In Limbo

lgray3911

Hi ladies, so I finished chemo 2 weeks ago and was so excited to be finished with that stage of treatment but this week I am feeling really anxious. I seem to constantly be thinking about the cancer and wondering what it's doing and if the chemo worked. It's a horrible feeling?! Has anyone else felt this way? I start radiation in a couple of weeks and know that will make we feel better because I am actively doing something to treat the cancer but this feeling is shit! 

primek

It's quite normal. Most of us finish on a bit of an anticlimax really. Once you start getting more energy you'll start believing you are well. If it starts to take over your life and suck the joy out of it, then it's time to have a chat with a counsellor. You have now joined us as survivors. Kath x

Afraser

Many women seem to go through the same thing. I didn't, but my oncologist warned me I might. You have been very actively focussed on treatment, and possibly side effects and now there is a void. Your next course of treatment will fill that gap, and you will probably feel much less anxious as you are doing something positive. But it may recur once radiation finishes. The focus on treatment is useful because it occupies the mind. Without that, as you have found, you focus on the cancer and the impact of realising that you have had something that dramatically affects your sense of who your are, what your life offers and your own mortality. That's enough to make anyone anxious.
Part of recovery is coming to terms with that changed perception. There's no right or wrong way, you need to find the path that's best for you. Some need time out after active treatment, to think and reflect. Some take a long time to come to terms with that change, but that's because it takes time to feel prepared to do so. I had a few sessions with a counsellor - I wasn't depressed but a bit confused about my life and my expectations. It was extremely valuable. Give yourself some leeway and deal with one thing at a time. Treatment can be hard and demanding, fitting the reality of cancer into your life, even when you are cancer free, is a slippery devil and may take some patience. But you will. Best wishes.

Nadi

I experienced this but only after all my treatment was done. @Afraser described exactly how I felt. Things improved once I went back to work. Even so, the fear still raises it's head every now and then. If it gets overwhelming you could try talking to a counsellor at the Cancer Council. Take care. Nadine

onemargie

Hi there I felt that way after finishing chemo. I didn't have radiation as I chose to have a mastectomy. I felt like I wasn't protected anymore in a way as the chemo treats the cancer does this make sense. ?? And when it finished I thought shit what now and as mine was triple negative I can take any other medication like tamoxifen etc so I felt a bit vulnerable but I finished chemo oct last year and feel the best I've ever felt now and don't they know about it much these days except for when my osteo plays up a bit and I think shit is that mets !!! But so far it's always been short term and far less frequent now and I hardly ever take any panadol osteo anymore. So it does pass lovey. Xx 

onemargie

Supposed to be don't think about it much these days I meant

kezmusc

I'm hearing you Igray.  I've finished all my treatments a couple of months ago.  I have back and hip pain which I think is from the Tamoxifen but half the time I'm like shit, it's in my back, what if the CT missed something, what if the chemo didn't work, what if , what if. what if!   I've gone from someone who visited the Dr every two years ,maybe, to thinking every ache or pain is it spreading.   Doesn't help that I work in a surgical ward so constantly see people diagnosed with and having surgery for breast cancer.  Becoming slightly paranoid.
Seriously, sometimes I need to have a stern talking to myself.  

iserbrown

@kezmusc
Goodness don't be so hard on yourself. Yes before this it was the occasional panadol and letter putting me on a guilt trip for being overdue for a pap smear. It's a heightened awareness we have of our bodies and reactions after what they put us through. 
I have tamoxifen related aches and a right foot that gives me curry! 
You're in a position of firsthand experience working a surgical ward.
Have confidence in your medicos. That's what those patients you work with have to have.
Take time out to dwell and reflect and hopefully you'll conclude well thank goodness that was detected and I'm getting better every day. 
Take care. Sending you a virtual hug xx 

Afraser

You're not being paranoid. One of the changes in perception we go through is realising that lots of bad things might happen in life but pre-disastering everything and assuming the worst doesn't help a tad. You can't live like that and many of us didn't live like that before cancer.  I used to get every imaginable ache and odd sensation annually before every test. So far this year (there's yet time!) I haven't. Which is, I suspect, because I finally realise I can't alter it if it's bad news and that I am also much better prepared for it. As @iserbrown says, ease up. This all takes time. 

Molly001

It's terrible thinking isn't it? I've gone one further and my kids can't get a sniffle without me worrying it's something more sinister. I really have to work hard to talk myself around.

[Deleted User]

I found doing the Wellbeing After Cancer Program with the Cancer Council helped to switch from treatment to recovery and wellbeing. The BCNA program is good as well. 3 years down the track and I would be happy never to have another scan or see another doctor and I felt exactly the same way you do now. All the best. x