Scared worried and confused

Leilani

Hi I'm 42 just found out on the 29th august that I have breast cancer.

I'm new to this I have my ups and downs I don't know how to handle this there is days where I cry a lot and then pretend that I am OK but really I'm not my family won't do things that they normally do my son had a family BBQ with his in laws and said he won't go how can he pretend to be happy.

And then there is days where I'm OK I can't really talk to my family about this as all I do is cry 

Sister

Hi Leilani. Welcome to this forum - you will find a lot of support and information here.  First, can I say that you're not alone in how you're feeling.  The first days after diagnosis are so unreal and so scary.  You may find yourself in years one moment and totally numb the next.  This should settle a bit when you start treatment and have a plan of action.  For now, the best thing is to try to take it one thing at a time and breathe.  If you can find something to distract you, that's great but don't be surprised if breast cancer is in your every thought for awhile.  I would tell your son to still do things - he doesn't have to be happy but maybe he might be if he can forget for a little while.  And do try to tell your family a little about how you're feeling even if it's just to say that you're struggling to control your emotions.  Just remember that you're currently in shock and that you will get a handle on things when that has passed. Have you got an appointment with a surgeon?  If you can, make sure that you take someone you trust with you - it's always useful to have another pair of ears.  And is there someone you can ask to be gatekeeper? Someone who can field the well-meaning calls from people.  The last thing you want if you have a moment of not thinking about it is to have to go through everything with someone.

Leilani

Hello sister I've seen the surgeon already I go in for surgery on the 25th of this month to get my breast removed. I have told my son to still do the things he likes to do and have a daughter as well she is 17 and I told her the same thing I have a friend and she will be with me and so will my daughter on the day of surgery but I told them that they should stay home but they insist of coming with me on the day of my surgery do I let them come 

Afraser

For almost anything you do during this part of your life, the maxim is do what you want to do. Not what you think you should do, or what others want you to do (or think you should do), just what you want. Hard enough to know that yourself, sometimes! So if you will benefit by their presence, say yes. But if you feel you want to get your head around this by yourself, tell them to come next day. Let them be a part of it all though, You want to protect your children from worry, but the reality may be less confronting than what they can imagine, if they are out of the loop too much. Some practical tasks to help you in the coming weeks may be a useful channel for their energies and feelings. Best wishes.

Leilani

 I appreciate the advice u are giving me. I have thought about that alot and my down side is what is my family and friends going to think of me are they going to look at me different are they going to treat me different and I  about what is my family going to do when I'm not here. I say to myself that I am going to bet this I know that I might have to have treatment after my surgery all my friends have said to me that If I need anything to let them know but I am that sort of person that likes to do things on my own I never ask for help I am always helping them.  Sorry if this don't make sense I'm new to this and I never talk to anyone I always do it on my own. I am worried about my husband as well he won't talk about it I know he is worried about me I wish he would open up to me but he wont

Afraser

It makes perfect sense and we all know those feelings. Take one day at a time otherwise it is very easy to be overwhelmed. Don't fret about things that haven't happened - they may never happen. Husbands have a habit of not talking (not about anything serious anyway!) but he may be happy to help you if you tell him what to do! It's all daunting to begin with but little by little we find ways to manage these new situations. You are an organiser, and you will find a way through this too. Keep your eye on the prize (cancer free) and your sense of your own worth intact. That's a precious thing. Best wishes

Leilani

Thank you for your advice I will take one day at a time. I feel a little bit better talking to some one that has been there or is going threw it I didn't know if I can talk to anyone

primek

It sounds pretty normal to me. My husband couldn't talk to me about his fears but he talked to his sister and cried then. Never with me. He felt he needed to be strong.

I cried a lot but planned and powered along. Many people thinking I was fine but I spent many many nights awake in fear for not just myself but my family and what might happen if I didn't make it. Once treatment in full force you start just in survival mode, getting through each treatment. I couldn't plan a future or even a holiday for fear of jinxing myself. 
Once completed treatment you dare to imagine life with yourself still part of it and eventually start to embrace life again. Forever changed. Kath x

Leilani

That's me I can't plan anything at the moment my niece wants me to go to her B-Day next month but I told her I will see as I can't plan anything I hate feeling like this. I think about will I feel like a burden to my family and friends after my surgery will I look like a freak to everyone I have more negative going threw my mind that I do positive is that natural to feel like this

primek

Absolutely lovely. But you will get through this and people won't even notice the change. The waiting part prior surgery and treatment is the hardest. 

Leilani

I wish I had the surgery and the treatment already I hate the wait game

Leilani

Thank u everyone for the help

Sarnicad

@leilani do what makes you comfortable. I had hubby take me to hospital and stay with me until I went in and then sent him away to await the surgeons call. But that was what suited me and it doesn’t suit everyone. 

I’m pretty independent as well and it has frustrated me that I can’t do all that I’m used to doing

Leilani

My hubby will take me to the hospital but he won't stay but he will wait for either the hospital or my daughter to ring him and let him know when I am in the ward. The worse part of it all is how will I feel after the surgery and how my family will feel when they see me

kmakm

Hi Leilani. Mastectomy surgery is normally not that painful. Your doctors and nurses will make sure you have adequate pain relief. If you don't, make sure you speak up and get it!

I get the not asking for help thing. I was exactly the same. In fact it was the very first piece of advice given to me by my breast surgeon and breast care nurse (by the way have you got one of them yet?). They could see that for me, accepting help was going to be a challenge. It wasn't easy but eventually I got there and of course it made a big difference. People want to be kind and help you through this rough patch. Reverse the position. If it was your friend who was diagnosed with BC, how would you feel if she wouldn't let you help?

I have four kids who all reacted in their own way when I was diagnosed. Keep them informed of where you are in your treatment, what your choices are etc. If you leave blanks they'll fill them in themselves, almost certainly erroneously! BC can't be the only topic of conversation so when they hear you discussing a social function, the footy or whatever it is that gets you chatting, they'll be reassured and settle down as time goes by. I was 19 when my mother was diagnosed (and 32 years later she's alive and kicking!) and I appreciated being kept informed.

Your family will feel relieved when they see you after surgery. Tell them what you'd like them to bring you so they and you have something to focus on.

Have you discussed reconstruction with your surgeon? There are lots of options these days. My mother had a single mastectomy and was never offered reconstruction. I never thought any less or differently or strangely of her. I was just relieved to have her alive and well.

I can tell you that I sobbed for a month solid. I could have won medals crying for Australia! Once treatment was underway the tears slowly dried up. It all becomes routine, you get over the shock, and adjust. You are changed, and that takes some getting used to (I'm still trying!), but you get a better understanding of yourself on a very deep level, and if your experience is anything like mine, you'll feel more loved than you can imagine.

It's totally normal to feel really negative at this stage. It will pass. However if it doesn't, go see a counsellor. It can be invaluable and a great relief to talk to someone outside your everyday life. You could also give the BCNA helpline a call. 1800 500 258. They're wonderful and there's nothing they haven't heard before.

Your family won't look at you differently. Your friends might for a while but eventually they'll go back to normal. It all comes from a place of love, you just have to be open to that.

They won't 'get' it though, and that's where this forum, and support groups, become so important. Everyone here has been where you are and so we understand and empathise. You come on here anytime to ask questions, have a vent or a sob. We get it.

And your family will be fine while you're in hospital for a few days. Do them good to fend for themselves!

Have you got the My Journey Kit? There's some very good bits in there about families. The BCNA publishes a very good pamphlet for partners. I got my husband to read it. Twice. He didn't get it the first time! They're in shock too.

The waiting is the absolute pits. Do what you can to distract yourself (I went for long walks and watched a lot of stupid television!). Try as best as you can to take it one day at a time. Everytime you find yourself thinking about tomorrow or the future, gently bring yourself back to the present. It's easy to say I know, but try not to cross bridges until you come to them. Breathe, be kind to yourself, and hang in there. Big hug, K xox

kezmusc

Hwy @Leilani.

Welcome to the forum.  You have already had some awesome advice as usual.  Everyone here understands perfectly what you are going through.  The start is just plain awful.  Up one minute and "Yep, I'm going to kick this things butt" and down in a cloudy fog of despair and tears the next.
The waiting is impossible.  

Sometimes, sticking to your routine can be beneficial.  When I was diagnosed we had an incredibly busy end of year.  My twin daughters 18th birthday, sons 21st, step daughters formal and graduation, a weekend down the coast and then christmas.  There were of course some serious ups and downs in amongst all that. 
I continued with all the plans,  Put a BC talk ban on at all the parties and had a fantastic time. I picked jobs to do around the house, just anything to keep my brain distracted from its horrid thoughts.

If my family could see I was ok, they were ok.  I dd all my appointments by myself or with the breast care nurse, that way I didn't have to deal with their emotions as well as my own.

Just remember, there are no rules on how to deal with this.  You have to do what is best for you and the family will get through.

You will feel a little more in control once the plan is in place believe it or not.

Keep talking lovely, one step at a time, one day at a time.

xoxoxoxo