'm not sure how helpful it is. I am not good at talking with new groups of people. I am thinking of trying dragon boating as I like the idea of doing an activity together.
