Having trouble just coping
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Hey @shorelle I've just, today, had my portacath removed after having to go through the whole bloody process again. I had a double mastectomy with reconstructions at the end of 2006 and had a recurrence, with all the associated drama, last year.
You know, it does get better. I'm not suggesting that it all just goes away, but that physical feeling of fear that follows you around does lose a bit of energy and lags behind a bit. It catches up every once in a while, but if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time you can start to feel you are outpacing it
I've got no evidence apart from experience to support this, but I think sometimes BC is harder for people who have previously had a sunny disposition. Perhaps those of us who are crankier and generally less cheerful are used to being pissed off and feeling like shit. I don't know.
Good luck with your upcoming surgery. I firmly believe that the process of making those sorts of decisions is far and away the toughest part of BC treatment. If you have been through that, you have done the worst bit. It is bloody exhausting, but you are getting there. Keep going. Marg XXX
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Thank you for your words. I think you are right the toughest trees fall the hardest has been a way to explain myself. I was so healthy happy positive and tge change in my is sad. The whole thing is sad. Did your bc come back in your breast even after mastectomy? Thinking of you. Just when you had passed your 10 year mark too. That is really unfair. It seems it never really goes away.1
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Ah, Shorelle, there are many reasons we don't want this disease. Mine came back in my armpit (Cancer in the armpit? Really? WTF?)
I can't dwell on it as far as worrying about it coming back. I used to say that what doesn't kill you makes you stranger, now I think it just hangs around in the background and has another go later. There it is again, the black humour and cynical outlook that drives some of us.
As far as fair is concerned, meh. Little kids getting cancer is not fair. Innocent people getting slaughtered in pointless wars isn't fair. People dying of preventable diseases because they are too poor to afford basic medicine, that is really not fair. A recurrent cancer in a middle aged woman who has had the benefit of a wild and wide life in one of the most privileged countries in the world. No, probably not 'fair', but I've had a pretty good run. We will see what happens, but I can assure you, if I didn't think my experience would be somehow helpful to others, I probably wouldn't discuss my disease very often.
You can move on. Things are a new normal, but you can move on. Marg xx
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Hi Shorelle - sorry you've had to join us but it sounds like you are well into treatment. Not sure how much exploring within the BCNA site you have done but there are groups and one for Young women which you may find beneficial. Your young family suggests you are certainly younger than me!
It is all doable just that the roller coaster has a few bumps along the way and some us get on and off, dust ourselves down, occasionally rant and rave on here as we all get it and don't judge, get back on and try our darnest to come up trumps!
Use the search bar up the top in the discussion page and you will find a multitude of different posts that may assist you. Hopefully you've got a good support network around you with family and friends and you've received your My Journey Kit from BCNA. The staff @BCNA will help you through if you need anything! Take care and hugs xx
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Crankiness is sometimes the only way to cope but as someone who is a pretty happy person most of the time, I sympathise with your feelings of radical change and hating it. But hard as it is to do, you are the person who can reclaim your happiness. You have been diagnosed early enough to make a real difference. You have made decisions about treatment, good for you. So the next step is to realise that this is not your life, it is just a bit of your life and you may look back on it in time as a very small part of your life. It's not a particularly good part, and if you have been in the habit of being the decision maker, there will be times when that role has to be renegotiated (or just dropped for a while). Your husband would really be useless if you weren't there at all, so now is a chance for him to step up. Give him a chance, it won't be perfect but then few things are and definitely not bc. Relaxation (hard with three small ones I know), occupying your mind with other things, or getting some counseling (talking to a stranger can be hugely liberating!) can all help rebuild your positive sense of yourself.
Fear can build on fear - particularly if you keep it all inside. So talk here, there are lots who will totally understand. You are not a wreck, just very fearful of being one. We all know that feeling well. But many of us didn't become wrecks and we have recovered our lives, our sense of fun (yes, it can happen!) and optimism. Deep breaths, keep calm, you too can do this.
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Good advise. Thank you.xxx0
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So common after treatment to feel like you. The advise already given is so true. For me I think no matter what age we are, until something really goes wrong with someone close (or yourself) we still have that almost childish view that it won't happen to me -- and when it does its a real shock!! You lose your innocence (for want of a better word). Before I was a happy person, now I have to work at being happy. Saying that I think the happy is better when you work for it.
Previously I was bullet proof - now I know I'm not. Maybe the unhappy people in the world are the people who have lost that innocence too early in life....2 -
Hi @Shorelle,
Big hug.
Getting enough rest would be a magic trick in your situation. But if there's some way you can wangle that - more rest will help you regain not only physical, but some emotional energy too. I hope you have some options there - like occasional babysitting or the girls having a sleepover with someone you trust etc.
Whether or not that's the case, your surgeon, oncologist or GP could refer you to a clinical psychologist. I don't think any of us should try to get thru this without that level of professional emotional support. I and a colleague who also has bc are both seeing psychs. Wouldn't be without it. A psych will also help with some practical tips for easing your responsibilities too.
I'll go out on a limb here and guess that despite your diagnosis - you still have too much on your plate. Your lovely daughters will need you to be more 'selfish' for a while - they will thank you in the long run. I get that fear you have. My daughter really only has me (except some clueless relatives who's values make me cringe). So we just have to keep believing that these girls will have us 'bossy mums' around for years to come!
If the fear starts sucking you down into that 'sh*!t - scared' horrible place - try to breath deep and remember whatever stats and facts are in your favour (then let go of the rest) - it seems to help me. My surgeon is really good at reassuring me when I'm having a mini-freak-out. I hope you have someone - or find someone who can do that for you!3 -
We always imagine the worst in our future after cancer touches us but for most of us it doesn't happen so why worry about it? Teach your husband planning so he can help you. Men are 'doers' and feel helpless when you are down. We keep a calendar of everything in the kitchen and it sort of turns in to a diary really. It does help. Planning and repetition will help you with chemo brain too so don't get disillusioned that you are getting no where. You need normal. Keep at it day by day and the weeks and years will follow. 0
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Thank you. I need to find that positive again. The feeling of being doomed is overwhelming.0
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Think many of us have beeen there - my strongest advice is to look outwards and you have made a first step by coming online to this site.I am pleased to have a couple of very practical mates who pushed me when I was down to find others in the same boat - I am soon to start a free hydrotherapy course organised by the YWCA called Encore which will provide some pampering and information but a chance to meet others - it is Australia wide. I rang Cancer Council and they have a Cancer Connect service - within 3 days a lovely lady from Brisbane who had been thru same as me rang and talked to me - the importance at that time to me of hearing her voice was immeasurable - she'd gotten thru it all and was enjoying life.There are local bc support groups - I found some in my area by googling. The Journey Kit from BCNA has been very valuable but I had initially only focussed on the treatment stuff - I discovered it provided way more than that - it gave me questions I could ask the medical people and at the back a huge list of resources available to me.In a nutshell there are many of us and there is much available to help us but for me having someone to share the journey with who got it because they were going thru it was the best. -1
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Maybe I should have a look through all the cancer paperwork I put up on the highest shelf in the office so I dint have to see it. It might be what you are talking about. There are so many books and pamphlets there. I just didnt want to see anything with the word written on it.
Everyone has been so nice and helpful I could never complain about that. All the cc support people are so nice.
Maybe when I start to feel better physically my mind will follow. Having a bad cough and cold 1 week after chemo isnt the ideal setting for inspiration. I keep thinking I should be thinking myself lucky. So many worse off and I have goid odds, could be much worse. I do think myself lucky. I do however feel that that boat we are all sitting in has a leak! I wish none of us had to spend our time on here and we could go back to normal.
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@Shorelle - there's nothing wrong with wallowing in where you are at for awhile! It helps to bring things into perspective! Yes there are others worse off than us however this is about you, how you feel and how to fill those cracks in eventually, so that you can concentrate on recovery. Be kind to yourself, it's a helluva lot that you've been through already and we all get it! We are all in this together!
Dust those books and pamphlets off the shelf and have a bit of a flick. There is some useful information in there!
Do you know about the Look Good, Feel Better workshops? https://lgfb.org.au/who-we-are/
Check it out, it's free and it's for us!
Do you know about the Otis Foundation? http://www.otisfoundation.org.au/
They provide free holidays for us! Check it out, it maybe the medicine that you and your family need.
Hope that helps! Take care and sending you a virtual hug from me xx
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